Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My life

I made it through her birthday. With a little (a lot) of help from my family and friends. And, from complete strangers. The outpouring of love from everyone was astounding. The legacy my girl has left is humbling to say the least. To hear from so many people how Vi has fundamentally changed their lives is breathtaking. I always knew she was different. I always knew she was (is) special. I just didn't realize it would be in this way. I still don't feel like this was "meant to be," but I am finding a little bit of peace. There is nothing I can do to change this, so why not try to make some good out of it. I want Violet to be remembered for how amazing she is. I want people to talk about her. I want people to think about her as they are struggling with the everyday frustrations of life. I want people to live fuller, love harder, be better because of my Violet. And, the only way that is going to happen is if I do all of those things and more. I have to make a conscious decision to live. I have to decide that even though I am in constant agonizing pain, I need to live for her. I'm not anyone special. I am not this amazing inspiring person. I am just me. I am Michelle. I am a sad grieving, but beyond lucky mama. I am a person. I am alive. So, I need to live. I've said it before and I'll say to a million more times: Violet doesn't get to live, so I have to. I get to. The privilege of life hasn't been ripped away from me yet. It is inevitable, one day I will not be alive. But, for now while I am, I will live. I will live for her and I will live for me. I will do everything I can to keep living in her name. Sure, there are going to be days where I don't want to live. There are going to be days where the pain and agony of living without Violet is too much to bear. On those days I might lay in bed all day, but I will get up the next day. I will get up and keep on pushing. I can't do this alone. I am still profoundly sad. It is still a daily struggle to keep going. I still need love and light sent my way. I still need love and light sent to my husband because he gets the brunt end of my grief. And, he is just as broken and sad as I am. We still need your love and support. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life that I don't need support. So, thank you all. Thank you for still being here 6 1/2 months later. 

I will always hate that this is my life. But, it is my life. And, I have to live it. No one else can do it for me. I have to do it. With the help of my sweet girl. I know she's still around me. She makes that evident so often it can't just be coincidence. I am so lucky to be her mama. I am so lucky she is mine. I am so lucky to be hers. I am so lucky. I have terrible bad luck, but I am lucky. Talk about an oxymoron. I truly feel that way though. I have terrible luck. Bad things happened to her out of pure bad luck (which I irrationally think is my fault) but how lucky am I that she is mine. That I got her for 5 months 12 days. No one else got her. I got her. She was given to me. She chose me. I am so lucky to get to call that little girl mine. Not to mention my beautiful Lyvi-Loo and Rich and my family and friends. I have so much good in my life still. I imagine myself with this dark thick shadow grabbing hold of me, but there is so much light still around me that is can't quite get it's grasp on me. Sometimes it's able to grab a hold of me for a moment, but then the light crowds in and helps dig me back out. Again, thank you. Thank you Vi. Thank you everyone. 

I started this out planning to write about the day Vi was born, but as normal it took on a life of its own. I do want to write about that amazing night soon. I am tired. The week leading up to yesterday was so emotionally draining that I'm not sure how I'm still awake. I'm going to go fill my coffee back up and get myself and Lyv ready for the day. I love you all. Thank you. 

Oh my sweet girl. My sweet Violet. I am still in shock and disbelief that you weren't here for your big day yesterday. I doubt that will ever fade. Thank you so much for being around me throughout the day. I could feel you. I could sense your calming feisty energy. (Keep Breathing started right as I started talking to you. Oh you sweet little thing you.) I love you so much my darling. You have made me better. I will always be so deeply sad that you aren't physically here to grow up and live the life you deserve. I will always wish it was me. I will always want to trade places with you. No matter what. You say the word my dear and it will be done. I adore you my sweetie pie honey buns. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama. Thank you for giving me the best 5 months 12 days of my life. Thank you for being you. I will love you to the ends of the universe. Forever and for always my dear. Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 


  1. I love everything about this post Michelle. So proud of you!

  2. Most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Sending you many prayers for healing and peace. Hugs to you precious mama.

  3. I am in awe of your strength and love. Thank you for reminding me to cherish my little ones today. May God keep you and bless you with His light that you so desperately need. ��

  4. Thank you so much. Your words are perfect, so honest and raw.. So many of your posts are things I think about too. Happy birthday to Vi.

  5. I thought about you and baby Violet many times over the course of the day on the 19th. Happy Birthday to your sweet girl. Stay strong!

  6. Michelle, I am constantly thinking about you and your girls. Especially when I hear Pompeii. Whenever it comes on the radio, I choke up. I cry. The impact Vi has made is unremarkable. On her first birthday, I heard this version of her song for the first time and thought you might want to hear it. xoxo

  7. Wow she's a beautiful baby! You may think you are just an ordinary person but you are inspiring people just by living and sharing your honest emotions along the way. Just living and still deeply loving your husband and daughters is more than many could do.


    I just wanted to tell you that I truly pray for you. I myself have two children, and your story seriously touched my.heart. I.often visit to see how.your doing. Keep going.mama keep inspiring!!! Happy belated birthday baby Violet.

  9. You are truly a strong woman and mother. I came across your instagram and blog and you are inspirational. Don't lose hope, keep your head up high.
    We don't know why these tragedies occur to our innocent children, unfortunately it happens from time
    to time. May God continue to bless you and give you peace, love, joy, hope, and strength.

  10. Thinking of you and your sweet Violet. She is very special. There is no time that i dont think about made me a better mother. I was having post-natal depression. I was very unhappy and depressed. I have 3 little girls. The youngest one 10,5 months old. I have been very inpatient and agrassive to them. I have been reading your blog. I have been crying out. You taught me to be a better mother. Nothing matters just hug your kids tighter.even tho we have never met I feel like I know you, I know and love Violet. One day when you are happy we will be happy too. Lots of love and hugs all the way from Australia.

  11. Stumbled across your instagram somehow, in which curiosity led me to your blog. You are so strong and so brave and such a good mama! IM nothing special, i haven't experienced what you have, im just an eighteen year old uni student living in SYDNEY AUSTRALIA! your story, violets story, has touched me. The other night i was reading a few of your blog entries and then went for a drive and obviously had violet heavy in my mind, and then Taylor henderson's song, when you were mine came, on the radio:
    And all that I am
    Still belongs to you
    Take a look at me darling
    I don't want something new
    If I gave all I had
    Would it have made you stay?

    Would it have made you stay?
    Would it have made you stay?

    I'd send myself broke
    Just to buy back the time
    If the change in my pockets
    Could change your mind
    I'd send myself broke
    But I don't really mind
    I'm doing it all, I'm doing it all
    Just so we can rewind
    Oh, to when you were mine

    I carry first hand hurt
    In the back of my mind
    'Cause you loved me so fast
    That I got left behind
    I still watch the clock
    But I know I'm just too late

    i love that song and it hasn't been on in a while, it was freezing cold and all of a sudden i got so warm. I am not religious but do strongly believe in signs of loved ones who may have past, i have had my own experiences. But when this came on i did not think about my grandparents or friends who were taken too early i thought about violet and you and rich and lyv, i knew it was her. It sounds crazy i know. And all of a sudden, like you had said many times before the lyrics of that song took on a whole new meaning.
    violet is so loved by people who never met her and live on the other side of the world. Stay strong, keep pushing. You're a beautiful person.
    i know its late, but happy birthday precious baby violet.
    love from Brayde from Sydney xxxx