Bad Place

So, I have learned that my panic and anxiety doesn't stop at my kids. Apparently it extends out to my puppy too. Yesterday Loki (we renamed him) was sick. He had yucky bad diarrhea. He was super lethargic. He threw up twice in the night. He was so sick. I was sure, absolutely sure that he had Parvo and was going to die. I knew it. I knew he was going to die. I started to panic. I could feel the panic building, just like it started building when Vi was having a hard time breathing at one in the morning. It built and built and built. Until it boiled over and I realized I was having an anxiety attack. Yes, it was about the puppy, I didn't want him to die. But, really it was more than that. It was about Violet. Because the unthinkable happened, I expect it to continue happening. Because Violet's innocent cough turned into a severe and fatal lung infection, I expect a little bit of diarrhea to turn into Parvo and death. I think this is a normal reaction because of what happened to Vi, but I really want to work through it. I realized in the midst of this attack, that if I react this severely to a puppy having diarrhea, can you imagine how I would be as a pregnant person. Or, as the mother of a brand new baby again. I realized in that moment, that as much as I desperately need another baby, I'm not ready. I want to be ready. I want to be able to feel like I could make it through a pregnancy and (god willing) make it through newborn stage without ending up in the looney bin, but I'm so not there yet. If I get to have another baby someday, I want to be the best mother I can be for that baby. And, that means I need to work through this anxiety and learn how to control it. I think it will always be there. I panic when Lyvi gets a cold now, but not as bad as I did yesterday with Loki. That was bad. I was panicking so badly that I had to get away from the puppy, I had to leave. So, I drove to go take care of a fix it ticket. I was calm enough to know I could drive, but I did leave Lyvi with Rich. I needed to be alone and get myself under control. On the way to the city building, I was bawling. I was back in that hospital room. I felt so out of control of my whole life. I can't do anything to prevent tragedy from striking again. I can't keep my puppy safe and I couldn't keep my baby safe. What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I was spiraling into a deep guilt hole that I wasn't going to be able to get myself out of. And, then I Will Wait came on. And, I started to calm down. She's here with me. I could feel her telling me to calm down. Telling me I didn't do anything wrong. But, I was still panicky. And, then Pompeii started after. I took a breath. I became rational again. I realized that I didn't cause Violet's death. I realized that if Loki died, it wasn't my doing. I didn't kill him. It would just be more bad luck. But, I could also feel her telling me that he's ok. He just has a little tummy bug or he was stupid and ate something he shouldn't have. I calmed down for the most part. I was still pretty anxious all day. I still kept telling myself he was probably going to die, which I think is just a defense mechanism so that if he did die, it wouldn't be such a shock. Which is so stupid. It still would have been shocking and awful. I am happy to report that Loki is not dead. He woke up this morning in his usual asshole dickhead manner. He is just fine. Playing and eating and biting the hell out of Lily. But, at least I know where I'm at mentally. Which is not a good place. I have some work to do. 

Look at this stupid dog.

Thank you for calming me down yesterday sweetheart. I am so happy that you are mine and that you are still here with me. I do wish you were actually physically here though. I would still give anything to have you back. Always. I love you my sweet feisty fat little baby. Always. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

Vi hours old, sleeping in my arms in my hospital bed.