Sunday, July 27, 2014

Nothing much to say

I don't have a lot to say lately. I'm still feeling quiet. It's getting harder in ways. In the beginning it was obviously unbearable, but I could write. I had so much to say. Then there was the middle part where I think I was still in that fog of disbelief. But, now almost 6 months in and I have nothing to say. Nothing I say makes this easier. No matter how much I write it doesn't make it easier to breath. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I am on edge most of the time. I have no patience. None. Zilch. I try, most days I can put on a good face and get through the day without any major scream fits. But, other days I can't. I am still taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I will be fine one minute, and the next thing I know I am blindsided with everything again. It really really really sucks. I hate it. HATE it. 

I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything. Other than that I miss Violet. I can't watch her videos very often, or look at pictures a ton anymore. I feel so bad about this. Like I am moving on or trying to forget her. That isn't the case, I know that. But, I don't want her to think that I have forgotten her or moved on. It just hurts too damn much sometimes. I need to be able to get through the day and take care of Lyvi. One day soon I am going to immerse myself in Violet pictures and videos again. Soon, when I have the time for a breakdown. Haha, scheduling my grief. Seems like this is how it will have to be eventually. I will have to carve out a chunk of time to be sad and have the breakdown I so need. 

That's about it. Other than I think I will start doing some soul searching soon. I want to know what I believe in, whether that be God, the Universe, or nothing at all, I want to know. Need to know. But, yeah. This is where I'm at. And, I hate it. 

I feel like I haven't talked to you in so long sweetie. I talk to you everyday in my head. Multiple times a day, but when I don't write it down it just doesn't seem like I'm really talking to you. Your dad and I talked about what to do for your birthday this year. We aren't really sure yet, but we are leaning towards having a barbecue with family and some friends. I know I will be so so sad that day and I don't know what I want to do. But, it feels like being surrounded by people who love you and miss you would be a smart move. I am dreading that day. I shouldn't have to dread your birthday. We should be planning a fun party for you. I should be getting your outfit ready for your pictures. Finding you a smash cake. Figuring out what to get you for your presents. Instead I am trying to plan a barbecue and make a prayer flag ( I love you my darling girl. My Violetta Villalobos. I miss you. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

1 comment:

  1. Take another step. And another step. That is all. Your courageous attitude and spirit overwhelm me and I don't even now you. So somehow you are bringing food from your experience. Is that possible? You make it seem so. I think of and lift you up as often as I can Michelle.