Monday, April 28, 2014

Clarification

For my own peace of mind I feel I need to clarify a few things from my last post. First off, I write for me. And, for Violet. If you take anything I write personally then you are reading the wrong blog. I stated in my post that all of my thoughts are irrational. I said that in plain english. I reread my post and can see how it could be misinterpreted. So, let me clear a couple things up. What I truly meant by all of that nonsense was that given the choice right now to get Violet back or have a new baby, I would choose Vi. I would choose Violet a million times. Because, I had her and lost her. I love her with every piece of my heart and soul. I do not know or love any future children I may have, but that does not mean that I wouldn't love any future child. Of course I would. Just like with Lyvi and Violet, if I see a positive pregnancy test I will instantly love that life inside of me. But, for right now, in this moment, I want Violet back. I would choose Violet. I would rip out my uterus and ovaries right now and never have another child again if it meant I could get Violet back. I was in NO WAY diminishing anyone else's loss or grief. My loss and grief has NOTHING to do with anyone else. Everyone's loss is unique and individual. No one reacts exactly the same way. Having a stillborn, a premie, an infant, a toddler, a child, a teen, or an adult child die is an unspeakable tragedy. No matter the age or way of the death, a grieving parent is a grieving parent. We are in this together. We are supposed to support each other and understand that we are going to say irrational things without thinking it through all the way. I am sorry if I have offended anyone, but this is my place. Yes, I probably should have read what I wrote before posting it and maybe explained myself a little bit better, but I didn't. Because this is therapeutic and it helps my shattered heart. I write what I need to write and if you don't like it then stop reading, because obviously even though you are on my "team" you aren't really on my team. 

Sorry for that little tangent my darling girl. I'm worn out tonight, emotionally. I need to lay on the couch and lose myself in mindless TV. I love you so much. Oh, before I go let me tell you what your sister said to me today. It's been a hard day. We were driving to the store when I suddenly had a cry attack. It started out quiet but quickly turned into heaving sobs and huge crocodile tears. Lyvi, being the sweet little thing she is, told me to calm down. "Calm down mommy. Stop crying. It ok, Baby Vi in the stars." I'd be so lost without her. Stay close to her please. I miss you my fat baby, I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I hate my new norm and other random morbid thoughts

I think I'm forgetting her. Not forgetting like I am going to forget that she existed. But, forgetting how it felt to hold her, nurse her, kiss her, her smell, the little things that were so Violet. It's been almost 3 months since we lost her. She has been gone more than half the time she was here. Does that wording make sense? You know what I mean. 3 months without her is unimaginable. I really feel like I'm forgetting her. I watch videos of her and I can't believe that she was ever mine. I watch her and it's almost like I am in some alternate universe. None of this feels real. I have all these videos of this adorable healthy growing baby, MY adorable healthy growing baby, but I don't have her anymore. I can't figure out the words to explain this feeling, this feeling of forgetting. I know I haven't forgotten her, but I have forgotten what it was like to have her. My new norm is just Lyvi again. I hate my new norm. We had Lyvi for a little over 2 years before we had Violet. Then we only had the two of them for 5 months 12 days before it was just Lyvi again. It was hard having 2 kids, really hard. The adjustment period sucked. Lyvi was full force in the "terrible-twos" and Violet was colicky. That first little bit is such a blur. I wish I remembered every single detail of it all. I remember a lot of late nights and early mornings. I remember desperately wanting to be able to make myself some eggs because I was starving (hello ravenous breastfeeding appetite) in the morning but Vi was screaming her head off and Lyvi was whining and crying over some stupid little thing. I remember pacing the floor patting Violet's back for hours trying to get her to burp or fart or something so that she would finally go to sleep for at least a few minutes before she would need to eat again. I remember being so obsessed with Lyvi going to bed at 8 PM every night so that I would have a little bit of time with both of them asleep to play on my phone or watch a show or stare at a wall or eat, before Vi would wake up around 10 to eat. I remember feeling so depleted that I basically told Rich I HAD to have a Moby wrap or I was going to lose the rest of my mind and he would need to put me in the loony bin, so I went on my very first outing with just me and my girls to target to get a Moby and gripe water. (Ironic much that Vi's first and last outing was Target....) Vi loved that Moby wrap and I was able to make myself eggs and Lyvi lunch or clean a little and pace the floor with a screaming baby but not get sore tired arms after a few minutes. I remember very cautiously and carefully trying to sit down on the couch after Vi finally fell asleep in the Moby and sitting there for as long as she slept. It's all such a blur, and it really was a very hard time. But, I loved every second of it and would give anything to go back there. Anything. This being back to one kid thing is infinitely harder than having 2 crazy kids. I would have 100 more kids if it meant I could have Violet back. I am very very irrational. I think things, awful things. Like why did it have to be Violet? If one of my kids had to die why couldn't it be some future kid I don't love and adore yet? I know that is fucking nuts, because if I do have another kid in the future I will love and adore that child and not be able to imagine my life without said imaginary future child. But, I think that all the time. Why did it have to be my Violet. If given the choice between one of your current lovely amazing children whom you love with every piece of your soul dying, or some future fictional made up child who you do not yet love with every piece of your soul dying, you would obviously choose the latter. Obviously. I would honestly rather have Violet here still, get pregnant and have that baby die, then having to watch Violet die and live the rest of my life without her. Honestly. This is the morbid shit that goes through my head all the time. I try not to say a lot of it out loud because I know its terrible. I'm not saying that I want any future child I may or may not have to die. No no no. Please Universe do not kill anymore of my children. Please. But, I am no longer in the realm of fluffy unicorns and popcorn and lollipops. I now realize that if we decide to try and have another child, there is a chance that child could die. Be it a miscarriage, stillbirth, rare genetic issue, heart defect, the fucking flu, childhood cancer, a car accident, a freak accident, being eaten by a bear, drowning in a washer (that shit happens), a dresser falling over onto imaginary future child etc etc etc. Kids die. Every. Single. Day. I live in constant fear that something will happen to Lyvi. I now realize that if we decide we really want to have another kid (which I really really do want to), and all goes well and I give birth to a living breathing healthy child, that I have now put myself out there yet again to possibly be crushed beyond repair. Again. People do lose more than one child. It's not like one of your kids die and you get a free pass against anymore tragedy in your life. That's not how this thing we call life works. Life is cruel and awful and short. Sometimes way too short. Sure, life has it's good parts. Like actually being able to live and love and experience. But, it can also take all of that away in the blink of an eye. One second you can be here and the next you aren't. Life is realllll fucking shitty sometimes. 

 So, that's where my head's at. I bet you're glad you aren't me right about now, huh. So, in short, having one kid is infinitely more difficult than having two, and I am very aware that if we have another child it may die. Also, if given the choice I would take Violet over a future imaginary child any day. Hands down. But, that is not an option. So, I would like to have another child and cross all my fingers and toes and anything else that can cross, that future imaginary child doesn't die. I say some pretty morbid things lately and I'm not going to apologize for it. I get to have sudden random cry attacks at very inopportune times. Like at a bridal shower in front of lots of happy women who don't have any idea why that crazy lady just started bawling and ran to the bathroom at the sight of a cute little baby. Or, in Wendover at a table eating buffet food (while being very very intoxicated) and randomly telling the table of men next to us to get their Flu shots because my baby died of Influenza A. (That one was kinda my fault, but also kind of not. I think I can tell whoever I want about Violet and spout off about how everyone who is over 6 months of age and not immunocompromised needs to get their goddamn flu shot.) So, no. I'm not going to apologize for saying awful morbid things because I'm entitled. I have a get out of jail free card for all social situations. Because my baby died.

I'm bordering on the angry side again my sweet girl. I can't possibly be as sad as I need to be, because I am convinced it would kill me. So, eventually it bubbles over into angerville. I like the Anger better than the mind blowing sadness. At least I can write a ton of gibberish and make awful morbid jokes and tell random people to get a fucking flu shot. The sadness cripples me, whereas the anger keeps me going. I'm just so mad that this happened to you. I watch the videos of you and my brain turns to mush. I just cannot comprehend how you were mine and you were here and I was so insanely in love with you, and then in 20 short hours (longest hours of my life) you were gone. Just like that. Poof. No more Violetta Villalobos. And, it fucking sucks. So much. I miss you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I would give anything to have you back. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Feeling detached

I've been feeling pretty disconnected lately. I'm in this weird spot of being really really sad, yet still functioning. I just avoid all the things that trigger me to really realize that this happened. So, I get up, feed Lyvi breakfast, eat my eggs and drink an obscenely huge cup of coffee, get us ready, and leave the house. I find any excuse to leave because being here makes my realize Violet is missing. Sure, she's missing from my car, from the shopping cart, from the stroller, from my person (meaning she isn't on me in the Moby wrap or Mei Tai) etc etc. But, her absence is most noticeable at home. Everywhere in this house is a memory of her. My bed is where she slept every night. My couch is where I spent countless hours nursing her. The toy room is where I would sit with her and play with Lyvi, or where Lyvi would jump around and make her laugh. The bathroom is where I would sit her in her rocker chair while I tried to get ready, and where I gave her baths. Lyvi's room is where I would get her changed into her jammies at night, or rock her in the glider, or lay her in the crib for a little nap while I tried to shower, or let her roll around on the ground, or let her play with Lily. The kitchen table is where her bouncy chair always was, she despised that damn chair. Everywhere I look is a place she once was. Even this damn computer chair. I sat her and Lyvi in it and took a picture of them in outfits for our first (and only) family pictures. And, I rocked her in this chair a lot in the last few weeks. She is missing from this house. So, I detach myself. I leave. I try not to be here alone at all. I just feel disconnected. It makes my life harder trying to be away from home as much as possible with my almost 3 year old. Toddlers do not function like well behaved human beings in public for long. It doesn't take long before she is sprawled on the floor like a rabid animal, foaming at the mouth and screaming like a banshee. It's a lot of fun. 



It's almost been 3 months. I am not any closer to feeling "ok" about any of this. 3 months is such a small amount of time. In case any of you are wondering, I am not ok. I am not "over this" or "through this." I still have a lot of trauma and grief and shock. I still need to talk about what happened. I still say morbid awful things. I still need you to check in, ask how I am, and honestly want to know. If I tell you I'm awful, I want you to understand. I don't want you to tell me this will get better. I don't want anyone to tell me it's time to start moving forward. I would still love to hear memories you have of Violet, or see pictures you have of her. I want to hear how sad you are, how much you miss her, how this has affected your life. Even if you didn't see her often, or even if you never met her. It means a lot, A LOT, to know her life affected others. Even if only her death brought her into your life. I desperately need to know that she made an impact and that even though she hasn't been alive for just about 3 months, people are still thinking of her. I need to know that I am not the only one still sad about her tragic, awful, untimely, useless, terrible, wretched, unthinkable, preventable, traumatic, abrupt, chaotic, pointless, heartbreaking, soul-crushing death. I just need to know that she's still here, even though she isn't here.

Hey baby love. I miss you. I am so ready to move into the new house, but I am still so scared. I don't know how I am going to react leaving the last place you ever lived. I know we need to get out of here, but I don't know if I am really truly ready. I don't think one can ever be ready to leave the last place their child was alive. I just have to bite the bullet and do it. This is a sad house. I think I will have a hard time being in the extra room at the new place because that should be your room. I think I'll avoid that room for awhile. I just miss you. I know I look ok and am functioning this week, but it's just a show. You know my mind is an ongoing catastrophe. I just miss you. I love you. Wait for me let's go to the stars.  


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter?

More like fucking awful Easter. It actually kind of shocked me how awful it was. Usually the days that I expect to be the worst aren't. The bad ones tend to sneak up on ya. But, today was just as dreadfully awful as I expected. I hated every second of it. I, of course, loved watching Lyvi have fun and be adorable. But, it was so very obvious that Violet was missing. The void was palpable. On Saturday Lyvi and I went to an Easter egg hunt with my friend/BFF/sister/soul mate Shay and her adorable fiery red heads. I felt so naked. It felt like everyone there could see my shattered heart and jagged soul. I didn't know what to do with my arms. I should have been holding Vi. It should have been a chaotic mess of me chasing an almost 3 year old and an 8 month old. She would have been 8 months old yesterday. Instead Lyvi was very well behaved and I stood there with my arms folded, unfolded, at my sides, in my pockets, hugging Shay, holding Lyvi's hand when she would let me. But, never holding my sweet Violet like I should have been. I felt so naked. Here are a few pics of Lyvi, I tried to snap a couple with the reds but didn't manage to get a good one. 





How could I not keep going when I have that beautiful amazing weird little girl? I have to. But, it is so very very hard. I managed to only have one real break down today, and it happened to be after my shower and Lyvi's bath. I just lost it. In front of her. I try not to break in front of her. It's a delicate balance. I don't hide my grief from her, I want her to know that it's ok to be sad, that Violet dying is absolutely something to be sad about. But, I also don't want to traumatize her. So, I try really hard to keep her life as normal as possible. She hates it when I cry. She really hated it today, but I couldn't get myself under control right away. She just wiped my eyes, said "Mommy, you miss Baby Vi?", patted my shoulder, told me to stop crying. It just isn't fair. None of this. Violet being dead. Lyvi having to wipe her mom's tears. Me not having both of my children here on Easter. None of this makes any sense at all. 

We did get Lyvi an Easter basket. She woke up bright and early and was so excited to see her stuff. We didn't do much today. Just hung out at home most of the day. My parents came over for a bit, Rich's parents came over for a bit. We took both sets of parents on a walk through of our new home. It isn't done yet, but there has been a lot of progress. We let Lyvi play outside and blow bubbles. Then we took Violet some flowers. 





Why do I have to take flowers to my daughter's grave? How did this happen? How is this my life? How was she here one minute, and the next she is gone? Forever? I don't get it. I think if I had to choose a stage of grief that I am in right now it would be bargaining. I know she is dead. I know she is never coming back. I know that. But, I constantly have thoughts of if I do this, that, or the other then she'll come back. I know she won't, but I am bargaining. I need her back. I would do anything. Anything. I realize there is nothing I can do, but the thought of never seeing her again is too much. It's just too much. So, I bargain. Because it's the only way I can move past this day. Into another new day without my Violetta Villalobos. I felt her around quite a bit today. There were a couple bumble bees around throughout the day. Pompeii came on right as we were talking about what flowers to get her. My sister stumbled upon a little nook of purple wildflowers and felt her there. None of that will ever be enough. I love getting little signs, but it will never be enough. 

My heart is so heavy tonight baby girl. Today was most decidedly not good. Not a good Easter. How is any of this real life? I have been in a fog for a couple weeks, kind of just pushing all these feelings down. They are trying so hard to burst through. I know I need to let them, but it just hurts so much. I'm so sorry you never got an Easter. You would have been so fun. I would have let you try a teeny bit of candy. I would have taken ridiculous pictures of you in Easter ears with your big sister. Instead, all I got to do was take you flowers. Seeing all the happy whole families is so hard. I am stuck in this place of hating them but also feeling so happy that none of them know what this feels like. I wish I didn't know what this feels like. I will never understand why this happened to you. To me. To us. It doesn't make sense and it fucking sucks. I love you my sweet fat silly Violetta. I miss you so much I can barely breath. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 










Thursday, April 17, 2014

Mini-breakthrough

I've been thinking a lot. Reading a lot. I'm struggling to put my thoughts into words, because I don't really know what it all means. I hesitate to even write about it at this point, because I am terrified that people will think I am "over it" or "past it." I am not. I will never be. I am terrified that people will think I didn't love Violet or that I don't love her now. I do. So much. More than anyone could ever understand. I'm terrified that people will think I want to forget her, forget this, get over it. I don't. I will relive that terrible day everyday for the rest of my life. I will think about her everyday for the rest of my life. And, I will never get over this. This isn't something you get over. Violet is not someone you can forget. She is deep deep down in the depths of me, she is part of me. She's not going anywhere. She is in there to stay, for forever. With all of this being said, let me try to explain where my head is at lately. 

I don't want to be this sad forever, I don't want to be this mad forever. I don't want to feel this despair constantly. I don't want to feel like this forever. How long can someone feel like this before they turn into a bitter old woman? Even though my body is young, my heart and soul are aging. I am 187 years old on the inside. How long can I feel like this before my heart and soul die and I am left with a shell of myself? I can't do that to my Lyvi-Loo. I don't want her to grow up with a bitter anger sad mom. Yes I will always forever have angry, sad, bitter moments, but I don't want to be a bitter angry sad woman. Make sense? I don't want the sadness and anger to change me for the worse. I want it to change me for the better. I want to be a better person because Violet lived. I want to be a better person because she made me me. I want to be a better person, because if on the off chance I do get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint Lyvi. I don't want to disappoint Rich or anyone else who loves me. I know I have a free pass to feel and act however I want. But, I don't want to take advantage of that and let it make me a sad empty person that no one wants to be around. This terrifies me, because at this point I feel like my anger and sadness and despair are what keep me connected to Violet. Which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense since she was none of those things. Not at all. She was the polar opposite of sadness and anger and despair. Well, she had quite the fiery temper, but she wasn't angry. She was UltraViolet. I want my happiness, laughter, memories, and yes sometimes my sadness to keep me connected to her. I will always be sad that she isn't here, and I think that is ok. But, I don't want the sadness to paralyze me. I want to be able to live the life that Violet never got to live. I want to be the mom that I know she deserved. I want to raise her sister, and maybe someday another of her siblings to be amazing people. I want to keep her memory alive. But, if I let the anger, sadness, and despair make me a bitter empty person then someday I won't be able to keep her memory alive. It will hurt too much. And, she would leave me. So, this is something that I want to work on. In time. Not now. Not anytime soon. But, this is where I would like to head someday. There will still be anger vulgar hateful posts in here. There will still be sad sad sad posts. It's only been 11 weeks tomorrow since she died, that is not NEARLY enough time for me to try to start healing. But, I have had a mini-breakthrough. I guess. If that's what you want to call it. 

A kind woman, who is also a member of this dreadful club, reached out to me recently. I asked for some support through the MISS foundation. We have only emailed a couple times, but I have read a lot of her writing. She is peaceful. I want to be peaceful. Someday. She sent me this poem and it is so perfect for how I feel about my Violet.

"This world is no match for your Love.
Being away from you
is death aiming to take my soul away.
My heart, so precious,
I won't trade for a hundred thousand 
souls.
Your one smile takes it for free"
-Rumi

Violet. Sometimes I just have to say your name out loud. I need to hear your name. You were real. You are mine. You will always be mine. I am teetering on the edge this week. I don't know why, but I am scared. I know when I fall this time it is going to be hard and fast. And, debilitating. I need it, I know I need to fall sometimes. But, this time feels different. I'm scared. I just miss you so much that it's too much to feel sometimes. I know you want me to work towards being less angry and sad and bitter. But, you have to give me time to get there. I need to take my time with this. I truly do not even have a time that I would like to have this accomplished by. I think one day, I will just wake up and feel a little bit lighter. But, at this point I am still so very very angry and filled with despair. And, just so sad. Unexplainably sad. I love you my sweet silly baby. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Fat. Baby.

Can we talk about how fat this baby was for a minute? 





She started out teeny tiny skinny. She was 3 weeks early, and weighed 6 pounds 9 oz, which was a pretty good weight. But, still over a pound smaller than Lyvi was when she was born. It didn't take her long to start filling out.






She is almost 3 weeks old in the first picture, a month old in the second and third ones, and 2 1/2 months old in the last one. She had such big cheeks. That belly. Soon after these pics her belly started thinning out and all the fat went to her butt and thighs.




2 months old in the first two, 3 months old in the third. Can you even handle the cuteness? I cannot. She held onto her fat belly for awhile actually. I thought she thinned out up top sooner, but I guess it must have been around 4 months.






A little over 3 months in these. Chunking right up. Her butt was starting to get to #datass level. 




4 months old in these. See how tiny her upper body was compared to that bottom half? My hell she was bottom heavy. I love her butt so much. Those thigh rolls. That last picture was such a weird angle, but it captured her huge thighs and butt so well.




Oh this fat baby. She was about 4 1/2 months old in the iconic UltraViolet picture. The second one as taken 5 days before she died. The last one was taken 3 days before she died. 3 days. Look at how strong she was. So fat. So strong. So loved. I'm missing her so much today. So much.

Hi baby girl. Today was one of those days where if I didn't leave the house I would have been a blubbering mess in The Chair all day. So, we left. All day. I found any excuse I could to not be home. I just couldn't stand being here without you. It isn't right. It doesn't feel right. And, somedays I can't stand it. So I leave. I got the dreaded Easter shopping done for Lyvi. You never got an Easter. I hate Easter. I am planning to bring you some Easter Lily's. I love you so much baby girl. I'm so sorry you never got an Easter. I was so excited to get you and Lyvi Easter dresses. It would have been so cute. I was going to get you a swimming suit like I have done for Lyvi every Easter. Can you imagine how obscene your legs and butt would have been in a swim suit. My hell. It would have been a sight to behold. I will never get over the fact that I never got to see you in a swimming suit. Ever. I love you so much my darling fat silly sweet little baby. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.









Sunday, April 13, 2014

Ramblings

I sat down not knowing if I had words tonight. I opened my Pandora, not thinking about anything in particular. The first song that comes on is "I Will Wait." Hey there my sweet girl. That's all I needed to tell me to sit here and write about her. 

There isn't a love song that isn't about her anymore. Everything is about her. Everything. I ache so deeply for her. There aren't sufficient words to explain the ache. It's so deep, so primal. My very existence aches. One just has to glance at me and they can see the ache. I may smile. I might laugh. I probably look ok from the outside, but when someone looks at me, really looks at me, they will see it. My eyes are deeper, sad. My posture is weak. I look like at any moment I am going to come apart at the seams. I look like I'm going to fizzle out at any second. I don't know how I haven't. I will never understand how I still wake up every morning. How long can someone live with this ache deep in their very essence? 

That's a rhetorical question. If I didn't die the second she did, then I'm not going to let this kill me. That would be the easy way out. That would be so disrespectful to my Violet. She doesn't get to live her life, so I have to live mine. I have to live everyday like it could be my last. I have to. I have to for her. 

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart. Every. Single. Song is about her. Every single one. It's like all these artists knew Violet was going to die, so they wrote all the songs about her. 

We got the panel for the cedar chest engraved finally. I will have to write more about that whole fiasco later on. It was a fucking joke, but it finally got done and it is beautiful and terrible.




That first picture is the Violet corner of our bedroom. There are only a couple things in the cedar chest so far, I am nowhere near ready to go through her things. We should be moving into our new home in a couple months, so the day for that is drawing near. I can't put everything away. I think I will always have some of her clothes hanging up, I will always have the purple monkey towel hanging in the bathroom, I will have pops of purple everywhere in the house. We are going to plant a beautiful purple tree (that I have yet to find, any tips would be great) in our yard for her. She doesn't get to live in our home anymore, but that doesn't mean she won't still be there. 

I'm all over the place tonight. My brain doesn't work like it used to. It is rewiring itself. Trying to learn how to keep my broken heart beating while never forgetting her. I think about her constantly, but I also have to think about other things. It's like I have 2 brains now. One that is completely dedicated to all things Violet, the other for everything else. So that I can always be thinking of her, while still being a semi-functioning human. 

I'm drawing from the energy of all the grieving mothers that ever were tonight. I can't imagine how this is really my life. I cannot imagine how I am never going to hold her again. It is unimaginable. Too painful to think about, it takes my breath away. It's a punch in the gut that could easily take my down to where I will never get up again. I know that isn't an option. I am not a coward and I would never do that to Violet. So, the only thing that keeps me standing most times is thinking of all the other mothers that have lost their beloved children. They kept going. Millions are still going. I have numerous blogs of grieving mothers pulled up on my phone all day long. When I feel the breath leaving my lungs, when I feel the punch to the gut, when I feel my knees start to quake and my heart start skipping beats, I pull one up. I read their words, I feel their pain, I see that they are still going. And, I take a breath. If they can do it, so can I. Keep fucking pushing.

I'm so rambly tonight my silly baby. I just let the words flow out tonight and this is what happened. A big jumble of words that I'm not even sure make any sense at all. But, nothing makes any sense anymore, so eh. At least I got some words out. Maybe I will be able to sleep a bit tonight. I wish I could hold you one more time. My arms are so empty. They need you. I need you. Good things have been happening, and I know it's all because of you. Thank you sweetheart. I miss you. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 






Friday, April 11, 2014

Double digits

70 days. 10 weeks. Double digit weeks. How can that be? I am 70 days into this life without her and it is even more wretchedly awful than anyone can imagine. The pain isn't dulling at all. It gets more intense everyday. Everyday it becomes more real. Each new day I realize all over again that I can never get her back. That this really did happen. I really did have the sweetest baby ever. I really did take care of her and love her more deeply than words can explain for 5 months 12 days. She really did get Influenza A. And she really did die. She is never coming back. I had her, but I don't have her anymore. I try not to get caught up in the what if's, because I know that won't bring her back and it only makes me hurt worse. I wish I could have kept her in me for a little longer. Even just another week, that would have changed everything. Maybe it would have changed the course of events that landed us at Target and Gordman's that day. I know it wasn't her strength that killed her. She was STRONG. So very very strong. That disgusting virus would have killed me and I'm a healthy almost 26 year old woman. She was strong enough to fight it off if she would have gotten the fucking chance. It just went too fast and too hard. She didn't have a chance. I just wish I could change one tiny little thing, and maybe just maybe she wouldn't have gotten the flu. She would still be here. I wouldn't be writing about how she has been dead for 70 days. My daughter is dead. And, there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I am helpless. I am like a fish out of water flopping all around trying desperately to find my way back into the ocean so I can breath. But, in my case that will never happen. I will never be able to take a full breath again. How can I when a piece of my soul is missing, bleeding, jagged. Fridays are awful. It's like salt is being poured into my wound. Another week without her is done. One week closer to when I can be done here and join her. One week closer to being able to go to the stars with my Sweet Violet. 


Stick close to me today please baby girl. Today is hard. I miss you so much. My arms feel so empty. My soul is hollow. My heart is shattered all over the floor. I think you have been sticking close to Lyvi, she talks about you randomly. It's almost like she is talking to you sometimes. I'm sorry this happened to you sweetheart. I am so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you more than I could ever explain. Please stay close to me today and everyday. Wait for  me, let's go to the stars.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

She is supposed to be here. She is gone.

Violet is really gone. This hits me every single day. I wake up and realize I am still clutching her blanket. She still isn't here. She never will be again. Ever. She's the first thought I have when I wake up and the last one I have when I go to bed. I am never not thinking of her. I am always thinking about what she would be doing now if she was still here. Rich, Lyvi, an dI have been going on bike rides lately. We pull Lyv in a bike trailer, and all I think about is how much Violet would have hated it. She would have been just crazy in it. She would pull Lyvi's hair, scream, whine, try her hardest to get out of it. She would have hated it. We probably only would have taken her a couple times before deciding it wasn't worth it. We went to the park with Shay and her cute kiddos the other day and all I could think about was pushing Violet in the baby swing. I was so excited to push her in a swing. I think she would have loved it. She was a daredevil already. How disgusting is it that she never got to sit in a swing at the park. Disgusting. I desperately wanted to be sitting with her in the sand, as she tried to eat it. She was such a mouthy baby I know she would have gotten at least a couple handfuls in her mouth. But, she never got the chance to try. We got ice cream cones afterwards and all I wanted to do was put a teeny tiny taste on Vi's tongue and see her make a silly face. She never got to taste ice cream. Instead of riding in a bike trailer, swinging, and tasting ice cream she is dead. She is gone and I will never get her back. 

She's gone, but I feel her still. I can feel her sweet energy with me. I don't know what happens after someone dies. I don't have any sort of faith. I struggle daily, and my beliefs change daily. But, last weekend I was shaken. I'm sure you've all noticed I have been closing my posts with "Wait for me, lets go to the stars," lately. I say it to her constantly in my head. Lyvi and I went to breakfast with my sister and her family one morning last weekend (or the weekend before... I truly have no idea when this happened, as time makes no sense to me anymore)  Rich was out of town. On the way there the Mumford and Son's song "I will wait" was on the radio. I didn't think anything of it, I love that song and have heard it a million times. After breakfast I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (they have the cutest things to put on graves, in case you were wondering) and when I turned the car on "I will wait" was on again. Odd. But, it's a popular song. I mindlessly changed the station and "I will wait" was on that station too. That's when it hit me. That's when I felt her. It was like an epiphany. She's waiting for me. She's with me, and she's waiting for me. I cried so much. I heard that song at least 3 more times that day. And, I haven't heard it once since then.   





How is she gone? She was so perfect. So healthy. Never ever sick. She. Was. Perfect. I really don't understand. I just don't understand. I want her back. I need her back. I need to hold her. I need to watch her grow up. She is supposed to be here fighting sleep, crawling, pulling up, eating solids, nursing, bugging her big sister, playing, causing ultraviolet havoc, cutting teeth, enjoying the beautiful weather, going on walks, playing at the park, "helping" me pack for our new house, having pictures taken in the orchard like Lyvi's at 9 months, swimming this summer, camping, learning to walk, turning one. She's supposed to be here growing up. She's supposed to be here. I will never get past this feeling. I will never be one of those people who comes to understand and accept their child's death. There is nothing wrong with those people, I wish I could be one of them. I'm just not one of them. I never will be. I will always know she is supposed to be here. I will always think of her and what she would be doing if she was still here. She is supposed to be here. 

I hate that Lyvi doesn't get to take baths with her sister anymore.
I miss her
You are supposed to be here baby girl. I don't care what anyone says, I don't care that I always knew in my heart of hearts that I would lose you. It doesn't mean you aren't supposed to be here. You should be here growing up and causing trouble. I want nothing more than to see you grow up. A baby. A toddler. A kid. A tween. A teen. A young woman. A woman. That's all I want. Just you. I just want you. I need you. I need you back. I don't understand any of this. I am so sorry my silly baby. I miss you so much. I'm trying to stay present. I am trying to remember all the good things we still have. We still have your big sister. But, we don't have you. She doesn't have her baby sister anymore. No matter what we will never be complete. I am really trying not to let that consume me. I am trying. I am pushing. I just miss you. I love you sweet Violet. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. 



I want to nurse her again so bad.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

This is my life?

I haven't written in awhile. I just haven't had the energy. I've been too sad. I'm always sad, but the past few days have been hard. Just hard. I have had some distractions to keep myself standing. Lots of time with my family. Lots of talking about Violet. Lots of loving on Lyvi. But, everything always has an undertone of sadness. It's just been a hard few days. I  worked on Thursday and was teetering on the edge all day. I was so anxious because Violet's grave had nothing on it for the first time because lawn maintenance started. We have to clean her grave off every Wednesday night, and can bring everything back after 5 on Thursdays. It made me so anxious that she had nothing on her grave, it's the only way I can take care of her anymore. Making sure her grave looks pretty. So that whenever anyone is at the graveyard they will know how loved my Violet is. She is so loved. I stopped by her grave on my way home Thursday evening. I think it was my first time there alone. It is still so hard to see my babies name etched in stone. I put a cute metal easter egg there, it was the only thing I had in my car. I cried. I talked to her. I told her how sorry I am. I cried. Then I had to pull myself together so I could go home and see my Lyvi-Loo. When I got home there was a package waiting for me. I looked at the name on it and knew immediately it was going to send me over the edge. It was from my Due Date Club moms. I opened it, it was a box full of cards from them all. So thoughtful and so sweet. I love those ladies. I had a good long cry sesh. I so needed it. 

I still just cannot believe that this is my life. I received a box full of heartfelt cards from some amazing women because my daughter died. I watched Violet die 2 months ago. My daughter is a statistic. A sad sad statistic. She got Influenza A and it killed her. We had to plan her funeral. We had to figure out where to bury her. We are a family of 4, but only 3 of us are here. I just don't understand. I hate that my daughter is a statistic. When the report of deaths from the flu in 2014 is made next year, she will be on it. She will be one more person on that list. Just another baby that died. But she isn't just another baby. She is MY baby. She is my Violet. She should be here. She shouldn't have died from the fucking flu. It is such bad luck that she got the flu. How does that even happen? This doesn't really happen to people. I hate everything about this. Everything. I hate thinking about the rest of my life without her. I hate watching my family grieve for her. I hate trying desperately to keep her memory alive in Lyvi's little brain. I hate thinking about her body forever being in that tiny casket 6 feet in the cold hard ground. I hate my tattoo for her, I hate all the tattoos I have planned because she died. I just hate this. I love her. I love all the memories I have of her. I love the 5 months 12 days I had with her, I wouldn't trade those days for anything. I love that I am her mama, I love that she is forever mine. I love so much, but I hate everything about my life now. I miss her. I miss my old life. I want to be naive. I want to think that nothing bad happens. I want Violet back. I want to watch her grow up. I want to see her turn into an amazing beautiful strong woman. I want her to hold my hand when I die, I want her to grieve my death. This is against nature. You aren't supposed to outlive your children. I hate that no matter what happens in my life from here I will never be fulfilled. I might be happy again someday, but not fully. Never again will I be a truly happy person, and I hate that. I will never again be the Michelle I was before January 31st 2014, that Michelle died with Violet. That Michelle is gone.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days sweet girl. You know you are in every thought I have. I just haven't had the energy to write my feelings down. I've just been too sad to sit and think. This house is so sad without you. It is heavy. It is so hard to be here still. You are missing. I can't wait to move, but I am terrified to leave the last place you were ever alive and well. I am terrified to pack up your things. I don't know what to expect when I have to finally do that. I don't know if it will be healing, or if it will break me. I don't know. I know we have to get out of here though. Lily won't even come downstairs anymore. She knows it's sad down here. She actually did come down with us tonight though. I was getting Lyvi in her jammies and holding back my tears as I stared at your crib full of your things. Lily came in, laid next to me, and put her head on my foot. She stayed there staring at your crib with me for a long time. You had just started to notice Lily, I have pictures and a video of you tugging on her ears just 11 days before you were gone. She's sad. She misses you. She sticks to me like glue when I am having harder than normal days. She sat curled up next to me for those first 2 weeks in The Chair. She's such a good dog. 





Sad eyes tonight.


I miss you baby girl. So much. I just need you back, and since I can't have that I just want to get through this life without you. I will try to enjoy it. I will try to see the good things I still have. I really will. I will try to be more positive someday. Not yet though, this is all way too fresh. I love you Violet. I miss you. I love you I love you I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Missing her

I miss her. 

Chillaxin'

Look at those eyebrows. She was just about 3 months old here.

Wearing her Smee (think Peter Pan) shirt. One of my very favorite shirts she had.

 ♫     Fat baby in a little stroller     
That smirk. All that dark hair coming in.

Look at those beautiful eyes.
So happy. She was such a goober.

One of my all time favorites. This night was so amazing, Just me and my girls hanging out watching movies. It will forever be one of the best nights of my life.

This is from that same night. It is one of my very favorite pictures. I miss this so much. Just me and my girls.
I love this video. Its nothing special, just Violet being her crazy self. I miss my UltraViolet. So much.


Hi sweetie pie. I miss you extra the last few days. I have been trying to keep myself busy because of this. I have to keep moving so that I don't break. If I have enough to do to fill up my day, I seem to be able to get through it faster. One more day closer to being with you again. I miss you my Sweet Fat Violetta. I love you. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. 

April Fools

Today is 2 months since Violet died. 2 full months without her. How has it already been 2 months? It feels like just yesterday that she was here, happy and healthy. But, it feels like a lifetime since she died. Time makes no sense anymore. I just want to get through my day, but I don't want to at the same time. Every day forward is a day farther away from her. How has it been 2 months since I kissed her? This is my life now. And, it fucking sucks. Not everything about my life sucks. I have Lyvi and Rich, my whole family, friends. I do love my life, but I hate my life. I hate this life that I have to live without Violet. It's like I'm walking around with one leg. Just limping along, trying not to fall down. My entire life is an April Fools joke. It's like the universe is playing one huge joke on me. Not the Violet dying part, the I thought I could live the perfect ideal life part. Here I was just going along, happy as can be. I had my husband, my 2 beautiful girls, I couldn't have been happier. I had everything I could have ever wanted. I was happy. SO happy. And, then the universe just decided it would be fun to screw with me. One big huge cruel fucking April Fools joke. Oh, you thought you could be happy? You thought you could live the ideal life, raise 2 beautiful girls, watch them grow into amazing women? Haha, yeah no. I'll just go ahead and kill one of them, that'll be funny. That'll teach you a lesson. I'll just snatch that new fresh one right back up, yep give me that sweet one right there. This is how I feel. My entire life is a joke. 

This is all I have tonight. Since the last post I just haven't had the energy to write much. I am just so sad, and I'm bottling it up. Holding it in. I know it isn't healthy, I know it makes the breakdowns harder. But, it's the only way I can get through the days. I just hate this so much. I will never get used to it. It will never get easier. I still cannot even fathom the rest of my life without her. I cannot. It feels like this must end at some point, she will come back at some point. She has to. 

Hi baby girl. I hate that I haven't had it in me to write to you for a couple days. I miss you so much, but you know that. Just because I don't write you here doesn't mean I don't think about you constantly. I know you know that. I hate this so much. Do you hate it? I think you do too. All you ever wanted was to be with me, and now you can never be with me again. I am sure you hate that, but I do hope that you aren't as mad and sad as me. I know there isn't a reason for all of this, I know it is all just a sick twisted joke, but I do hope you are ok. I don't want you to be mad and sad. I want you to be happy and feisty. I love you so much my Sweet Violet. Meg and Misty got you a star. I love that so much. We are all star stuff. I am so sorry baby girl. I love you, I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.