Sunday, September 14, 2014

Too fast

I hate that life is moving forward. Moving on without her. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Bills need to be paid. The house needs to be cleaned. Lyvi needs to be cared for. Rich has to work. I have to work. Everything around me is moving at hyper speed and I am struggling to keep up. I have all these plans to keep up. I'll clean the house today. I'll play with Lyv. I'll spend time with Rich. I'll make dinner. I'll research a job I'm interested in. I can't possibly do all of these things while still struggling with even understanding what happened 7 months ago. I can't keep up. I am flailing. I just want everything to slow down for a minute or two. I know it's been 7 months, I should be able to start keeping up about now. I was doing really well with everything for a little bit. But, this week has been a struggle. I don't know how the days keep passing. Time is moving so fast. I just need it to slow down. I know it isn't healthy for me to just sit for days on end, I won't let myself do that often. But, once in awhile I think I need it. If I could just find the time to sit and be with my grief for a day maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed? I doubt it. And, I doubt I would even be able to sit for more than a couple hours without feeling guilty about everything that needs to be done. I'm lost still. I can't see forward anymore. I don't know what I want for the future. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to think of a future without Violet, and that's the only future I get. I don't want a future without her. I want a future with her. I know that isn't an option, but I will never stop wishing. Even if we get to have another baby someday, I know I will always wish it was different. Wish that I still had her. Wish that I had all of my children with me. This is getting more and more complex, this grief. I'm stuck in 2 worlds. It's exhausting. 

My amazing Lyvi-loo loves babies so much. She wants a baby so bad. She is forever asking to go get Baby Vi back. I gently explain to her each time that Violet died and we can never get her back, then almost always without fail a lightbulb clicks and she says, "Oh, Baby Vi died, so we get a new baby!" Heartbreaking. I don't know what to say to her. If only it was that easy, to just get a new baby. I wish a new baby would fix everything. I'm terrified to have another baby. I don't want to put any expectations on a new little being. I want to feel ready to welcome a new baby for whatever that little person may bring. I don't want a new baby to grow up in the shadow of their dead big sister. That isn't fair. I know for Lyvi a new baby would help her, it would help her see that good things still happen after bad things. It would help her be the big sister that she already is without her little sister here anymore. I know she needs a baby. I wish I could give her one right now. But, unfortunately life is still moving forward. We have this big beautiful home that so needs a baby, but we have to adjust to all the new expenses. And, that doesn't happen overnight. Plus, I'm a terrible pregnant person in the best of circumstances. I'm honestly terrified that I will end up in a padded room if I were to get pregnant soon. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any plans. I don't want to think about the future. I just want everything to stop for a minute. I just need to slow down and be with my grief. But, at the same time that hurts so much. It just hurts. I know the longer I avoid getting in touch with the pain the more it will hurt when I do go there. The act of sitting here writing all of this down helps. I need to start writing more often again. It makes me touch on where I'm at. It's just so hard to do, because it hurts so much. 

Oh baby girl. My baby girl. This isn't getting any easier. I hate it. We went to a beautiful wedding yesterday and the whole time I was getting ready all I could think about is how much harder it should have been to get ready. I should have had you running around being a little shit. We should have been late to the wedding. I should have had to walk out during the ceremony because you were growling and being your crazy loud self. I still feel naked out in public. I still wonder if people can tell that I am missing a huge chunk of myself. I keep myself together pretty well in public now, but you are never far from my mind. Lyvi was playing with a cute little baby girl and all I could think about was how that should be you. I will never understand this. I miss you. I miss you so much. I can't breathe today. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.


  1. My dear, dear Michelle, I do not know you, but I read your entire blog last night and I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby girl, Chloe Grace, very unexpectedly on March 1, 2013. I know how much you are hurting and I want you to know, it gets better. Not ever 100% better, of course, but there are days when I have joy again without guilt. I did not have any other children when Chloe died, but now I am expecting a girl on October 1st. The reason I am writing to you is to tell you to please please find a therapist to talk to and help you through this. I resisted it for months, and only when I started to see my current therapist was I able to start healing. She gave me the tools to make it through the days without guilt and the constant questioning of "what if...?" If you are seeing a therapist now, stay with it, or find someone you like better if you don't feel it is helping you. I joined a support group for parents who had lost a child and while that helps a lot of people in our situation, it did not help me. I felt like it just added to my sadness and fears. Only when I started therapy did I begin to see the light again. And when I found out I was pregnant again I didn't feel fear, just hope and Chloe's love pouring through me. Please find a counselor. If you can't do it yourself, ask your mother or husband or a close friend to do it for you. You need to do this for yourself and for beautiful Lyv.

  2. Love you! Thanks for being at my wedding meant so much.. ���� vi is so perfect and will not be forgotten.