Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My life

I made it through her birthday. With a little (a lot) of help from my family and friends. And, from complete strangers. The outpouring of love from everyone was astounding. The legacy my girl has left is humbling to say the least. To hear from so many people how Vi has fundamentally changed their lives is breathtaking. I always knew she was different. I always knew she was (is) special. I just didn't realize it would be in this way. I still don't feel like this was "meant to be," but I am finding a little bit of peace. There is nothing I can do to change this, so why not try to make some good out of it. I want Violet to be remembered for how amazing she is. I want people to talk about her. I want people to think about her as they are struggling with the everyday frustrations of life. I want people to live fuller, love harder, be better because of my Violet. And, the only way that is going to happen is if I do all of those things and more. I have to make a conscious decision to live. I have to decide that even though I am in constant agonizing pain, I need to live for her. I'm not anyone special. I am not this amazing inspiring person. I am just me. I am Michelle. I am a sad grieving, but beyond lucky mama. I am a person. I am alive. So, I need to live. I've said it before and I'll say to a million more times: Violet doesn't get to live, so I have to. I get to. The privilege of life hasn't been ripped away from me yet. It is inevitable, one day I will not be alive. But, for now while I am, I will live. I will live for her and I will live for me. I will do everything I can to keep living in her name. Sure, there are going to be days where I don't want to live. There are going to be days where the pain and agony of living without Violet is too much to bear. On those days I might lay in bed all day, but I will get up the next day. I will get up and keep on pushing. I can't do this alone. I am still profoundly sad. It is still a daily struggle to keep going. I still need love and light sent my way. I still need love and light sent to my husband because he gets the brunt end of my grief. And, he is just as broken and sad as I am. We still need your love and support. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life that I don't need support. So, thank you all. Thank you for still being here 6 1/2 months later. 

I will always hate that this is my life. But, it is my life. And, I have to live it. No one else can do it for me. I have to do it. With the help of my sweet girl. I know she's still around me. She makes that evident so often it can't just be coincidence. I am so lucky to be her mama. I am so lucky she is mine. I am so lucky to be hers. I am so lucky. I have terrible bad luck, but I am lucky. Talk about an oxymoron. I truly feel that way though. I have terrible luck. Bad things happened to her out of pure bad luck (which I irrationally think is my fault) but how lucky am I that she is mine. That I got her for 5 months 12 days. No one else got her. I got her. She was given to me. She chose me. I am so lucky to get to call that little girl mine. Not to mention my beautiful Lyvi-Loo and Rich and my family and friends. I have so much good in my life still. I imagine myself with this dark thick shadow grabbing hold of me, but there is so much light still around me that is can't quite get it's grasp on me. Sometimes it's able to grab a hold of me for a moment, but then the light crowds in and helps dig me back out. Again, thank you. Thank you Vi. Thank you everyone. 

I started this out planning to write about the day Vi was born, but as normal it took on a life of its own. I do want to write about that amazing night soon. I am tired. The week leading up to yesterday was so emotionally draining that I'm not sure how I'm still awake. I'm going to go fill my coffee back up and get myself and Lyv ready for the day. I love you all. Thank you. 

Oh my sweet girl. My sweet Violet. I am still in shock and disbelief that you weren't here for your big day yesterday. I doubt that will ever fade. Thank you so much for being around me throughout the day. I could feel you. I could sense your calming feisty energy. (Keep Breathing started right as I started talking to you. Oh you sweet little thing you.) I love you so much my darling. You have made me better. I will always be so deeply sad that you aren't physically here to grow up and live the life you deserve. I will always wish it was me. I will always want to trade places with you. No matter what. You say the word my dear and it will be done. I adore you my sweetie pie honey buns. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for giving me the best 5 months 12 days of my life. Thank you for being you. I will love you to the ends of the universe. Forever and for always my dear. Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Saturday, August 9, 2014


Vi's birthday is in 10 days. I should be planning a fun party. Instead I am planning a little barbecue with our family and close friends. It doesn't make sense. It isn't fair. I can't even think about it really. I am living in an almost constant state of denial. This isn't really my life. I'm not really a walking talking shell of a person. I didn't really watch my daughter die. This isn't really my life. It can't be. I can't be expected to live this way for the rest of my life. I am so sad. So so sad. To the inner most working of my soul. Profoundly. Completely. Irrevocably. Sad.

I miss you my sweet fat baby. I miss you so much. I don't know how to keep doing this. This whole living without you thing. I am so broken without you. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.