My life

I made it through her birthday. With a little (a lot) of help from my family and friends. And, from complete strangers. The outpouring of love from everyone was astounding. The legacy my girl has left is humbling to say the least. To hear from so many people how Vi has fundamentally changed their lives is breathtaking. I always knew she was different. I always knew she was (is) special. I just didn't realize it would be in this way. I still don't feel like this was "meant to be," but I am finding a little bit of peace. There is nothing I can do to change this, so why not try to make some good out of it. I want Violet to be remembered for how amazing she is. I want people to talk about her. I want people to think about her as they are struggling with the everyday frustrations of life. I want people to live fuller, love harder, be better because of my Violet. And, the only way that is going to happen is if I do all of those things and more. I have to make a conscious decision to live. I have to decide that even though I am in constant agonizing pain, I need to live for her. I'm not anyone special. I am not this amazing inspiring person. I am just me. I am Michelle. I am a sad grieving, but beyond lucky mama. I am a person. I am alive. So, I need to live. I've said it before and I'll say to a million more times: Violet doesn't get to live, so I have to. I get to. The privilege of life hasn't been ripped away from me yet. It is inevitable, one day I will not be alive. But, for now while I am, I will live. I will live for her and I will live for me. I will do everything I can to keep living in her name. Sure, there are going to be days where I don't want to live. There are going to be days where the pain and agony of living without Violet is too much to bear. On those days I might lay in bed all day, but I will get up the next day. I will get up and keep on pushing. I can't do this alone. I am still profoundly sad. It is still a daily struggle to keep going. I still need love and light sent my way. I still need love and light sent to my husband because he gets the brunt end of my grief. And, he is just as broken and sad as I am. We still need your love and support. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life that I don't need support. So, thank you all. Thank you for still being here 6 1/2 months later. 

I will always hate that this is my life. But, it is my life. And, I have to live it. No one else can do it for me. I have to do it. With the help of my sweet girl. I know she's still around me. She makes that evident so often it can't just be coincidence. I am so lucky to be her mama. I am so lucky she is mine. I am so lucky to be hers. I am so lucky. I have terrible bad luck, but I am lucky. Talk about an oxymoron. I truly feel that way though. I have terrible luck. Bad things happened to her out of pure bad luck (which I irrationally think is my fault) but how lucky am I that she is mine. That I got her for 5 months 12 days. No one else got her. I got her. She was given to me. She chose me. I am so lucky to get to call that little girl mine. Not to mention my beautiful Lyvi-Loo and Rich and my family and friends. I have so much good in my life still. I imagine myself with this dark thick shadow grabbing hold of me, but there is so much light still around me that is can't quite get it's grasp on me. Sometimes it's able to grab a hold of me for a moment, but then the light crowds in and helps dig me back out. Again, thank you. Thank you Vi. Thank you everyone. 

I started this out planning to write about the day Vi was born, but as normal it took on a life of its own. I do want to write about that amazing night soon. I am tired. The week leading up to yesterday was so emotionally draining that I'm not sure how I'm still awake. I'm going to go fill my coffee back up and get myself and Lyv ready for the day. I love you all. Thank you. 

Oh my sweet girl. My sweet Violet. I am still in shock and disbelief that you weren't here for your big day yesterday. I doubt that will ever fade. Thank you so much for being around me throughout the day. I could feel you. I could sense your calming feisty energy. (Keep Breathing started right as I started talking to you. Oh you sweet little thing you.) I love you so much my darling. You have made me better. I will always be so deeply sad that you aren't physically here to grow up and live the life you deserve. I will always wish it was me. I will always want to trade places with you. No matter what. You say the word my dear and it will be done. I adore you my sweetie pie honey buns. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for giving me the best 5 months 12 days of my life. Thank you for being you. I will love you to the ends of the universe. Forever and for always my dear. Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Sad

Vi's birthday is in 10 days. I should be planning a fun party. Instead I am planning a little barbecue with our family and close friends. It doesn't make sense. It isn't fair. I can't even think about it really. I am living in an almost constant state of denial. This isn't really my life. I'm not really a walking talking shell of a person. I didn't really watch my daughter die. This isn't really my life. It can't be. I can't be expected to live this way for the rest of my life. I am so sad. So so sad. To the inner most working of my soul. Profoundly. Completely. Irrevocably. Sad.

I miss you my sweet fat baby. I miss you so much. I don't know how to keep doing this. This whole living without you thing. I am so broken without you. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

I don't want to talk about it.

My daughter Violet is an extension of my heart and my soul. 

She is my missing piece. 

She should be 11 months 12 days old today.

She never made it past 5 months 12 days.

My daughter Violet died 6 months ago.

Nothing much to say

I don't have a lot to say lately. I'm still feeling quiet. It's getting harder in ways. In the beginning it was obviously unbearable, but I could write. I had so much to say. Then there was the middle part where I think I was still in that fog of disbelief. But, now almost 6 months in and I have nothing to say. Nothing I say makes this easier. No matter how much I write it doesn't make it easier to breath. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I am on edge most of the time. I have no patience. None. Zilch. I try, most days I can put on a good face and get through the day without any major scream fits. But, other days I can't. I am still taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I will be fine one minute, and the next thing I know I am blindsided with everything again. It really really really sucks. I hate it. HATE it. 

I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything. Other than that I miss Violet. I can't watch her videos very often, or look at pictures a ton anymore. I feel so bad about this. Like I am moving on or trying to forget her. That isn't the case, I know that. But, I don't want her to think that I have forgotten her or moved on. It just hurts too damn much sometimes. I need to be able to get through the day and take care of Lyvi. One day soon I am going to immerse myself in Violet pictures and videos again. Soon, when I have the time for a breakdown. Haha, scheduling my grief. Seems like this is how it will have to be eventually. I will have to carve out a chunk of time to be sad and have the breakdown I so need. 

That's about it. Other than I think I will start doing some soul searching soon. I want to know what I believe in, whether that be God, the Universe, or nothing at all, I want to know. Need to know. But, yeah. This is where I'm at. And, I hate it. 

I feel like I haven't talked to you in so long sweetie. I talk to you everyday in my head. Multiple times a day, but when I don't write it down it just doesn't seem like I'm really talking to you. Your dad and I talked about what to do for your birthday this year. We aren't really sure yet, but we are leaning towards having a barbecue with family and some friends. I know I will be so so sad that day and I don't know what I want to do. But, it feels like being surrounded by people who love you and miss you would be a smart move. I am dreading that day. I shouldn't have to dread your birthday. We should be planning a fun party for you. I should be getting your outfit ready for your pictures. Finding you a smash cake. Figuring out what to get you for your presents. Instead I am trying to plan a barbecue and make a prayer flag (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com). I love you my darling girl. My Violetta Villalobos. I miss you. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Blow after blow

Man. I have been spiraling without even realizing it. No. I knew it. But, I have been running from it. Trying to act like it isn't getting worse. It's just been blow after blow these last couple of weeks. It was 5 months since she died. Then 5 months 13 days, so she has officially been gone longer than she was here. Today is a shitty friday. I hate fridays. She died on a Friday. Tomorrow she should be 11 months old. Just one blow after another after another. After another after another. We had to have Lyvi's 3rd birthday party without her. That was surprisingly hard. We had a family reunion to go to that I was on bed rest last year for so we weren't able to go. I was so excited to take Violet this year. Angie and her family moved all the way to stupid Washington. We got Loki, which ended up not working out. He got that case of diarrhea which sent me into that bad anxiety attack. And, I realized I couldn't handle having a puppy that I was sure was going to die any second. So, we gave him to some friends who have been looking for a dog and have 5 cute kiddos to keep him busy. Thanks again so much Jessica and Chad. I know he's happy there. 

I just can't catch a break. I don't know what I need, but I need something. A drink? Always. But, I can't drink a lot. That just doesn't seem healthy. Obviously I need Violet. We all know that. But, that isn't going to happen. Ever. I don't know what I need right now, but something needs to give. I need to take a breath. I can't seem to breathe. I'm always on edge. Always feel like I'm falling. Plummeting. Careening down into a deep cave. I need some light. Something to lighten up my dark sad broken soul. Of course "Be Okay" by Ingrid Michaelson started as I'm typing this. That sweet Vi is always looking out for me. 

You know what really sucks? We were set. We were ready to really start living our lives. We were working towards buying our home, raising our two girls. We were ready to really start living. Now we have the house. But, we don't have Violet. We want another kid, but I don't think I'm ready. I want one so bad. But, I don't know if that's just because I am desperately trying to patch my heart back together. I do want another child someday, but I know we need to wait. So. We will wait. To start our lives again. I know we have Lyvi. And our dream home. And each other. But, I just don't feel complete. We felt complete with Vi. I know we will never feel complete again, but maybe a little more put together if we can have another one. But, if I can't even keep a damn puppy then how could I handle another baby right now? I really hate this. I loathe it. I hate that it's getting harder. I hate that I know it's going to get a million times worse before it starts to ease up even a little bit. I despise everything about this. 

Thank you for being around so much the last little bit sweetheart. I have needed you. I need your little signs to keep me going. I know I have to keep going, you made that very clear to me today in the car. I was telling myself that I don't want to die, but I would be fine if it happened. And right then Pompeii started. So, I guess I need to keep going and actually try to live. I will try sweet girl. I will try. I love you so much. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Bad Place

So, I have learned that my panic and anxiety doesn't stop at my kids. Apparently it extends out to my puppy too. Yesterday Loki (we renamed him) was sick. He had yucky bad diarrhea. He was super lethargic. He threw up twice in the night. He was so sick. I was sure, absolutely sure that he had Parvo and was going to die. I knew it. I knew he was going to die. I started to panic. I could feel the panic building, just like it started building when Vi was having a hard time breathing at one in the morning. It built and built and built. Until it boiled over and I realized I was having an anxiety attack. Yes, it was about the puppy, I didn't want him to die. But, really it was more than that. It was about Violet. Because the unthinkable happened, I expect it to continue happening. Because Violet's innocent cough turned into a severe and fatal lung infection, I expect a little bit of diarrhea to turn into Parvo and death. I think this is a normal reaction because of what happened to Vi, but I really want to work through it. I realized in the midst of this attack, that if I react this severely to a puppy having diarrhea, can you imagine how I would be as a pregnant person. Or, as the mother of a brand new baby again. I realized in that moment, that as much as I desperately need another baby, I'm not ready. I want to be ready. I want to be able to feel like I could make it through a pregnancy and (god willing) make it through newborn stage without ending up in the looney bin, but I'm so not there yet. If I get to have another baby someday, I want to be the best mother I can be for that baby. And, that means I need to work through this anxiety and learn how to control it. I think it will always be there. I panic when Lyvi gets a cold now, but not as bad as I did yesterday with Loki. That was bad. I was panicking so badly that I had to get away from the puppy, I had to leave. So, I drove to go take care of a fix it ticket. I was calm enough to know I could drive, but I did leave Lyvi with Rich. I needed to be alone and get myself under control. On the way to the city building, I was bawling. I was back in that hospital room. I felt so out of control of my whole life. I can't do anything to prevent tragedy from striking again. I can't keep my puppy safe and I couldn't keep my baby safe. What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I was spiraling into a deep guilt hole that I wasn't going to be able to get myself out of. And, then I Will Wait came on. And, I started to calm down. She's here with me. I could feel her telling me to calm down. Telling me I didn't do anything wrong. But, I was still panicky. And, then Pompeii started after. I took a breath. I became rational again. I realized that I didn't cause Violet's death. I realized that if Loki died, it wasn't my doing. I didn't kill him. It would just be more bad luck. But, I could also feel her telling me that he's ok. He just has a little tummy bug or he was stupid and ate something he shouldn't have. I calmed down for the most part. I was still pretty anxious all day. I still kept telling myself he was probably going to die, which I think is just a defense mechanism so that if he did die, it wouldn't be such a shock. Which is so stupid. It still would have been shocking and awful. I am happy to report that Loki is not dead. He woke up this morning in his usual asshole dickhead manner. He is just fine. Playing and eating and biting the hell out of Lily. But, at least I know where I'm at mentally. Which is not a good place. I have some work to do. 

Look at this stupid dog.

Thank you for calming me down yesterday sweetheart. I am so happy that you are mine and that you are still here with me. I do wish you were actually physically here though. I would still give anything to have you back. Always. I love you my sweet feisty fat little baby. Always. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Vi hours old, sleeping in my arms in my hospital bed. 

Quiet

I'm feeling quiet lately. I don't have much to say. And, I don't know why. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know if I'm running and burying my grief down too deep. Or, if I am already learning how to compartmentalize it. I'm definitely not ok. Definitely not. I am sad. Deeply and profoundly sad. I'm so sad that she's been gone for over 5 months now. I am so sad that I can't remember what it felt like to hold her. I'm forgetting her. Forgetting everything about her. This is going to sound crazy, but I seriously don't remember actually having her. I feel like it was all a big dream. It's surreal that she was actually here. It would be easier for me to believe that she was never actually here, that I dreamt her up, then it would be to believe that she was here and she did die. For my mind, that would be easier. But, then my stupid pesky heart has to sneak up and remind me that a huge chunk of it is missing. That she was here. That all these pictures and videos and feelings are real. This really did happen to me. To her. I really was pregnant for 37 weeks with her. I really did give birth to the most beautiful baby I have ever set eyes on. She really did sleep next to me every night she was alive. I realized today that I was never away from her for more than 2 hours at a time. In her whole life. I would venture to guess that I wasn't away from her for more than 10 hours total. In her whole 5 months 12 days. At least I have that. At least I have no guilt about the time I spent with her. She was always with me. Nursing whenever she wanted. Sleeping whenever I could persuade her to. Crying a lot. But, also playing a lot. She was just the sweetest thing. That is something I do remember. I do remember how sweet she was. I am so sad. 

such a beautiful baby

The fourth of July wasn't hard like the other holidays have been. We were able to have some fun. I wasn't in a terrible mood like I have been on the other holidays. Rich had to work that evening, so Lyvi and I went to the park with my sisters and their kids. Then we went over to our uncle's house to watch fireworks. It was fun. Lyvi liked the fireworks to a point, but she did end up asking to go home. So, we went home. And, then it hit me. The tears surprised me. I wasn't expecting them, but there they were. There was no stopping them. They just flowed freely. I didn't realize how much I had been holding in all day. Until it all flowed out of me like lava. I expect this is how my life will be all the time. Holding it in, thinking that I'm ok, and then being shocked when I'm back in a safe place and it all comes out. I can't cry in front of people. I very rarely cry in front of anyone other than Lyvi. Which is terrible, it would probably be better to cry in front of Rich instead of Lyv. She doesn't like it when I cry, but I think she gets it. Today we were talking about VI in the car, like we usually do. We were talking about Vi being in the stars because Lyv had just saw the moon. After a few seconds of silence Lyvi said "I want get Baby Vi back." Ouch. We can't get her back. Ever. I once again had to tell my oldest daughter that her baby sister is dead and will never come back. I say it as simply as I can, and then I tell her that Vi is in her heart, and the stars, and in everything pretty. I really hate this part of it. I hate that Lyvi lost her sister and that I have to explain it to her so often. I will do it because Lyvi deserves to know the truth and she deserves to have an explanation. But, dammit it hurts. 

I know I have said all of this stuff before. I feel like I should have some profound break through to write about. But, I don't. Things have been quiet. And sad. Just the same stuff over and over. Just trying to get through another day of this hell without Violet. Trying to figure out what to do now. What our next step is. Or if we even have a next step. Is this it? Is this going to be our life now. Just me, Rich, and Lyvi? Always thinking about Violet, but never getting her back. I don't know. I hope we can have another baby someday. I really REALLY don't want Lyv to grow up alone. I don't want her to have to worry about all the things that happen if your parents get old by herself. I want her to have a sibling to grow up with. And nieces and nephews. I want more for her. And for me. And for Rich. And for Violet. I want to make her proud. I want her to know that we always love her and always miss her, but that we were able to move forward. That's what I want now I think. I want to be able to move forward at some point. I need to take a step forward in this new life. But, not yet. We aren't ready yet. We are still standing still, just trying to breath. 

Hi baby girl. I'm feeling so sad lately. And so alone. I just miss you. I wish I remembered what it was like to have you. I wish you were still here. You would have been such a shit on the fourth. Such a shit. But, you would have had so much fun. We would have loved showing you fireworks and letting you eat food at the bbq. I would have shared a snow cone with you. It would have been perfect, even if you and your sister were driving me batty. I just want you here. I want you to experience life. I want you to get scrapes and cuts, try new food, crawl in the grass, play in the pool, eat mud. I want you to be here. I'm so sorry you aren't here. So so sorry baby girl. We got a puppy today! You would love him and hate him. His name is Thor. He's a pit bull just like Lily. He's very Ultraviolet. Super sweet, but crazy feisty. Just like you baby girl. I love you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

5 stupid months

5 months. It's been 5 months. 5 months since I held her. Since I nursed her. Since I saw her smile. Since I saw her bright happy full of life green eyes. Instead of today being just another day in the life of a stay at home mom with 2 girls 2 years apart in age, it's a cruel reminder that I am a stay at home mom of 2 girls 2 years apart in age, but one of them is dead. One of them was violently and pointlessly ripped out of my loving arms. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it a million more times: I do not understand. I do not understand this. I don't understand why it happened to Violet. I don't understand why it happened to me. I don't understand why I was "chosen" to get this beautiful perfect amazing little fat baby, only to have her ripped away so soon. I don't want anyone's explanation as to why they think this happened. There is no reason good enough to make this ok. Even if there is a reason (which there isn't) it would never be enough to make this ok. My soul will never be at peace with this. I feel betrayed. By what? I don't know. Something. Someone. I feel picked on and bullied and beaten down. I'm not strong. I am not strong enough for this. Yes, I will most likely be ok. I will probably learn how to live a pretty decent life without Violet. But I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I don't want to live a pretty decent life, because Vi never got to. Her 5 months were as good as any baby could hope for. She was loved fiercely and fully. She knew it. But, why only 5 months? How can someone who is loved so completely just die? How could she have just died? Just like that. She died. The first time she ever got sick she died. I mean come the fuck on. Her flu or cold or whatever it was, wasn't even bad. She didn't get a fever. She had a clear runny nose and that stupid tiny insignificant cough. A cough that not even a first time mom would have taken their 5 month old in for. Even if I would have taken her in it wouldn't have mattered. Not even the best doctor in the world could have predicated what was going to happen to her in a few days. But Why. Whyyyy. It's so stupid. She is so loved and so wanted and there are so many people who are awful to their children. Why am I the one whose child dies? No, of course those poor unwanted children don't deserve to die. They deserve to be loved and wanted just like my Violet. The injustice that is this world disgusts me. I am just disgusted. It's a disgusting thing, this. All I want to do right now is throw this computer across the room. And scream. And fall into a heap of my own tears and sorrow. I am so dark and twisty. I can't see the positive very often. I don't want to have hope. I want another child, but it's hard for me to believe that we will have one, and if we do I can't believe that the child won't die. This makes Rich sad and hurt. I try to rein it in for him, but sometimes it slips out. I think it's mostly a defense mechanism. If I say it, and then it happens, maybe it won't hurt as much. So stupid and untrue. Of course it would hurt. Just as much as this I'm sure. It just scares me so much to try to see a happy future. What if it all crashes down again. Could I handle it? Probably. Among the worst things you can imagine happening to your baby happened to my baby. And, I am still here. Still breathing. Still standing. Still living, albeit numbly and clumsily. But, I am still here, so I guess I better try to have a more positive outlook. At some point. That's a goal of mine, but not right now. Right now I am going to be mad and sad and dark and twisty. This just sucks. It is shitty and it sucks so much more than I could ever put into words. 

5 months baby girl. 5 stupid long, yet short, months. 13 more days and you will have been gone longer than you were here. Ugh. I really really hate that. Really. I guess technically for me, I still have another 9 ish months since I carried you for that long. And, lets face it. I was madly in love with you from the first tiny faint positive. So very in love with you. I knew in my heart of hearts you were my feisty girl. I just knew you immediately. I knew your soul and you knew mine. You still know mine and I still know yours. I think you were with me today. Thank you for that. For the tree guy. It was such a weird experience and I'm still not sure what to think of it. I'm having a hard time believing that I'm not reading into it too much, grasping onto any tiny little thing that might mean you are still around me. But, I just know you were there with me in that garden center looking for a tree to plant for you. I found the one. I don't have it yet, but they should be getting more in soon so I will call until they get one in. I really hate this sweetheart. I just hate it. I hate that you aren't here. I hate that I have to even think about planting a tree in your memory. I detest it. All of it. I love you though. I love you. I'm going to go watch stupid mindless TV, maybe my brain will quiet down enough that I can sleep tonight. I love you my fat baby. I miss you so much, my Violetta Villalobos. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Anxiety is super fun

I really don't like anxiety. I have never been an anxious person. Never experienced true anxiety until January 30th when I took Vi into the ER. Mine manifests in my legs. Is that weird? My legs go numb. I foggily remember my legs being numb constantly for a couple weeks afterwards. I also get that stomach dropping feeling over and over again. It's been getting better and it isn't something that I need to take medicine for. It doesn't make me incapable of doing things. But, it does still happen. Usually it's random. In the car. Sitting on the couch. Doing dishes. Seeing pictures of other babies. But, sometimes there is a very obvious trigger. Today it was paying medical bills that I have been ignoring. Finding a bill that is for 2 things from Primary Children's. CPR/Trauma Assist, for their attempts to bring her back. Just from the roof of the hospital to the ICU. All of maybe 25 minutes. Daily Room Charge, for the room she was in for, oh.. 20 minutes before they pronounced her dead. The room I held her little body and sobbed in, the room our families came to say goodbye in. The room I had to leave her in. Seeing this bill again after they sent it to us a few months ago sent me in a downward spiral. I already paid them, we only had to pay $25. Which is amazing. But I didn't throw the bill away when I paid it.. not sure why? I just don't want to yet. Calling our insurance company to find out again the status on the Life Flight bill... Anxiety. Not over the potential cost. Just because it takes me back to that night. Her crashing moments after the life flight crew walked in. Audrey kneeling down to me in the hallway explaining that my little girl is very very sick, but they are doing everything they can. Audrey looking me straight in the eyes a bit later, as they have my daughter in the hall doing CPR, and saying "Mama, we aren't looking good. I don't know that she is going to survive this." Standing on that cold roof in the arms of a nurse, who I happened to go to high school with (thanks again Justine). It taking so long to get her in the helicopter, all the while they are still doing chest compressions. And, the only thing I could think was "she isn't covered up. If they don't even bother to cover her up...." Riding in the helicopter. It was so loud. So cold. Seeing all the lights of the city pass below us, and seeing the reflection of Audrey continuing compressions on my baby. I really don't like reliving that. But, this bill. Calling about this bill brings it all to the surface. I did however find out that we aren't responsible for a penny of the bill. I don't know why? But, cool. I don't mind not paying anything for a pointless Life Flight. I hold no ill feelings towards the crew, I know they did everything they could and if you want someone with your child when their heart stops, it's that crew. They are truly amazing. But, yeah. Anxiety sucks. It's subsiding now that I got all that out. Now to call the other hospital where we took her to the ER. The last time I called the lady couldn't find Vi's account... even though I called 10 minutes before and they found it with no issue. Sigh.

I miss you sweet girl. So much. I love you. I think about you constantly. Always will. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

I'm not ok.

Things were getting better. I really thought this. I thought I was handling this better and better everyday. I thought I was going to be ok. 

And then the last 2 weeks happened.

I know it hasn't been that long. Not really. It has been 141 days without her, which really is nothing. But it has been 141 days without her. It is something. It is almost 5 months. It is almost as long as she was here. So, I really thought things were on the mend. I know that sounds stupid, of course things aren't ok. Of course I am not better. How stupid of me to think I could start to feel better after such a short amount of time. I think I was just back in that fog of denial. I'm not sure what has set me off. Maybe the move. Maybe the approach to her 10 month birthday. Maybe the approach of the dreadful day when she will have been gone longer than she was here. (I AM DREADING THAT DAY.) I don't know what caused this, well other than the obvious. I just can't shake it. I can't get out of this dark spot. I will think for an hour or two that I have finally gotten myself back to a safe place. Back to a functioning state where I can remember Violet and also behave like a normal person. But, then the facade crumbles again. My breath catches. I have to physically grab my chest because it hurts so much. I cry that loud guttural sob. I try to muffle it so that I don't scare Lyv. If I can't contain it I get her something to do, a TV show, playdoh, toys. And I go to my room, close the door, and sob. I am so on edge. I don't have any patience. It isn't fair to Lyvi. I try so hard to be patient and loving and consistent. I am failing. I failed Violet, and I'm failing Lyvi. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm doing my best with the cards I have been dealt. I bet people think that once you lose a child you have all the patience in the world for your living ones. I haven't found that to be true so far. I'm sure it's the grief and shock, but I have no room for anything minimal anymore. I realize that Lyvi is an almost 3 year old, and almost 3 year olds are insane little creatures of destruction and chaos. I adore her and her defiant nature. But, god. Sometimes I just need her to put on the shoes I picked out for her. Or let me do her hair without a huge ordeal. Or eat what I make her for lunch. These are all hard things for an almost 3 year old, I know. But, sometimes I really do not have the space in my head to reason and pick my battles. I feel terrible. I feel like the worst mother in existence. One of my children died, and the other one I have no patience for. Don't get me wrong, we have fun. We play. I adore her, and she knows I love her guts. I try my hardest, even when I am falling off the cliff, to be happy and present for her. But, these last 2 weeks I am failing her. I am failing Violet again by not being the mom I know her and Lyvi deserve. I'm trying. And maybe by writing this I will be more aware of it in the moment. 

I'm more angry these last two weeks. Again. The anger is hard, but almost cathartic. I can throw things. Bang dishes. Slam cupboards. Yell at the unfolded laundry. But, it also hurts. It hurts to be so mad. It hurts to get so pissed off at Rich for something so stupid, and have him not understand why I'm yelling at him for spilled milk. He isn't angry. It's not in his nature to be mad. He's a generally chill guy, and he's a lot more spiritual than me. He has more peace about this whole pile of fuck than I do. Which isn't hard to do since I have zero peace about it. But, yeah. He isn't really mad. Which is fine. I don't get to tell him how to feel. It's hard that he isn't mad though, because then he doesn't understand why I will be fine one minute and a complete disaster the next. It's just hard. All of this. 

So, all of this to say I'm not ok. I don't think I will be for a long long time. I think I'll probably go in and out of these "I'm ok. I'm not ok. I'm ok. I'm not ok" phases. It has only be 141 days, and I'm not ok.

Hi baby girl. I have felt you quite a bit over the last few days. Yesterday in the car I could feel you with me. I knew you'd play a song for me after I visited your grave. I just knew it. And, of course "I will wait" started the second I turned the car on to leave. I know when you are near me. I love it, but I hate it. I hate that the only way I get to feel you is by a song and a feeling. I hate all of this. I just want you back. I miss you so much. My heart breaks more everyday. I see all the babies your age growing and imagine what you would be doing. You were so ahead. I know you would be walking by now. I know you would be feisty and happier than ever because all you ever wanted to do was be on the move. I think you would have a good amount of dark fuzzy hair. I know you wouldn't tolerate a headband anymore. I know you would love the kiddy pool here at our house. And, I know you would be the most perfect amazing chubby happy little girl. It isn't fair. I just want you here. Growing. Learning. Being you. I am such a mess lately. I want to curl up and cry and never stop. I don't know if I can do this. I just don't know. I'm trying. I will keep trying. You don't get to live, so I am going to do my best for as long as I get to. I love you my fat baby. SO much. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.