I miss you isn't enough

 We are all the universe expressing itself as a human for a moment, right? How can a piece of something truly be gone? Missing, yes. But gone? Impossible. Whenever I lost a toy as a child, I imagined that toy knew exactly where it was, and it was just waiting for me to find it. It wasn't scared. Maybe a titch sad because it wanted me to find it, but it was never scared. That's a bit like how I imagine Vi. She knows where she is. She isn't scared. She's sad, not as unbearably sad as me though. She wants to be with me, and she's sad that we are all so sad without her here. But, she isn't scared. She's just waiting. Waiting for me to find her. Grief is a horrifically beautiful thing. It is your soul, your very essence, screaming, pleading, begging for it's missing piece back. It is the embodiment of love itself. Painful, excruciatingly beautiful love.

My sweet girl. I wish you were here. So much. I wish so much more than all the words in all the universe could ever come close to explaining. You are missing from me, you are not gone. But, your abscense is so obvious. It isn't fair. It isn't right. I hate it with the passion of an infinite amount of Suns. I hate it so much it takes my breath away. It's a wonder I'm still breathing. I miss you isn't enough, but it's all I have. I miss you my darling beautiful girl. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

You know what's hard?

You know what's  hard? My baby died. That's really hard to handle. Not just hard, but damn near impossible somedays. My child. The love of my life. My baby. The one job I had was to keep her safe, and I failed in the worst possible way. She didn't just break Her arm, lose a leg, get a brain injury. She died. She's dead. My baby died. And there is nothing I can do to change it. When you actually stop and think about that, it's fucking impossible to comprehend. Fucking impossible. 

I'm sorry baby girl. I miss you something fierce today. I'm so sorry. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Always almost perfect

I am having a helluva month. I cannot get through a day without a major meltdown. Body shaking sobs type meltdown. I don't know why. There aren't any triggers. I am just sad. I'm sad that everything has an undertone of sadness. No matter how happy a moment is, the sadness is always there. We were sitting on the couch last night, me, Rich, Lyvi, and even Lily. Just sitting there talking, and Rich said "Almost perfect." Always almost perfect. Forever. It will only ever be almost perfect. Even if we have another child. Only ever almost perfect. That is so hard to swallow. So hard to accept. I will never have the life that I want. I knew this the moment she died, but I think I pushed everything down. It's all bubbling up lately. I can't hold it back anymore. I get those gut punching double me over reminders from everything and nothing all at the same time. I can be wiping my counters down or walking into a store or painting a bottle or putting laundry away, and with no warning at all I am doubled over sobbing. My poor Lyvi-Loo. She is such a sweet girl. She comes up to me and just hugs me as hard as she can when this happens. She just wants her mama to be happy. She knows I miss Vi and that's why I'm crying. She will tell me it's ok, and hand me a baby. Oh sweet girl. I wish it were that easy. I just don't know how to handle the day to day anymore. I am feeling so overwhelmed with life. I want an escape. But, that's not fair. Why should I get to escape? Rich doesn't get to escape. Lyvi doesn't get to escape. No one gets to escape this. There is no escape from this. Ouch. That realization is hard. I will never escape this, as long as I'm living I will never escape this. I'm so tired. Exhausted to my bones. Maybe if I could just sleep for a full 24 hours I would feel a little refreshed and more capable of handling the monotony of the day. Probably not. But, maybe.

My girl. My sweet girl. I miss you. That's all. I just miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the 
stars.

Too fast

I hate that life is moving forward. Moving on without her. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Bills need to be paid. The house needs to be cleaned. Lyvi needs to be cared for. Rich has to work. I have to work. Everything around me is moving at hyper speed and I am struggling to keep up. I have all these plans to keep up. I'll clean the house today. I'll play with Lyv. I'll spend time with Rich. I'll make dinner. I'll research a job I'm interested in. I can't possibly do all of these things while still struggling with even understanding what happened 7 months ago. I can't keep up. I am flailing. I just want everything to slow down for a minute or two. I know it's been 7 months, I should be able to start keeping up about now. I was doing really well with everything for a little bit. But, this week has been a struggle. I don't know how the days keep passing. Time is moving so fast. I just need it to slow down. I know it isn't healthy for me to just sit for days on end, I won't let myself do that often. But, once in awhile I think I need it. If I could just find the time to sit and be with my grief for a day maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed? I doubt it. And, I doubt I would even be able to sit for more than a couple hours without feeling guilty about everything that needs to be done. I'm lost still. I can't see forward anymore. I don't know what I want for the future. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to think of a future without Violet, and that's the only future I get. I don't want a future without her. I want a future with her. I know that isn't an option, but I will never stop wishing. Even if we get to have another baby someday, I know I will always wish it was different. Wish that I still had her. Wish that I had all of my children with me. This is getting more and more complex, this grief. I'm stuck in 2 worlds. It's exhausting. 

My amazing Lyvi-loo loves babies so much. She wants a baby so bad. She is forever asking to go get Baby Vi back. I gently explain to her each time that Violet died and we can never get her back, then almost always without fail a lightbulb clicks and she says, "Oh, Baby Vi died, so we get a new baby!" Heartbreaking. I don't know what to say to her. If only it was that easy, to just get a new baby. I wish a new baby would fix everything. I'm terrified to have another baby. I don't want to put any expectations on a new little being. I want to feel ready to welcome a new baby for whatever that little person may bring. I don't want a new baby to grow up in the shadow of their dead big sister. That isn't fair. I know for Lyvi a new baby would help her, it would help her see that good things still happen after bad things. It would help her be the big sister that she already is without her little sister here anymore. I know she needs a baby. I wish I could give her one right now. But, unfortunately life is still moving forward. We have this big beautiful home that so needs a baby, but we have to adjust to all the new expenses. And, that doesn't happen overnight. Plus, I'm a terrible pregnant person in the best of circumstances. I'm honestly terrified that I will end up in a padded room if I were to get pregnant soon. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any plans. I don't want to think about the future. I just want everything to stop for a minute. I just need to slow down and be with my grief. But, at the same time that hurts so much. It just hurts. I know the longer I avoid getting in touch with the pain the more it will hurt when I do go there. The act of sitting here writing all of this down helps. I need to start writing more often again. It makes me touch on where I'm at. It's just so hard to do, because it hurts so much. 

Oh baby girl. My baby girl. This isn't getting any easier. I hate it. We went to a beautiful wedding yesterday and the whole time I was getting ready all I could think about is how much harder it should have been to get ready. I should have had you running around being a little shit. We should have been late to the wedding. I should have had to walk out during the ceremony because you were growling and being your crazy loud self. I still feel naked out in public. I still wonder if people can tell that I am missing a huge chunk of myself. I keep myself together pretty well in public now, but you are never far from my mind. Lyvi was playing with a cute little baby girl and all I could think about was how that should be you. I will never understand this. I miss you. I miss you so much. I can't breathe today. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Highs and Lows

Wow. It's been almost 4 weeks since I have written here. I don't know why it's been so long. I've been trying to live my life like I declared in my last post. It's hard. Really hard. In these almost 4 weeks I have felt happier than I have since Vi died. But, I have also had some of my lowest lows in a long time. I have enjoyed life, for the most part. I have been driven to near insanity by my amazing majestic joyous Lyvi-loo. I have loved spending time with Rich. I've even spent quality time with our dog Lily. It has been, dare I say it... good. Almost more good than bad. Almost. These lows are hard. And, more often than not lately they hit with little to no warning. All of a sudden I can't breathe. I can't talk. I'm just sobbing. Out of nowhere. While driving. Or showering. Or cooking. Or watching a TV show. Or, I am just mad. Just pissed off at everything and nothing. I snap at Rich and lose my temper with Lyvi over nothing. It's so hard to feel like a failure of a mother when the only thing I want in the whole world is to mother both of my children. I only have one here. I shouldn't ever lose my temper or need a moment alone. At least that's what I tell myself. I know it isn't true. I am only human. I can only take so much, probably less than most people. I just wish this wasn't my life. Still. Always. 

Oh my girl. My sweet girl. You know. You know where I'm at and how I am truly doing. I'm trying so so hard for you. I'm trying. I hope that by writing all of this out I'll be able to put my big girl panties on and get through another day without you. I love you. I miss you. Oh god I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

My life

I made it through her birthday. With a little (a lot) of help from my family and friends. And, from complete strangers. The outpouring of love from everyone was astounding. The legacy my girl has left is humbling to say the least. To hear from so many people how Vi has fundamentally changed their lives is breathtaking. I always knew she was different. I always knew she was (is) special. I just didn't realize it would be in this way. I still don't feel like this was "meant to be," but I am finding a little bit of peace. There is nothing I can do to change this, so why not try to make some good out of it. I want Violet to be remembered for how amazing she is. I want people to talk about her. I want people to think about her as they are struggling with the everyday frustrations of life. I want people to live fuller, love harder, be better because of my Violet. And, the only way that is going to happen is if I do all of those things and more. I have to make a conscious decision to live. I have to decide that even though I am in constant agonizing pain, I need to live for her. I'm not anyone special. I am not this amazing inspiring person. I am just me. I am Michelle. I am a sad grieving, but beyond lucky mama. I am a person. I am alive. So, I need to live. I've said it before and I'll say to a million more times: Violet doesn't get to live, so I have to. I get to. The privilege of life hasn't been ripped away from me yet. It is inevitable, one day I will not be alive. But, for now while I am, I will live. I will live for her and I will live for me. I will do everything I can to keep living in her name. Sure, there are going to be days where I don't want to live. There are going to be days where the pain and agony of living without Violet is too much to bear. On those days I might lay in bed all day, but I will get up the next day. I will get up and keep on pushing. I can't do this alone. I am still profoundly sad. It is still a daily struggle to keep going. I still need love and light sent my way. I still need love and light sent to my husband because he gets the brunt end of my grief. And, he is just as broken and sad as I am. We still need your love and support. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life that I don't need support. So, thank you all. Thank you for still being here 6 1/2 months later. 

I will always hate that this is my life. But, it is my life. And, I have to live it. No one else can do it for me. I have to do it. With the help of my sweet girl. I know she's still around me. She makes that evident so often it can't just be coincidence. I am so lucky to be her mama. I am so lucky she is mine. I am so lucky to be hers. I am so lucky. I have terrible bad luck, but I am lucky. Talk about an oxymoron. I truly feel that way though. I have terrible luck. Bad things happened to her out of pure bad luck (which I irrationally think is my fault) but how lucky am I that she is mine. That I got her for 5 months 12 days. No one else got her. I got her. She was given to me. She chose me. I am so lucky to get to call that little girl mine. Not to mention my beautiful Lyvi-Loo and Rich and my family and friends. I have so much good in my life still. I imagine myself with this dark thick shadow grabbing hold of me, but there is so much light still around me that is can't quite get it's grasp on me. Sometimes it's able to grab a hold of me for a moment, but then the light crowds in and helps dig me back out. Again, thank you. Thank you Vi. Thank you everyone. 

I started this out planning to write about the day Vi was born, but as normal it took on a life of its own. I do want to write about that amazing night soon. I am tired. The week leading up to yesterday was so emotionally draining that I'm not sure how I'm still awake. I'm going to go fill my coffee back up and get myself and Lyv ready for the day. I love you all. Thank you. 

Oh my sweet girl. My sweet Violet. I am still in shock and disbelief that you weren't here for your big day yesterday. I doubt that will ever fade. Thank you so much for being around me throughout the day. I could feel you. I could sense your calming feisty energy. (Keep Breathing started right as I started talking to you. Oh you sweet little thing you.) I love you so much my darling. You have made me better. I will always be so deeply sad that you aren't physically here to grow up and live the life you deserve. I will always wish it was me. I will always want to trade places with you. No matter what. You say the word my dear and it will be done. I adore you my sweetie pie honey buns. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for giving me the best 5 months 12 days of my life. Thank you for being you. I will love you to the ends of the universe. Forever and for always my dear. Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Sad

Vi's birthday is in 10 days. I should be planning a fun party. Instead I am planning a little barbecue with our family and close friends. It doesn't make sense. It isn't fair. I can't even think about it really. I am living in an almost constant state of denial. This isn't really my life. I'm not really a walking talking shell of a person. I didn't really watch my daughter die. This isn't really my life. It can't be. I can't be expected to live this way for the rest of my life. I am so sad. So so sad. To the inner most working of my soul. Profoundly. Completely. Irrevocably. Sad.

I miss you my sweet fat baby. I miss you so much. I don't know how to keep doing this. This whole living without you thing. I am so broken without you. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

I don't want to talk about it.

My daughter Violet is an extension of my heart and my soul. 

She is my missing piece. 

She should be 11 months 12 days old today.

She never made it past 5 months 12 days.

My daughter Violet died 6 months ago.

Nothing much to say

I don't have a lot to say lately. I'm still feeling quiet. It's getting harder in ways. In the beginning it was obviously unbearable, but I could write. I had so much to say. Then there was the middle part where I think I was still in that fog of disbelief. But, now almost 6 months in and I have nothing to say. Nothing I say makes this easier. No matter how much I write it doesn't make it easier to breath. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I am on edge most of the time. I have no patience. None. Zilch. I try, most days I can put on a good face and get through the day without any major scream fits. But, other days I can't. I am still taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I will be fine one minute, and the next thing I know I am blindsided with everything again. It really really really sucks. I hate it. HATE it. 

I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything. Other than that I miss Violet. I can't watch her videos very often, or look at pictures a ton anymore. I feel so bad about this. Like I am moving on or trying to forget her. That isn't the case, I know that. But, I don't want her to think that I have forgotten her or moved on. It just hurts too damn much sometimes. I need to be able to get through the day and take care of Lyvi. One day soon I am going to immerse myself in Violet pictures and videos again. Soon, when I have the time for a breakdown. Haha, scheduling my grief. Seems like this is how it will have to be eventually. I will have to carve out a chunk of time to be sad and have the breakdown I so need. 

That's about it. Other than I think I will start doing some soul searching soon. I want to know what I believe in, whether that be God, the Universe, or nothing at all, I want to know. Need to know. But, yeah. This is where I'm at. And, I hate it. 

I feel like I haven't talked to you in so long sweetie. I talk to you everyday in my head. Multiple times a day, but when I don't write it down it just doesn't seem like I'm really talking to you. Your dad and I talked about what to do for your birthday this year. We aren't really sure yet, but we are leaning towards having a barbecue with family and some friends. I know I will be so so sad that day and I don't know what I want to do. But, it feels like being surrounded by people who love you and miss you would be a smart move. I am dreading that day. I shouldn't have to dread your birthday. We should be planning a fun party for you. I should be getting your outfit ready for your pictures. Finding you a smash cake. Figuring out what to get you for your presents. Instead I am trying to plan a barbecue and make a prayer flag (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com). I love you my darling girl. My Violetta Villalobos. I miss you. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Blow after blow

Man. I have been spiraling without even realizing it. No. I knew it. But, I have been running from it. Trying to act like it isn't getting worse. It's just been blow after blow these last couple of weeks. It was 5 months since she died. Then 5 months 13 days, so she has officially been gone longer than she was here. Today is a shitty friday. I hate fridays. She died on a Friday. Tomorrow she should be 11 months old. Just one blow after another after another. After another after another. We had to have Lyvi's 3rd birthday party without her. That was surprisingly hard. We had a family reunion to go to that I was on bed rest last year for so we weren't able to go. I was so excited to take Violet this year. Angie and her family moved all the way to stupid Washington. We got Loki, which ended up not working out. He got that case of diarrhea which sent me into that bad anxiety attack. And, I realized I couldn't handle having a puppy that I was sure was going to die any second. So, we gave him to some friends who have been looking for a dog and have 5 cute kiddos to keep him busy. Thanks again so much Jessica and Chad. I know he's happy there. 

I just can't catch a break. I don't know what I need, but I need something. A drink? Always. But, I can't drink a lot. That just doesn't seem healthy. Obviously I need Violet. We all know that. But, that isn't going to happen. Ever. I don't know what I need right now, but something needs to give. I need to take a breath. I can't seem to breathe. I'm always on edge. Always feel like I'm falling. Plummeting. Careening down into a deep cave. I need some light. Something to lighten up my dark sad broken soul. Of course "Be Okay" by Ingrid Michaelson started as I'm typing this. That sweet Vi is always looking out for me. 

You know what really sucks? We were set. We were ready to really start living our lives. We were working towards buying our home, raising our two girls. We were ready to really start living. Now we have the house. But, we don't have Violet. We want another kid, but I don't think I'm ready. I want one so bad. But, I don't know if that's just because I am desperately trying to patch my heart back together. I do want another child someday, but I know we need to wait. So. We will wait. To start our lives again. I know we have Lyvi. And our dream home. And each other. But, I just don't feel complete. We felt complete with Vi. I know we will never feel complete again, but maybe a little more put together if we can have another one. But, if I can't even keep a damn puppy then how could I handle another baby right now? I really hate this. I loathe it. I hate that it's getting harder. I hate that I know it's going to get a million times worse before it starts to ease up even a little bit. I despise everything about this. 

Thank you for being around so much the last little bit sweetheart. I have needed you. I need your little signs to keep me going. I know I have to keep going, you made that very clear to me today in the car. I was telling myself that I don't want to die, but I would be fine if it happened. And right then Pompeii started. So, I guess I need to keep going and actually try to live. I will try sweet girl. I will try. I love you so much. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.