Saturday, September 27, 2014

You know what's hard?

You know what's  hard? My baby died. That's really hard to handle. Not just hard, but damn near impossible somedays. My child. The love of my life. My baby. The one job I had was to keep her safe, and I failed in the worst possible way. She didn't just break Her arm, lose a leg, get a brain injury. She died. She's dead. My baby died. And there is nothing I can do to change it. When you actually stop and think about that, it's fucking impossible to comprehend. Fucking impossible. 

I'm sorry baby girl. I miss you something fierce today. I'm so sorry. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Friday, September 19, 2014

Always almost perfect

I am having a helluva month. I cannot get through a day without a major meltdown. Body shaking sobs type meltdown. I don't know why. There aren't any triggers. I am just sad. I'm sad that everything has an undertone of sadness. No matter how happy a moment is, the sadness is always there. We were sitting on the couch last night, me, Rich, Lyvi, and even Lily. Just sitting there talking, and Rich said "Almost perfect." Always almost perfect. Forever. It will only ever be almost perfect. Even if we have another child. Only ever almost perfect. That is so hard to swallow. So hard to accept. I will never have the life that I want. I knew this the moment she died, but I think I pushed everything down. It's all bubbling up lately. I can't hold it back anymore. I get those gut punching double me over reminders from everything and nothing all at the same time. I can be wiping my counters down or walking into a store or painting a bottle or putting laundry away, and with no warning at all I am doubled over sobbing. My poor Lyvi-Loo. She is such a sweet girl. She comes up to me and just hugs me as hard as she can when this happens. She just wants her mama to be happy. She knows I miss Vi and that's why I'm crying. She will tell me it's ok, and hand me a baby. Oh sweet girl. I wish it were that easy. I just don't know how to handle the day to day anymore. I am feeling so overwhelmed with life. I want an escape. But, that's not fair. Why should I get to escape? Rich doesn't get to escape. Lyvi doesn't get to escape. No one gets to escape this. There is no escape from this. Ouch. That realization is hard. I will never escape this, as long as I'm living I will never escape this. I'm so tired. Exhausted to my bones. Maybe if I could just sleep for a full 24 hours I would feel a little refreshed and more capable of handling the monotony of the day. Probably not. But, maybe.

My girl. My sweet girl. I miss you. That's all. I just miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Too fast

I hate that life is moving forward. Moving on without her. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Bills need to be paid. The house needs to be cleaned. Lyvi needs to be cared for. Rich has to work. I have to work. Everything around me is moving at hyper speed and I am struggling to keep up. I have all these plans to keep up. I'll clean the house today. I'll play with Lyv. I'll spend time with Rich. I'll make dinner. I'll research a job I'm interested in. I can't possibly do all of these things while still struggling with even understanding what happened 7 months ago. I can't keep up. I am flailing. I just want everything to slow down for a minute or two. I know it's been 7 months, I should be able to start keeping up about now. I was doing really well with everything for a little bit. But, this week has been a struggle. I don't know how the days keep passing. Time is moving so fast. I just need it to slow down. I know it isn't healthy for me to just sit for days on end, I won't let myself do that often. But, once in awhile I think I need it. If I could just find the time to sit and be with my grief for a day maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed? I doubt it. And, I doubt I would even be able to sit for more than a couple hours without feeling guilty about everything that needs to be done. I'm lost still. I can't see forward anymore. I don't know what I want for the future. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to think of a future without Violet, and that's the only future I get. I don't want a future without her. I want a future with her. I know that isn't an option, but I will never stop wishing. Even if we get to have another baby someday, I know I will always wish it was different. Wish that I still had her. Wish that I had all of my children with me. This is getting more and more complex, this grief. I'm stuck in 2 worlds. It's exhausting. 

My amazing Lyvi-loo loves babies so much. She wants a baby so bad. She is forever asking to go get Baby Vi back. I gently explain to her each time that Violet died and we can never get her back, then almost always without fail a lightbulb clicks and she says, "Oh, Baby Vi died, so we get a new baby!" Heartbreaking. I don't know what to say to her. If only it was that easy, to just get a new baby. I wish a new baby would fix everything. I'm terrified to have another baby. I don't want to put any expectations on a new little being. I want to feel ready to welcome a new baby for whatever that little person may bring. I don't want a new baby to grow up in the shadow of their dead big sister. That isn't fair. I know for Lyvi a new baby would help her, it would help her see that good things still happen after bad things. It would help her be the big sister that she already is without her little sister here anymore. I know she needs a baby. I wish I could give her one right now. But, unfortunately life is still moving forward. We have this big beautiful home that so needs a baby, but we have to adjust to all the new expenses. And, that doesn't happen overnight. Plus, I'm a terrible pregnant person in the best of circumstances. I'm honestly terrified that I will end up in a padded room if I were to get pregnant soon. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any plans. I don't want to think about the future. I just want everything to stop for a minute. I just need to slow down and be with my grief. But, at the same time that hurts so much. It just hurts. I know the longer I avoid getting in touch with the pain the more it will hurt when I do go there. The act of sitting here writing all of this down helps. I need to start writing more often again. It makes me touch on where I'm at. It's just so hard to do, because it hurts so much. 

Oh baby girl. My baby girl. This isn't getting any easier. I hate it. We went to a beautiful wedding yesterday and the whole time I was getting ready all I could think about is how much harder it should have been to get ready. I should have had you running around being a little shit. We should have been late to the wedding. I should have had to walk out during the ceremony because you were growling and being your crazy loud self. I still feel naked out in public. I still wonder if people can tell that I am missing a huge chunk of myself. I keep myself together pretty well in public now, but you are never far from my mind. Lyvi was playing with a cute little baby girl and all I could think about was how that should be you. I will never understand this. I miss you. I miss you so much. I can't breathe today. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Highs and Lows

Wow. It's been almost 4 weeks since I have written here. I don't know why it's been so long. I've been trying to live my life like I declared in my last post. It's hard. Really hard. In these almost 4 weeks I have felt happier than I have since Vi died. But, I have also had some of my lowest lows in a long time. I have enjoyed life, for the most part. I have been driven to near insanity by my amazing majestic joyous Lyvi-loo. I have loved spending time with Rich. I've even spent quality time with our dog Lily. It has been, dare I say it... good. Almost more good than bad. Almost. These lows are hard. And, more often than not lately they hit with little to no warning. All of a sudden I can't breathe. I can't talk. I'm just sobbing. Out of nowhere. While driving. Or showering. Or cooking. Or watching a TV show. Or, I am just mad. Just pissed off at everything and nothing. I snap at Rich and lose my temper with Lyvi over nothing. It's so hard to feel like a failure of a mother when the only thing I want in the whole world is to mother both of my children. I only have one here. I shouldn't ever lose my temper or need a moment alone. At least that's what I tell myself. I know it isn't true. I am only human. I can only take so much, probably less than most people. I just wish this wasn't my life. Still. Always. 

Oh my girl. My sweet girl. You know. You know where I'm at and how I am truly doing. I'm trying so so hard for you. I'm trying. I hope that by writing all of this out I'll be able to put my big girl panties on and get through another day without you. I love you. I miss you. Oh god I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.