Saturday, March 29, 2014

Let me wake up

You're telling me I can never hold her again? I can never kiss her face? I can never tickle her neck? I can never bite her toes. NO! no. Absolutely not. No. This cannot be real. She will be here tomorrow. She didn't die. The fucking flu didn't kill her. I didn't do everything I could to keep her in me until 37 weeks, just to have her snatched away at the ripe age of 5 months and 12 days. I didn't watch her die. This is all a bad dream. I am stuck in a dream. I have some crazy secret that some high power agency wants so they went all inception on my ass and are holding me hostage in the worst dream anyone could think up. I give up! Take it. Take whatever the fuck it is in my brain that you need. I GIVE UP. Just let me wake up. Please. Let me wake up. Let me wake up. Please. 

This video was taken 3 days before she died. 3 days. This baby doesn't have the flu. She is fine. Perfect. Healthy. Trying to crawl and being feisty. I watch these videos and I want to die. How did I not know that 3 days later she would die? How could I be so naive? How did I not know I only had 3 more fucking days with her? How did I not hold her and kiss her and never ever ever ever put her down in those last 72 hours? I barely did, since she was always on my person normally. But how did I not know? How did I not know that she was going to die, truly and cruelly die, 72 fucking hours after this video? How? Why? Fuck this world. How am I supposed to raise my beautiful Lyvi-Loo in this fucked up world? How am I supposed to teach her to love and be happy and live and trust, when 72 hours after I recorded her amazing little sister in this video, she was dead. Gone. Just gone. How do I teach her to live, when I don't believe in a fucking thing anymore. I don't need help. I don't need saving. I need Violet. I need my Violet. My Violet that I worked so hard to get. My Violet that I tried so hard to keep healthy and growing. My Violet that I cherished and loved for every second that I had her. My Violet that I love more every second that I am alive. My Violet, my Sweet Violet. Why her? Why me? Why do I have to live in this purgatory? Why does everyone else get to keep their babies? Why do they get to kiss and hold and nurse their babies, while all I get to do is watch videos of mine and try to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart? Why didn't I die? Why couldn't I give my life for hers? Why couldn't I give her my heart and lungs and immune system? Why didn't I make her strong enough to fight the fucking flu? What did I do wrong? Why didn't I make her strong enough? Why wasn't my milk enough? Why wasn't my love enough? I just don't understand. Yes, these are ramblings of a broken person. Yes I said I want to write more about who she was, not just about her death. I will try to do that, but tonight I am broken. I broke. I listen to her sweet little voice and her crazy little growls and I break into a million more pieces. I didn't put headbands and bows on Vi that much, I had the sense to know what was important. Call it mother's intuition or convenience, but either way I just didn't. I see these people using their sweet innocent babies to further themselves and to make themselves look good and I want to puke. Do you not know you child could die tomorrow? Do you not realize that nothing is promised? Fuck the hair bows and uncomfortable clothes. Pick up your baby, Love that baby. Cuddle that baby. Smell that baby. Examine every detail because nothing is promised. Yes I put bows on Vi and Lyvi. yes I loved to doll them up and yes I still love to doll Lyvi up. But, after something like this you really realize what is important. I am so glad that I cared more about holding and kissing and cuddling Violet than I did about taking one million pictures of her in a huge fucking bow and ridiculous outfit and spending countless hours making sure she won some stupid contest. I would never forgive myself if I did that. But, she never would have gone for that. Ever. She knew what she wanted and she got it. I gave my all for that sweet baby girl and I would give my life for hers, but there is no rhyme or reason to this world. #fuckeverythingandeatpizza.

Oh my sweet girl. I am a fucking disaster tonight. A mess. Just a hot mess. I miss you. I love you. I need to go lay down and drown in my tears. And listen to your sister breath because she needs me. I love you. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. I hope you are warm. I love you. I'm sorry. Goodnight my fat baby. 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

This baby

This. baby. Look at this baby.

Let me tell you a little bit about this baby. This baby is my missing piece. I loved her before I had her. The second I got a positive pregnancy test she had my heart. The second I saw her beautiful face my soul went "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you." The second she was placed in my arms I knew she was special. Her body was molded to my arms. She fit there perfectly. She didn't want to be anywhere else right from the start. All the nurses tried to make me lay her down so I could get some sleep, but there was no way. Neither of us were having any of that. One nice nurse even came in, got her wrapped up nice and tight and sleeping, laid her in the bassinet and left. Within 5 minutes my strong headed 5 hour old baby was crying. She wouldn't sleep anywhere but on my person. She took right to nursing and was such a champ. We didn't have any issues with breast feeding at all. She was a natural, and I am so lucky. Her little tummy was an asshole and caused her quite a bit of discomfort for a couple months. I am so glad I was able to nurse her, I can't imagine the havoc formula would have caused her poor little tummy. (Not that formula is bad, I just know Vi wouldn't have tolerated it.)
My girl pissed from a tummy ache and gas drops
So calm after the drops kicked in.
She had everyone's hearts the second they saw her. I had a C-section so I wasn't able to hold her right away, but Rich took her back in the hospital room with my family. He wouldn't let anyone hold her. She had him immediately. 

She had a way of grabbing onto your heart and not letting go. She would look at you with those big green eyes, and she had you. I remember one random night I had to go over to my sister Lisa's house. Violet was little, maybe a month old. I took her with me, I can count on one hand how many times I left her anywhere. Anyways, we were just talking. I was telling her about Vi's poor tummy and how grumpy she had been lately. And Lisa just said, "But she is so sweet. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just so sweet." It is so true. There was something about that little babe. She was just the sweetest damn thing that has ever been on this Earth. She radiated sweetness. Even when she was being UltraViolet, she was still just the sweetest thing. She could be screaming for hours, but then when she finally gave in and went to sleep I would just stare at her. I would watch her breath, I would smell her, kiss her, love on her. She was just so sweet. I try to think of what she would have been like as a toddler, a kid, a tween, a teenager, an adult and my shattered heart breaks some more. I know she would have been such an amazing person. She would have done great things. She would have been kind and generous and loving. Even at 5 months old she loved fiercely and completely. She wasn't afraid to let you know how she felt. If she wasn't happy you knew it. If she was pissed off, oh you knew it. That mixed with her sweetness would have taken her places. She would have done so much. She should have done so much. This world is a far far worse place without my Violetta.

She was absolutely delicious. Those cheeks. That belly. Those damn eyebrows. Her dark fuzzy hair. She smelled so good, so sweet. Those thighs. That butt. DAT ASS. We were justifiably worried for her teenage years with that rear end. We were in so much trouble with this one. She was just beautiful, with the personality to go with it. She had the best qualities of Rich and I packed into that tiny fat little body. Feisty and strong headed like her daddy. Stubborn and content like me. Sweet and amazing like Lyvi. Even with all the traits she got from us, she was still her very own little person. She was just amazing. UltraViolet. No one else can ever compare. I don't know how one person can be so lucky to have gotten this sweet Violet, and then so incredibly unlucky to have her ripped away in just 5 months 12 days. I had the best luck to have gotten her at all. But, I lost her. I don't get to ever have her again. Lady Luck obviously isn't on my side anymore, I must have done something to piss her off. You can take your luck and shove it straight up your ass, Lady Luck. Bitch.


In short, I miss her. Desperately. Madly. Irrevocably. She was the most amazing spirited little girl. I am so lucky to have gotten her at all, but so beyond unlucky to have lost her. I want to try to start writing more about the time we had with her. It's hard to do that when I am overwhelmed with the sadness and trauma of what happened to her. But, I need to remember her. She deserves to be remembered for the happy, fierce, feisty, stubborn, strong-headed, sweet, beautiful, amazing UltraViolet that she was. I miss her.

My Violet. I miss you. 8 weeks tomorrow. 8 weeks ago right now you were getting uncomfortable and breathing weird. 8. weeks. It has been 8 weeks without you. It feels like just yesterday, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm still really struggling with exactly what I believe. All I know is that I believe in you. Thank you for visiting Lyvi in her dreams last night. She woke me up at 4:30 this morning and asked to look at pictures of you. She has never done that. She only ever asks to look at pictures of you before bed. I asked her when we got up a few hours later if she dreamt about you. She told me yes. This is how our conversation went, "Did you dream about Baby Vi last night."
"Mmmm hmmm"
"Was she happy?"
"Is she ok?"
"What did Baby Vi tell you?"
She didn't say anything, she just patted her heart,
"She told you she's in your heart?"
Tears. This makes me cry so much. I don't know what I believe. But, Lyvi has never told me about a dream before. She has never woken up at dawn and asked to look at pictures of you. I think you visited her. Thank you so much for that. I wish you would visit me, but I think until I can sleep without sleeping pills that isn't going to happen. I love you my darling girl. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry you got dealt such a shitty hand. I miss you. Thank you for all the good that's been happening to us lately. I know none of it would happen without you. I love you. I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. Goodnight my sweet girl. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm not alone

The thought of living the rest of my life with Violet is so physically painful that I rarely go there. My body cannot take the thought of it. I have a very physical reaction. Heart racing. Sweating. Hyperventilating. Almost throwing up. Pounding headache. I cannot handle the thought of it. So, I try not to think that far ahead very often. But, sometimes my mind wanders there without being able to stop it. Usually when it's quiet. When I'm alone. When I'm driving. So, I try to prevent these moments. I watch stupid TV at night. I blast music or talk to Lyvi while I'm driving. I try not to be alone ever. But, sometimes it can't be prevented. I started a little job yesterday. It helped to get out and do something. On the way home my mind wandered. I started getting panicky, which isn't a good combination while driving. I tried to calm myself down. It wasn't working. My whole life. Every single second that I live will be without Violet. Forever. No more Violetta Villalobos. Ever. If I'm alive in 20 years she still won't be here. This is the cycle of panic. It is paralyzing. It incapacitates me. I can't think. I can't breath. How am I supposed to do this. Why would I even try? What's the fucking point of this life anymore? Lyvi. Rich. My family. My friends. Violet. Even though she isn't alive anymore I have to live for her. I have to. She didn't get to live so I have to. I have to. I don't have choice. If I die tomorrow at least I know I tried to keep living for Violet. Always for Violet. The cycle goes like this. I know I have to be here, but I don't know if I can do it. I truly do not know how to get through each day, let alone the rest of my life. These are the thoughts that crowded my mind on my drive home. I ended up at a long stop light so I pulled out my phone (bad I know, I put it away before I started driving again.) and checked my email. There were a couple emails from the MISS forums, an email from a new friend who is also in this horrible life, and I took a breath. I'm not alone. Even though in this moment it feels like I am the only person who has lost their soul mate, the only mother who is grieving the loss of their beloved daughter. I'm not alone. I'm not the only person expected to live the rest of their life with this searing pain. There are others out there, like me, going through this cycle in their heads over and over. Trying to figure out how to live. Trying to figure out what the purpose is anymore. I'm not alone. A few weeks back a friend from my mothering group wrote me. She isn't on our Facebook group so she wasn't aware of Violet's death for a few weeks. Needless to say she was shocked and distressed. She said something to me that resonated. I'll paste it here. 

There is only knowing that you are not alone, there is a vast sea of other women since the dawn of humanity and even alive on the earth today who have also had to find a way to keep going after the loss of a child.  Try to close your eyes and imagine their collective strength out there in the ether as an intangible source of power you can tap into to help prop you up....the strength of millions of women who have somehow coped with enduring any mother's worst nightmare, and the power of finding a way to not dissolve into the wind from the total incapacitating pain of it.

And, I'm a sobbing mess. I haven't read that in a few weeks. It brings me such comfort. To think of all the energy of all the women who, like me, lost their precious innocent child since the dawn of time surrounding me in their warmth. Holding me up. Breathing life back into me. Helping me to be open to feel my Violet. When I don't think I can go on anymore, I think of them. And, I take a breath. I ask them to help me keep pushing. Keep fucking pushing. I truly can feel all their warmth and energy with me. I can feel them telling me it's not ok. It will never be easy, or get better, they know this. Better than anyone else. All of their energy helping me navigate these treacherous waters. Maybe one day I can help hold another grieving mother up. That's the only good that could ever come from this. I want to be able to help someone else keep pushing. One day. Not yet, I can't even handle my own grief. But, one day I would like to be able to hold someone else up. One day, I'd like to be able to tell another grieving mother that she isn't alone.

Hi baby girl. I miss you so much. The thought of this life without you is so unappealing. Why would I want to live any amount of time without you? I don't. I would rather curl up and die. I know I can't. I know you wouldn't want me to do that. I know Lyvi and your daddy need me. I know. I just don't want to do it. I will. I will try my hardest. I will put on my good mom hat and be here for Lyvi. I will do what I have to do, and I will do it for you. Always for you my sweet darling Violetta. Keep pushing me. I can't do it without you. I love you my fat baby. I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

So, I'm going to start adding videos on here. My awesome brother helped me figure out how to use this damn computer and get them uploaded onto youtube since the blogger video upload is not great. Here are a couple videos of Vi and Rich. They used to have these grunting battles back and forth, we tried to get it on video and never really did. She does grunt a little bit in these videos, but not as much as they usually did when their grunt battles got going. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The ugliest thing I have ever seen

I visit Violet's grave every few days. It's not easy to go there, so I don't go daily. I really just go whenever I feel the urge. I felt the urge strong today. I was being pulled there. So, after I ran a few errands with Lyvi we drove over to the cemetery. Her plot is relatively close to where we park, so I can see it as soon as I pull up. It's the most decorated one there. Always will be. I knew they were laying headstones the last couple of weeks, but I didn't expect Vi's to be there for at least a few more weeks. I figured by Memorial Day it would be there. I was wrong. As I pulled up I saw it. I instantly knew her headstone was there. I don't know when they laid it, it could have been there for a few days. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't expect the instant panic. I panicked. Heart racing. Sweating. Nauseous. My daughter has a headstone. I called Angie, then texted Lisa and my Mom. Angie, my mom, dad, and grandma all headed over. Lisa visited a little while later with all her kids. The girls put flowers around the headstone, one of them left a sweet little pearl hairclip. Such sweet girls. It took all my strength to walk from the car to her grave. I was not ok. My shit was not together. I try to keep myself together when Lyvi is with me, but I couldn't today. I cried hard walking over. I saw it. I collapsed. I heaved and sobbed. I rubbed her name. Her beautiful name. The name Rich and I picked for her to grow up with. The name I imagined on a business card of a powerful woman. The name I knew was hers, the instant I said it. My Violet. My sweet Violet. I told her I am so sorry, over and over again. I am so sorry Violet. I am so sorry you have a headstone. I read the saying we put on it. "Our Baby, Our Violetta Villalobos." My Violetta Villalobos. There are a lot of baby graves in the cemetery, too many. But, all their headstones are little. I like that my Violet's headstone isn't little. If she has to have a headstone she deserves a big beautiful one. She shouldn't have a headstone. She should have new toys, new shoes, a new swimsuit, new headbands. Not a new headstone.

 Lyvi normally played in the dirt on Vi's grave and then would run around and play. Try to steal flowers and pinwheels from other graves. Sing, dance, and just be a crazy toddler. Not today. She knew today was different. She sat next to me and touched Vi's headstone. She was quiet. She let me cry. She was sad. She could tell something was different now. It's so final. Violet's grave looks like all the other people's graves there. I don't think she really understands what a graveyard is, but she knows that Violet's grave is significant now. Before, it was just a place we would go, she'd play in the dirt, and then run around. Now there is no dirt. Her sister has a headstone. It is final. Permanent. Written in stone. Rich left for Alaska today, so I snapped a picture and sent it to him. What a terrible picture to have to send to your husband. He told me he was mid-sentence when the picture popped up and he stopped talking. It took his breath away. I'm glad her spot is marked, I'm glad it's not just a small patch of dirt anymore. But, I hate it. I despise it. It is a beautiful headstone, but it is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

I'm so sorry you have a headstone baby girl. It is not right. I am so sorry. Thank you for looking out for me. You are so amazing. As I was leaving the cemetery I pulled out my phone and checked my email. My friend Stef emailed me. She just said she was thinking of us all and sending her love. She sent it almost exactly to the minute that I pulled up to the cemetery. I emailed her back to tell her how weird it is that she sent that email right then, when I needed a friend most. She said she was overwhelmed with sadness suddenly and needed to email me. She felt you. I 100% believe you are all around, especially when I need you to be. Thank you so much for that my love bucket. Keep close to your daddy, I know it's hard for him to be away. Keep a close on your sister, she's got a nasty cold. It's making me very very nervous. I don't think I will ever look at a cold as anything normal and trivial. One sniffle and I am terrified she's going to die. So, keep close to her if you can. I love you baby girl. I'm so sorry for everything. I hope you are warm. I need to go watch your sister breathe, so I gotta go. Goodnight my sweet Violet.

For just a moment...

I woke up to her voice today. Her happy screams were coming from the front room. For a moment she was back. For a moment I forgot. For a moment all was right in the world. Then I remembered she died. But then, for a moment, I thought Rich went and got her back. Somehow pulled the right strings to get her back. Just for a moment. The next moment, reality hit me square in the gut. She isn't here. She never will be here again. Rich was just watching videos of her. Or, I was hearing things. But, for a moment she was here. I went back to sleep. How do you get out of bed when you woke up and believed that your baby was back where she is supposed to be? You don't. You close your eyes and let sleep take you away for a few more moments. That was the first time that's happened in awhile. In the first weeks I would wake up, panic while trying to feel for her next to me, then remember she died. That had stopped finally. I wake up sad with no motivation to get up, until Lyvi makes me. It's been awhile since I actually forgot that she really is gone. Lyvi is starting to get it, and it's breaking my already shattered heart. I think she just hit some developmental milestone. Her speech has skyrocketed the last week, and she's saying more about Violet. The other night we were watching videos of Violet when all of a sudden Lyvi got very very sad. She was kind of whining, but not her normal whining. She had tears in her eyes and said "I miss Baby Vi." That took a hammer to the shattered pieces of my heart. How do you live with your broken heart and your child's broken heart? I always thought she would be too young to have this really affect her in the long run. Now I'm not so sure. She misses Violet. A lot. We were watching videos again tonight (we do every night) and she got excited and said "Look! Baby Vi come back!!" I don't know why or what she really meant, so I just told her "No honey, baby Vi can't come back." She got sad and confused and said a few more times that she wants baby Vi to come back. #ouch. I think the only thing that might help Lyvi's broken heart is another sibling. Not that a new sibling would replace Violet in Lyvi's eyes. That's not the point at all. But, she needs to be able to grow up with a sibling. She should be growing up with Violet, and she's not. So, as a mother I feel like I need to give her another sibling. Someday. Not sure when. This has been heavy on my heart lately. I'm not ready to delve into details, but it's on mine and Rich's minds. 

I didn't try hard enough to take pictures of Lyvi and Vi together. I don't have nearly enough of them together, and I will never forgive myself for this. Ever. It was hard to get them both together, and not have one of them crying. I should have just taken pictures of them together regardless of moods. I do have quite a few of them together, but not as many as I should. I hate myself for this. Hate hate hate. Just add that to the endless list of guilt. I'm feeling sad and at a loss of words tonight. So I'll leave it here, with a bunch of pics. 

The day Vi was born, my last belly pic

This is the last picture I have of them together, it was a week before Violet died. I have some videos of them after this, but no more pictures of them together.

I can't leave here without talking to you baby girl. Where are you? I hate days that start out like today. When I forget you are gone. I hope your days aren't like that. You know I struggle with what I believe, but I do feel you. I believe in you. I know you are still around. At what level, I don't know. But, I do feel your strong feisty energy. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to get more pictures of you and Lyvi together. You were such a grumpy butt sometimes and Lyvi is a busy body 2 year old. I should have tried harder, that's not an excuse. I will never forgive myself for that. I have more then what I put here, but still. It will never be enough. I wish I could focus on all the happy memories I have of you. I am stuck in that hospital room still. Stuck watching you die. Stuck in the helicopter. Stuck sitting in that rocking chair holding your cold stiff dead body. I can't get those images out. It's a camera reel over and over and over and over. I don't want to remember you like that. I want to remember you as the beautiful vibrant strong healthy full-of-life baby you were. Even when you were dying you were so strong. If I would have known the outcome would be your death regardless of how hard you were fighting, I would have told you to go sooner so you didn't have to suffer like that. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I love you more everyday. Forever and ever. Let's go to the stars together. Wait for me. I love you, I hope you are warm. Goodnight my sweet fat fat baby. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

I am so pissed off today

I felt you so strong today baby girl. The strongest that I have ever felt you. I so needed that. I have been pissed off today. Just mad. At everything. At everyone. Except you, never you. I was struggling to rein it in and control myself, and then you were there with me. In the car. Pompeii started and I could feel you. I cried, but not hard. Just silent tears, because I knew you were there with me. Your daddy said something similar happened to him today too. We so need you to keep doing that. To stay with us, and let us know you're still around. I did let my anger get the best of me today, but I think sometimes I need to let that happen. It's not healthy to bottle it up. Yes, I may have taken it out the wrong way, but it made me feel something other than complete and total despair. I just miss you so much, and sometimes I need to let that anger out. Maybe next time I will just punch a pillow, scream, run, kick box, drive up into the mountains and just be quiet for awhile. Something. I have to let it out sometimes or it will eat me alive. I am so fucking pissed off that this happened to you, that I have to live the rest of my life without you. It isn't fair and it never should have happened. Someone said you were too perfect for this world. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! Yes, you were absolutely perfect. Complete and utter perfection, but that doesn't mean you should have died! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am still in complete shock that people think that would comfort a grieving mother. To tell them "because your child was too perfect, she died." What in the fuck kind of paint did you eat as a child to think saying that is ok? That's saying that Lyvi isn't as perfect as Violet, and that's why she's still alive? That's bullshit. Bullllll fucking shit. Lyvi is just as perfect as Violet was, and I am thankful every single second that she is still alive and well. Violet's death has nothing to do with how perfect she was. Nothing. I just cannot wrap my mind around this. Even if I was a religious person I don't see how that would be comforting. To be told that since God gave you this perfect child, he's going to kill her. Because she's too perfect. I'm not good enough to keep Violet? I didn't love her enough to be trusted with her perfect soul? It is such an ugly offensive thing to say to a person. Not only are you being completely disrespectful and minimizing the loss of Violet by saying that, but you are also saying I'm not a good enough mother to be able to keep Violet. You can kindly fuck off.

You should still be here my love. Don't listen to all these assholes saying it was your time and you were too perfect and you're in a better place. I know this pisses you off too. You had so much of me in you, so I know this shit makes you crazy too. That's why you played Pompeii for me in the car. I could feel you so strongly. I don't know if you were telling me to chill out, or that you were pissed too, or just letting me know you are here. But, whatever you were feeling it was strong. It seems to come in waves still, this grief. I bottle it up for a few days, then the sadness and despair hit, then I have a long hard ugly cry session, then I get so angry that I can't even see straight. Repeat. I know I can't go to the sad dark place every day, I wouldn't make it back. I would get lost. I would lose the tiny bit of myself that I still have. I feel guilty for not going there everyday. I want to be sad, I want to be in the dark place all the time. But, I know logically I can't do that. I have to be here, as much as I can be, for Lyvi. So, for now, this cycle seems to be getting me through the days. I know it hasn't fully hit me, the finality of this. That you really are not coming back. Ever. I haven't fully realized that yet. It has to come in small bits.  I would literally die if it hit all at once. That doesn't mean I don't think about you constantly, because I do. 100% of my brain is on you 99.9999999% of the time. That other tiny portion is for Lyvi and driving and such. You know, the things I have to do. If I had my way I would go to the dark place and never leave, until I died. That's the only thing that feels right. Well, right isn't the correct word. Appropriate, maybe? Nothing feels right. But, if I have to be here without you all I want to do is curl up and wait to die. I can't do that. It's not an option. I still wish everyday that I would have died with you. If you had to die, I should have died with you. Or, I should have been given the fucking choice to die instead of you. It seems like that should be an option. You and Lyv would still have your daddy, and your grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles. You would have been just fine without me. I am not just fine without you. No one is just fine without you. We never will be. Everything we do will always have a dark cloud around it. Nothing will ever be perfect again. And, I don't want it to be. I don't want to live a perfect life anymore. I want to live a life full of sadness, anger, confusion, healing, coping, and love. Mostly love I hope. Love is all there is in the end. Love and sadness. I miss you baby girl. So much it hurts everywhere all the time. Especially my heart. And my soul. I still try to trade my broken shattered soul for your life. I try every night. I will continue to try every night. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Visit me soon. In my dreams. Happy dreams please. No more zombie dreams with a touch of Violet. Just us, in a field of wild Violets. Playing, laughing, nursing, napping. Please visit me soon. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are warm.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Please come back.

I don't know what to say tonight. None of this can be real. I am living a nightmare. I miss her so much. I had her 7 months ago, yet she's gone already? I just don't understand any of this bullshit. I just don't understand.

There is no way that this is the baby that was in that horrific hospital room. There is no way she died. I look at these pictures and I am in utter confusion and disbelief. 

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
until the last of days

The sun is in the east,
rising for the beasts
and the beauties
if only I could tear it down,
plant it in the ground to warm your face

I built myself a castle on the beach
watching as it slid into the sea

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

-A Fine Frenzy

Come back now please Vi. This has gone on long enough. I need you to come back. Please baby girl, please come back to me. Thank you for the bumble bee today, but I need you back. I don't want to only be able to know you're with me because of a bumble bee. Just come back to me please. Please come back. Please. Please Violet. Please baby girl. Please come back. I can't do this without you. I can't be the mom I need to be to Lyvi, without you. I can't be me, without you. I can't be, without you. I need you back. Please come back. I love you my sweet girl. My love should have saved you. I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person, ever. But, it wasn't enough. Because you still died. I am so sorry. I am so so sorry that I didn't save you. Please forgive me, and come back to me. Please. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

March 19th is a bitch

She should be 7 months old tomorrow. 7 months old. She would have been so much fun as a 7 month old. She was SO much fun as a 5 month old, just imagine what 2 more months would have done for her. Her personality was already blossoming at just 5 months old. She was so fun. I remember just playing with her for as long as she wanted to. She was forever grabbing anything in her reach, and if she couldn't reach it she would scoot herself closer to it, roll to it, scream until I got it for her. She was so fiery. Feisty. Excitable. Full of life. She had so many toys already, but a few of her favorites were this little lamp her Aunt Lisa got her for Christmas, a little round rattle thing her Aunt Angie got her for christmas, a rattle with wooden rings on it, a plush square toys with lots of dangly things on it, Lyvi's hair, her daddy's face, my hands. Her binky, she was FOREVER taking that damn binky out of her mouth and chewing on it. She had started to put her feet in her mouth all the time.

All of those toys she only got to play with for a little over a month. 36 days to be exact. 36 days is all she got to play with all her new Christmas toys. 36 days. Disgusting. My parents got her this awesome toy that I was so excited for her to be able to play with. She didn't really ever get to play with it, it was more like a 12 month old toy, but I made her get it anyways because it is so amazing. She never got to play with it. She got a beautiful purple Minky Couture blanket for Christmas that she loved... that is now buried with her. Makes me physically ill. The majority of her toys are put away in a cupboard. The hospital told us that we had to wash everything that she had toughed, since Influenza A is extremely contagious. I can still see my mom and Aunt Carol sobbing as they stripped off the covers to her swing and rocker chair to wash, as they took lysol wipes to all her toys. Then they put them in a cupboard, and I haven't looked at them since. All those toys should be strewn across my front room. They should be everywhere, covered in Violet spit. Not in a basket stuffed in a cupboard never to be played with again. I just don't understand this. She was so strong. So ahead in everything. She had such a strong will and such determination. She was so strong, so how did she die? How could this perfectly healthy be taken out so easily? Fine one day and dead the next. She was swatting at toys by 2 months old and putting toys in her mouth by 3 months. She was so determined, if she wanted something it was going to be hers and she was going to get it to her mouth. She despised her little vibe chair with dangly butterfly toys. Despised it. All she wanted was to get those damn butterflies in her mouth. I wish I would have sat her up so she could chew those butterflies to her hearts content. All she ever wanted in life was to chew on those butterflies. I kept that vibe chair upstairs on the kitchen table. I would put her in it every morning while I got Lyvi and myself some breakfast. She would scream at the butterflies the whole time, and eventually she would actually get pissed off so I'd pick her up and love on her while trying to eat breakfast. Angie told me today she hates her kitchen table now, she has a hatred towards it because Violet should be sitting in her butterfly vibe chair on that table when she gets up in the morning. Grief makes you take your anger out irrationally. So, she can hate that table all she wants. I am so mad that I will never get to experience 7 month old Violet. I remember Lyvi at 7 months. So much fun. She started crawling at 7 months, she was so giggly, so happy, so content. Violet would have been all of those things plus a big helping of feistiness. She would have been crawling with ease by now, she'd absolutely be pulling herself up to standing, she'd be chasing Lyvi around, following me around whining and crying as I tried desperately to clean up, pulling all the toys off the lowest shelves, nursing in quick spurts because she'd be getting distracted by everything, especially her big sister, eating all sorts of solids, she had already started to get excited when Rich came home so at this point I imagine she would have been even more excited to see her daddy. How can she be gone????? How will I not have her here tomorrow snapping pics left and right so that I will always remember what 7 month old Violet looks like? I will never have a picture of her older than 5 months 12 days. I have boxes and boxes of clothes from Lyvi that I saved for Violet. So many cute outfits I couldn't wait to put her in this summer. Violet will never get to wear any of them. I miss her so much. I miss all the memories that we will never get to make with her. I miss everything about my old life. My life inside my happy little bubble. I miss my Violet.

It feels like I haven't written to you in so long my sweet baby. I know in reality it has only been a couple days, but a couple days without you is equivalent to a hundred years in my new life. I am ancient on the inside. It's like everyday I turn a little more into stone. A life without your entire soul is so long, even if I died tomorrow I will have lived a hundred hundred years in my soul. I'm so sorry you will never be 7 months old. I was so looking forward to 7 month old you. How did we get here? I went up and visited GG today, her and my Uncle Rick bought me a beautiful locket so you are always near my heart. Your aunts and I went to Tai Pan Trading, we were just killing time. There was so much Paris stuff there, one of them remarked about how we should have gone to Tai Pan to find Paris stuff for your grandma's birthday. We should have gone to Tai Pan that terrible day because then you wouldn't have gotten the flu. Instead we went to Target and Gordman's. If we would have gone to Tai Pan you would still be here. I know the what if's probably aren't healthy, but that's where I'm at now. I just miss you so much and I will never forgive myself. Even if one little thing would have changed, maybe you wouldn't have gotten the flu. If Lyvi would have thrown a fit before we left or if you would have needed a diaper change or if I would have forgot to grab my sunglasses and had to run back inside, it could have thrown things off just enough that maybe I would have picked a different cart. Maybe we wouldn't have crossed paths with the person who passed it to you. I would give anything to go back. Anything. I'm so sorry sweetie. I love you so much baby girl. I love you more everyday. I hope you are safe and warm Vi.