Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Moving is hard

This whole moving thing is harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard to pack up Violet's things (which I have not done yet). I just didn't expect packing up everything else would make me so emotional. I was packing all the decorations from Lyvi and Vi's room today. It was hard. Violet never slept a night in that room, she slept with me every single night. But, I decorated that room for both of them. Her crib was in there. Her name is on the wall. The room was for both of them, and now one of them is gone. I broke down. Again. In front of Lyvi. I hate hate hate doing that. She was so sweet, yet again. I was able to pull myself together a little quicker this time and get back to letting her help me pack. Which she thinks is just the coolest thing ever. If all goes as planned, we should be moving into the new house this weekend. Super exciting huh. I still don't feel as excited about my dream home as I should. Before all of this shit storm happened, the prospect of buying our dream home sent me into a fit of happiness and dreams. All I had ever wanted was a happy marriage, healthy kids, and a beautiful home to raise our family. I had the first two, and we were working on the last one. I hate that this is tainted now. I hate it. We should be moving into this house with Violet. That 3rd bedroom should be hers. I shouldn't have to pack all of her stuff away into a cedar chest. This is not how it should be. I hate it. 

Let me step back and say that I am very excited about our new home. It is everything I have ever wanted. It is beautiful. I don't want to seem like I am unappreciative of all that I still have in my life. I love my husband and am so lucky to have him. I love Lyvi and I am so lucky to have her. I love Violet and I am so lucky to have had her, but so unlucky to have lost her. I miss her so much.

I think one day soon I want to write about my pregnancy and birth of Violet. Before I forget all that happened to get that sweet little chunk here. I miss her. 

Oh sweet girl, what I would give to go back to these pictures. You were such a fussbutt. Your little tummy was so mean for the first while. You cried and cried. I remember calling your pediatrician panicking because you were coughing. I was convinced you had somehow picked up pertussis. You were less than a week old at this point. He reassured me that you hadn't even been alive long enough to have contracted it and it sounded like silent reflux. Which is what it turned out to be. That got better after a little bit thank goodness. Looking back, even in those first few days I could feel that our time together wasn't going to be long. I hate that. I'm so sorry this happened to you sweetie. I will never get it. I love you so much, my Violetta Villalobos. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.


  1. Just the fact that you are trying makes you such an awesome mom Michelle. You are trying and succeeding to endure one day if not one hour at a time. Lyvi is lucky to have you. Vi is lucky to have you. She still does have you and you her. I pray her spirit is tangible to you. Her life and your love for her are teaching so many about the joy of the present moment. I know one day you will get to know how many lives she and your live for her touched...

  2. P.s. I hate it for you too. I just have to believe and I do believe you will get to be her mommy again on the other side of the veil. I try to send love and light to you every time I think of your sweet sweet girl.