Today is memorial day. Not that I need a reason to remember or visit my daughter's grave, but we will be going to sit with her later on today. Oh how I wish today was just a day I could use as an excuse to have a barbecue with family. Blahhh.
I am feeling so empty lately. Just empty. Nothing excites me. I just don't feel anything, until the despair creeps in. Then all I feel is pain and sorrow and empty sadness. Always the emptiness. Nothing can ever fix this. Nothing can ever mend my heart. Nothing will ever change this. Aside from my own death. It's an overwhelming and profoundly empty feeling. I can't imagine that this emptiness will ever fill in. Sure, maybe it won't be so profound one day. I have heard as time goes on the pain gets less raw, you learn to live with the hole, but it's always there. Always wanting to creep in and take over. I know even though we lost Violet, we are still very lucky. I have an amazing family. Amazing friends. I have Rich. I have Lyvi. We are buying our dream home. We can put food on our table and a roof over our heads. We have clean drinking water, access to medical care. Education. We are truly lucky when compared to the dire circumstances in other parts of the world. I know that. But, it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It doesn't fill in the emptiness in my soul. It doesn't make me any less angry.
Oh the anger. Sometimes it scares me. I have never felt anger of this magnitude. it's eating away at me, as much as I don't want it to. It is changing me. It is changing my inner most workings. I don't view things the way that I used to. Very few things really impact me anymore. I don't like it. I don't have much sympathy for people. Someone you loved died? I am so sorry for your loss, but at least it wasn't your child. It could be worse. At least that person got to live a life. I know that is terrible. I know that will offend people. I have lost people I love other than Vi. My grandma died when I was 12. I had never experienced sadness like that before. I remember feeling so sad. I remember wanting to fix everything because I hated seeing my dad so sad. But that feeling? That isn't even a drop in the hat compared to what I am feeling now. I know if you haven't lost a child you can't understand this. But, the people who have lost a child get it. Like my friend Jenny said, "No one else will ever fully understand…nor do we want them too. But it's hard…because we kind of wish they would." (I stumbled upon Jenny's blog when I was googling pictures of staph infections, because I got one on my arm after I got my tattoo for Violet. She lost her beautiful Vienne a year and a half ago suddenly and unexpectedly. Let's not even talk about how weird it is that I found her blog by googling staph, seeing a picture of her daughter Ivy who had a staph infection on her head, and then come to find out MRSA, which is a staph infection, is what took my Violet. Weird, I know. Take a peek at her blog, send her some love. forvienne.blogspot.com) I would never wish this on anyone. I really wouldn't. But, why did it happen to me. To Rich. To Lyvi. To our families. And, especially Violet. Why did it happen to her. Why doesn't she get to live a life? Why do all these other people get to live and have all of their children with them? Why do people get to have so many kids, and I can't even keep my 2? I would have been content with my 2 girls. I really would have been. I wouldn't have wanted anything else in my life, especially if I got even a one second taste of this despair and emptiness. I just wish it wouldn't have happened. And, if it had to happen, if MRSA had to kill a sweet baby, I wish it wasn't my baby. Most of all though, I just wish this didn't have to happen at all. I'm sorry if this offends anyone. I'm not trying to diminish anyone's grief or loss, I'm really not. I wish so much that I didn't have to know how this felt. I wish I could be on the other side where the loss of someone other than a child felt life changing and staggering. I realize to the vast majority of people, these losses are staggering and life changing. Oh, how I wish I was on that side.
I don't think I have shared this video on here yet. If I have oh well. It's one of my favorites. Violet was like this most of the time. Just pissed off, but happy. Content for a second, and then not content at all. Whiny, but able to be sidetracked with toys or happy talking. I miss her.
It's almost been 4 months my sweet girl. I can't even believe that. It feels like a lifetime, but it feels like yesterday. I can't believe it has almost been 4 months since I held you. Since I nursed you. I can't believe the last time I nursed you was really the last time. It wasn't peaceful like all the other times. It was gut wrenching. You wanted to eat so bad. Your mouth was so dry and you were so hungry, but you couldn't catch your breath so you couldn't suck and swallow. I don't think about that very often. It hurts too much. My one responsibility was to keep you fed and healthy, and I couldn't do either of those things. I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.