Senseless Nonsense

I can't get out of this dark place. It started yesterday while I was packing away Lyvi's outgrown clothes and I realized all over again that Vi will never get to grow into these 2t clothes. And, then as I was grabbing shoes off the closet floor I found a little pink crocheted bow I made for the hat I made Violet. I had been teetering already since yesterday was 4 months, but that threw me over. I thought packing up Lyvi's clothes would be a hard, but safe task. I thought I would be ok. I didn't imagine that I would lose it. Finding the bow so unexpectedly hit me like a million daggers piercing my heart. The sobs heaved, my lungs empty, my heart felt like it would stop at any moment. She is gone. She died. I watched her die. I held her cold lifeless body. I laid her on a hospital gurney, kissed her bruised face, her hands, her feet, her legs, her toes, her fuzzy hair, her amazing eye brows, and her sweet lips for the last time 4 months ago. 4 months and 1 day ago everything was fine. Perfect. 4 months ago my life was utterly shattered beyond repair. All of this is real. This isn't going to end. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can do to fix this. The realization of it was just too much. It all hit me again so hard. So unexpectedly. I hate losing it in front of Lyvi. I try so hard to only softly cry in front of her, but I couldn't stop the onslaught. She sat with me for a long time. She kissed my forehead and wiped my tears. She told me it's ok. But it's not. None of this is ok. Nothing about this is ok. Eventually she wandered out of the room and started watching a show on TV. While I sobbed endlessly. At some point I realized I needed to get myself under control. I got up and took a shower. I finally calmed down after about an hour, but I stayed misty and sad all day. And, today I am still on the edge. I can't get my mind to stop. I can't get out of those horrific 20 hours. I had her for roughly 3,960 hours, why can't I get out of those last 20 hours. Why can't I remember all the times before that. All the times she was happy. All the times she was crying, which were many. All the times she nursed from me. All the times she slept peacefully in my arms. Why am I focusing on her terrible suffering and tragic death. Why why why. I wish I could get out of this place. I know in time it will ease up a bit. This wave just seems bigger and stronger than most. It's all hitting me with a renewed strength and I can't seem to fight it off. I can hear the sounds of her breathing. I can see the scared panic in her eyes. I couldn't help her. I couldn't stop it from killing her. All I could do was hold her, love her, talk to her. I hope she never felt alone. I hope she knew I was there until the end. I hope she knows I would have done anything to save her. I would have ended my life right then and there if it meant she would live. That ending would have been so much more just. It would have made sense. A mother sacrificing herself to save her child. It makes sense. A sweet innocent baby dying senselessly because of a fluke infection of MRSA in her lungs. It just doesn't make any sense. I am logical. Some would argue too logical, so for something so senseless to happen in my life is beyond ironic. Nothing will ever make sense of this mess. This senseless nonsense. 

Hi my sweet girl. I miss you so. All of you. Everything about you. I miss your endless hours of crying. I miss your sweet easy smile. I miss your stinky stinky farts. I miss your coos and screams and grunts and growls. I miss you. I just miss you. I love you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I hope you know I was there until the end. I hope you know I would and still will switch places with you in a heartbeat. I am so sorry my fat baby. I love you so much. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.