Quiet

I'm feeling quiet lately. I don't have much to say. And, I don't know why. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't know if I'm running and burying my grief down too deep. Or, if I am already learning how to compartmentalize it. I'm definitely not ok. Definitely not. I am sad. Deeply and profoundly sad. I'm so sad that she's been gone for over 5 months now. I am so sad that I can't remember what it felt like to hold her. I'm forgetting her. Forgetting everything about her. This is going to sound crazy, but I seriously don't remember actually having her. I feel like it was all a big dream. It's surreal that she was actually here. It would be easier for me to believe that she was never actually here, that I dreamt her up, then it would be to believe that she was here and she did die. For my mind, that would be easier. But, then my stupid pesky heart has to sneak up and remind me that a huge chunk of it is missing. That she was here. That all these pictures and videos and feelings are real. This really did happen to me. To her. I really was pregnant for 37 weeks with her. I really did give birth to the most beautiful baby I have ever set eyes on. She really did sleep next to me every night she was alive. I realized today that I was never away from her for more than 2 hours at a time. In her whole life. I would venture to guess that I wasn't away from her for more than 10 hours total. In her whole 5 months 12 days. At least I have that. At least I have no guilt about the time I spent with her. She was always with me. Nursing whenever she wanted. Sleeping whenever I could persuade her to. Crying a lot. But, also playing a lot. She was just the sweetest thing. That is something I do remember. I do remember how sweet she was. I am so sad. 

such a beautiful baby

The fourth of July wasn't hard like the other holidays have been. We were able to have some fun. I wasn't in a terrible mood like I have been on the other holidays. Rich had to work that evening, so Lyvi and I went to the park with my sisters and their kids. Then we went over to our uncle's house to watch fireworks. It was fun. Lyvi liked the fireworks to a point, but she did end up asking to go home. So, we went home. And, then it hit me. The tears surprised me. I wasn't expecting them, but there they were. There was no stopping them. They just flowed freely. I didn't realize how much I had been holding in all day. Until it all flowed out of me like lava. I expect this is how my life will be all the time. Holding it in, thinking that I'm ok, and then being shocked when I'm back in a safe place and it all comes out. I can't cry in front of people. I very rarely cry in front of anyone other than Lyvi. Which is terrible, it would probably be better to cry in front of Rich instead of Lyv. She doesn't like it when I cry, but I think she gets it. Today we were talking about VI in the car, like we usually do. We were talking about Vi being in the stars because Lyv had just saw the moon. After a few seconds of silence Lyvi said "I want get Baby Vi back." Ouch. We can't get her back. Ever. I once again had to tell my oldest daughter that her baby sister is dead and will never come back. I say it as simply as I can, and then I tell her that Vi is in her heart, and the stars, and in everything pretty. I really hate this part of it. I hate that Lyvi lost her sister and that I have to explain it to her so often. I will do it because Lyvi deserves to know the truth and she deserves to have an explanation. But, dammit it hurts. 

I know I have said all of this stuff before. I feel like I should have some profound break through to write about. But, I don't. Things have been quiet. And sad. Just the same stuff over and over. Just trying to get through another day of this hell without Violet. Trying to figure out what to do now. What our next step is. Or if we even have a next step. Is this it? Is this going to be our life now. Just me, Rich, and Lyvi? Always thinking about Violet, but never getting her back. I don't know. I hope we can have another baby someday. I really REALLY don't want Lyv to grow up alone. I don't want her to have to worry about all the things that happen if your parents get old by herself. I want her to have a sibling to grow up with. And nieces and nephews. I want more for her. And for me. And for Rich. And for Violet. I want to make her proud. I want her to know that we always love her and always miss her, but that we were able to move forward. That's what I want now I think. I want to be able to move forward at some point. I need to take a step forward in this new life. But, not yet. We aren't ready yet. We are still standing still, just trying to breath. 

Hi baby girl. I'm feeling so sad lately. And so alone. I just miss you. I wish I remembered what it was like to have you. I wish you were still here. You would have been such a shit on the fourth. Such a shit. But, you would have had so much fun. We would have loved showing you fireworks and letting you eat food at the bbq. I would have shared a snow cone with you. It would have been perfect, even if you and your sister were driving me batty. I just want you here. I want you to experience life. I want you to get scrapes and cuts, try new food, crawl in the grass, play in the pool, eat mud. I want you to be here. I'm so sorry you aren't here. So so sorry baby girl. We got a puppy today! You would love him and hate him. His name is Thor. He's a pit bull just like Lily. He's very Ultraviolet. Super sweet, but crazy feisty. Just like you baby girl. I love you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.