Thursday, July 31, 2014

I don't want to talk about it.

My daughter Violet is an extension of my heart and my soul. 
She is my missing piece. 
She should be 11 months 12 days old today.
She never made it past 5 months 12 days.
My daughter Violet died 6 months ago.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Nothing much to say

I don't have a lot to say lately. I'm still feeling quiet. It's getting harder in ways. In the beginning it was obviously unbearable, but I could write. I had so much to say. Then there was the middle part where I think I was still in that fog of disbelief. But, now almost 6 months in and I have nothing to say. Nothing I say makes this easier. No matter how much I write it doesn't make it easier to breath. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I am on edge most of the time. I have no patience. None. Zilch. I try, most days I can put on a good face and get through the day without any major scream fits. But, other days I can't. I am still taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I will be fine one minute, and the next thing I know I am blindsided with everything again. It really really really sucks. I hate it. HATE it. 

I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything. Other than that I miss Violet. I can't watch her videos very often, or look at pictures a ton anymore. I feel so bad about this. Like I am moving on or trying to forget her. That isn't the case, I know that. But, I don't want her to think that I have forgotten her or moved on. It just hurts too damn much sometimes. I need to be able to get through the day and take care of Lyvi. One day soon I am going to immerse myself in Violet pictures and videos again. Soon, when I have the time for a breakdown. Haha, scheduling my grief. Seems like this is how it will have to be eventually. I will have to carve out a chunk of time to be sad and have the breakdown I so need. 

That's about it. Other than I think I will start doing some soul searching soon. I want to know what I believe in, whether that be God, the Universe, or nothing at all, I want to know. Need to know. But, yeah. This is where I'm at. And, I hate it. 

I feel like I haven't talked to you in so long sweetie. I talk to you everyday in my head. Multiple times a day, but when I don't write it down it just doesn't seem like I'm really talking to you. Your dad and I talked about what to do for your birthday this year. We aren't really sure yet, but we are leaning towards having a barbecue with family and some friends. I know I will be so so sad that day and I don't know what I want to do. But, it feels like being surrounded by people who love you and miss you would be a smart move. I am dreading that day. I shouldn't have to dread your birthday. We should be planning a fun party for you. I should be getting your outfit ready for your pictures. Finding you a smash cake. Figuring out what to get you for your presents. Instead I am trying to plan a barbecue and make a prayer flag ( I love you my darling girl. My Violetta Villalobos. I miss you. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Blow after blow

Man. I have been spiraling without even realizing it. No. I knew it. But, I have been running from it. Trying to act like it isn't getting worse. It's just been blow after blow these last couple of weeks. It was 5 months since she died. Then 5 months 13 days, so she has officially been gone longer than she was here. Today is a shitty friday. I hate fridays. She died on a Friday. Tomorrow she should be 11 months old. Just one blow after another after another. After another after another. We had to have Lyvi's 3rd birthday party without her. That was surprisingly hard. We had a family reunion to go to that I was on bed rest last year for so we weren't able to go. I was so excited to take Violet this year. Angie and her family moved all the way to stupid Washington. We got Loki, which ended up not working out. He got that case of diarrhea which sent me into that bad anxiety attack. And, I realized I couldn't handle having a puppy that I was sure was going to die any second. So, we gave him to some friends who have been looking for a dog and have 5 cute kiddos to keep him busy. Thanks again so much Jessica and Chad. I know he's happy there. 

I just can't catch a break. I don't know what I need, but I need something. A drink? Always. But, I can't drink a lot. That just doesn't seem healthy. Obviously I need Violet. We all know that. But, that isn't going to happen. Ever. I don't know what I need right now, but something needs to give. I need to take a breath. I can't seem to breathe. I'm always on edge. Always feel like I'm falling. Plummeting. Careening down into a deep cave. I need some light. Something to lighten up my dark sad broken soul. Of course "Be Okay" by Ingrid Michaelson started as I'm typing this. That sweet Vi is always looking out for me. 

You know what really sucks? We were set. We were ready to really start living our lives. We were working towards buying our home, raising our two girls. We were ready to really start living. Now we have the house. But, we don't have Violet. We want another kid, but I don't think I'm ready. I want one so bad. But, I don't know if that's just because I am desperately trying to patch my heart back together. I do want another child someday, but I know we need to wait. So. We will wait. To start our lives again. I know we have Lyvi. And our dream home. And each other. But, I just don't feel complete. We felt complete with Vi. I know we will never feel complete again, but maybe a little more put together if we can have another one. But, if I can't even keep a damn puppy then how could I handle another baby right now? I really hate this. I loathe it. I hate that it's getting harder. I hate that I know it's going to get a million times worse before it starts to ease up even a little bit. I despise everything about this. 

Thank you for being around so much the last little bit sweetheart. I have needed you. I need your little signs to keep me going. I know I have to keep going, you made that very clear to me today in the car. I was telling myself that I don't want to die, but I would be fine if it happened. And right then Pompeii started. So, I guess I need to keep going and actually try to live. I will try sweet girl. I will try. I love you so much. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Bad Place

So, I have learned that my panic and anxiety doesn't stop at my kids. Apparently it extends out to my puppy too. Yesterday Loki (we renamed him) was sick. He had yucky bad diarrhea. He was super lethargic. He threw up twice in the night. He was so sick. I was sure, absolutely sure that he had Parvo and was going to die. I knew it. I knew he was going to die. I started to panic. I could feel the panic building, just like it started building when Vi was having a hard time breathing at one in the morning. It built and built and built. Until it boiled over and I realized I was having an anxiety attack. Yes, it was about the puppy, I didn't want him to die. But, really it was more than that. It was about Violet. Because the unthinkable happened, I expect it to continue happening. Because Violet's innocent cough turned into a severe and fatal lung infection, I expect a little bit of diarrhea to turn into Parvo and death. I think this is a normal reaction because of what happened to Vi, but I really want to work through it. I realized in the midst of this attack, that if I react this severely to a puppy having diarrhea, can you imagine how I would be as a pregnant person. Or, as the mother of a brand new baby again. I realized in that moment, that as much as I desperately need another baby, I'm not ready. I want to be ready. I want to be able to feel like I could make it through a pregnancy and (god willing) make it through newborn stage without ending up in the looney bin, but I'm so not there yet. If I get to have another baby someday, I want to be the best mother I can be for that baby. And, that means I need to work through this anxiety and learn how to control it. I think it will always be there. I panic when Lyvi gets a cold now, but not as bad as I did yesterday with Loki. That was bad. I was panicking so badly that I had to get away from the puppy, I had to leave. So, I drove to go take care of a fix it ticket. I was calm enough to know I could drive, but I did leave Lyvi with Rich. I needed to be alone and get myself under control. On the way to the city building, I was bawling. I was back in that hospital room. I felt so out of control of my whole life. I can't do anything to prevent tragedy from striking again. I can't keep my puppy safe and I couldn't keep my baby safe. What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I was spiraling into a deep guilt hole that I wasn't going to be able to get myself out of. And, then I Will Wait came on. And, I started to calm down. She's here with me. I could feel her telling me to calm down. Telling me I didn't do anything wrong. But, I was still panicky. And, then Pompeii started after. I took a breath. I became rational again. I realized that I didn't cause Violet's death. I realized that if Loki died, it wasn't my doing. I didn't kill him. It would just be more bad luck. But, I could also feel her telling me that he's ok. He just has a little tummy bug or he was stupid and ate something he shouldn't have. I calmed down for the most part. I was still pretty anxious all day. I still kept telling myself he was probably going to die, which I think is just a defense mechanism so that if he did die, it wouldn't be such a shock. Which is so stupid. It still would have been shocking and awful. I am happy to report that Loki is not dead. He woke up this morning in his usual asshole dickhead manner. He is just fine. Playing and eating and biting the hell out of Lily. But, at least I know where I'm at mentally. Which is not a good place. I have some work to do. 

Look at this stupid dog.

Thank you for calming me down yesterday sweetheart. I am so happy that you are mine and that you are still here with me. I do wish you were actually physically here though. I would still give anything to have you back. Always. I love you my sweet feisty fat little baby. Always. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Vi hours old, sleeping in my arms in my hospital bed. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014


I'm feeling quiet lately. I don't have much to say. And, I don't know why. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know if I'm running and burying my grief down too deep. Or, if I am already learning how to compartmentalize it. I'm definitely not ok. Definitely not. I am sad. Deeply and profoundly sad. I'm so sad that she's been gone for over 5 months now. I am so sad that I can't remember what it felt like to hold her. I'm forgetting her. Forgetting everything about her. This is going to sound crazy, but I seriously don't remember actually having her. I feel like it was all a big dream. It's surreal that she was actually here. It would be easier for me to believe that she was never actually here, that I dreamt her up, then it would be to believe that she was here and she did die. For my mind, that would be easier. But, then my stupid pesky heart has to sneak up and remind me that a huge chunk of it is missing. That she was here. That all these pictures and videos and feelings are real. This really did happen to me. To her. I really was pregnant for 37 weeks with her. I really did give birth to the most beautiful baby I have ever set eyes on. She really did sleep next to me every night she was alive. I realized today that I was never away from her for more than 2 hours at a time. In her whole life. I would venture to guess that I wasn't away from her for more than 10 hours total. In her whole 5 months 12 days. At least I have that. At least I have no guilt about the time I spent with her. She was always with me. Nursing whenever she wanted. Sleeping whenever I could persuade her to. Crying a lot. But, also playing a lot. She was just the sweetest thing. That is something I do remember. I do remember how sweet she was. I am so sad. 

such a beautiful baby

The fourth of July wasn't hard like the other holidays have been. We were able to have some fun. I wasn't in a terrible mood like I have been on the other holidays. Rich had to work that evening, so Lyvi and I went to the park with my sisters and their kids. Then we went over to our uncle's house to watch fireworks. It was fun. Lyvi liked the fireworks to a point, but she did end up asking to go home. So, we went home. And, then it hit me. The tears surprised me. I wasn't expecting them, but there they were. There was no stopping them. They just flowed freely. I didn't realize how much I had been holding in all day. Until it all flowed out of me like lava. I expect this is how my life will be all the time. Holding it in, thinking that I'm ok, and then being shocked when I'm back in a safe place and it all comes out. I can't cry in front of people. I very rarely cry in front of anyone other than Lyvi. Which is terrible, it would probably be better to cry in front of Rich instead of Lyv. She doesn't like it when I cry, but I think she gets it. Today we were talking about VI in the car, like we usually do. We were talking about Vi being in the stars because Lyv had just saw the moon. After a few seconds of silence Lyvi said "I want get Baby Vi back." Ouch. We can't get her back. Ever. I once again had to tell my oldest daughter that her baby sister is dead and will never come back. I say it as simply as I can, and then I tell her that Vi is in her heart, and the stars, and in everything pretty. I really hate this part of it. I hate that Lyvi lost her sister and that I have to explain it to her so often. I will do it because Lyvi deserves to know the truth and she deserves to have an explanation. But, dammit it hurts. 

I know I have said all of this stuff before. I feel like I should have some profound break through to write about. But, I don't. Things have been quiet. And sad. Just the same stuff over and over. Just trying to get through another day of this hell without Violet. Trying to figure out what to do now. What our next step is. Or if we even have a next step. Is this it? Is this going to be our life now. Just me, Rich, and Lyvi? Always thinking about Violet, but never getting her back. I don't know. I hope we can have another baby someday. I really REALLY don't want Lyv to grow up alone. I don't want her to have to worry about all the things that happen if your parents get old by herself. I want her to have a sibling to grow up with. And nieces and nephews. I want more for her. And for me. And for Rich. And for Violet. I want to make her proud. I want her to know that we always love her and always miss her, but that we were able to move forward. That's what I want now I think. I want to be able to move forward at some point. I need to take a step forward in this new life. But, not yet. We aren't ready yet. We are still standing still, just trying to breath. 

Hi baby girl. I'm feeling so sad lately. And so alone. I just miss you. I wish I remembered what it was like to have you. I wish you were still here. You would have been such a shit on the fourth. Such a shit. But, you would have had so much fun. We would have loved showing you fireworks and letting you eat food at the bbq. I would have shared a snow cone with you. It would have been perfect, even if you and your sister were driving me batty. I just want you here. I want you to experience life. I want you to get scrapes and cuts, try new food, crawl in the grass, play in the pool, eat mud. I want you to be here. I'm so sorry you aren't here. So so sorry baby girl. We got a puppy today! You would love him and hate him. His name is Thor. He's a pit bull just like Lily. He's very Ultraviolet. Super sweet, but crazy feisty. Just like you baby girl. I love you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.