Friday, September 19, 2014
Always almost perfect
I am having a helluva month. I cannot get through a day without a major meltdown. Body shaking sobs type meltdown. I don't know why. There aren't any triggers. I am just sad. I'm sad that everything has an undertone of sadness. No matter how happy a moment is, the sadness is always there. We were sitting on the couch last night, me, Rich, Lyvi, and even Lily. Just sitting there talking, and Rich said "Almost perfect." Always almost perfect. Forever. It will only ever be almost perfect. Even if we have another child. Only ever almost perfect. That is so hard to swallow. So hard to accept. I will never have the life that I want. I knew this the moment she died, but I think I pushed everything down. It's all bubbling up lately. I can't hold it back anymore. I get those gut punching double me over reminders from everything and nothing all at the same time. I can be wiping my counters down or walking into a store or painting a bottle or putting laundry away, and with no warning at all I am doubled over sobbing. My poor Lyvi-Loo. She is such a sweet girl. She comes up to me and just hugs me as hard as she can when this happens. She just wants her mama to be happy. She knows I miss Vi and that's why I'm crying. She will tell me it's ok, and hand me a baby. Oh sweet girl. I wish it were that easy. I just don't know how to handle the day to day anymore. I am feeling so overwhelmed with life. I want an escape. But, that's not fair. Why should I get to escape? Rich doesn't get to escape. Lyvi doesn't get to escape. No one gets to escape this. There is no escape from this. Ouch. That realization is hard. I will never escape this, as long as I'm living I will never escape this. I'm so tired. Exhausted to my bones. Maybe if I could just sleep for a full 24 hours I would feel a little refreshed and more capable of handling the monotony of the day. Probably not. But, maybe.