Sunday, September 7, 2014

Highs and Lows

Wow. It's been almost 4 weeks since I have written here. I don't know why it's been so long. I've been trying to live my life like I declared in my last post. It's hard. Really hard. In these almost 4 weeks I have felt happier than I have since Vi died. But, I have also had some of my lowest lows in a long time. I have enjoyed life, for the most part. I have been driven to near insanity by my amazing majestic joyous Lyvi-loo. I have loved spending time with Rich. I've even spent quality time with our dog Lily. It has been, dare I say it... good. Almost more good than bad. Almost. These lows are hard. And, more often than not lately they hit with little to no warning. All of a sudden I can't breathe. I can't talk. I'm just sobbing. Out of nowhere. While driving. Or showering. Or cooking. Or watching a TV show. Or, I am just mad. Just pissed off at everything and nothing. I snap at Rich and lose my temper with Lyvi over nothing. It's so hard to feel like a failure of a mother when the only thing I want in the whole world is to mother both of my children. I only have one here. I shouldn't ever lose my temper or need a moment alone. At least that's what I tell myself. I know it isn't true. I am only human. I can only take so much, probably less than most people. I just wish this wasn't my life. Still. Always. 

Oh my girl. My sweet girl. You know. You know where I'm at and how I am truly doing. I'm trying so so hard for you. I'm trying. I hope that by writing all of this out I'll be able to put my big girl panties on and get through another day without you. I love you. I miss you. Oh god I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

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