Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The current cycle

There's this weird thing that happens with my grief. It's hard to put into words the feelings. I'll be going through my day, Violet always on my mind, but I'm not a complete disaster. It's almost like I don't realize that she's really gone. Or that I know she's gone but there's nothing I can do about it so why be a mess about it. Why not just accept it, learn to live with it. This lasts for anywhere from a second to a couple days. And, then it all hits me again. She is really gone. It is really as terrible as it sounds. All the pretending or trying to accept it doesn't make it any better. She's gone. And there is nothing I can do about it. She was here. I took the best care of her that I could. But, she died anyways. I will never hold her again. I will never nurse her again. She is gone. This conversation goes on in my head from anywhere to a second to a couple days. And, then I am back to not realizing she is gone/knowing she is gone but understanding that there is nothing I can do about it. This cycle really sucks. 

I was driving to the cemetery to clean off her grave for lawn maintenance tonight, and in a driveway was a little girl, maybe a year old. Chubby chubby, wearing a cute romper. Playing with her dad. That's when it hit me. The cycle of how fucking horrible this really is hit me. Violet will never play in the front yard with Rich. She will never run up and down the driveway chasing and laughing with her sister. I will never have a one year old Violet. This really really really fucking sucks. Sometimes I just want it all to end. I just want to be at the end of all of this. But, is there an end? Not while I am alive there isn't. It will always hurt. Until the second my heart stops beating. What happens after that I don't have a clue. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. Either way, I can't wait to be there and be rid of this pain. I am not going to purposely end my life. I don't want to die right now. I just can't wait until I can die and be done with this stupid life I have to live without Violet. I want to enjoy this life. You only get one, so I will try to enjoy it as best I can while living without my entire soul. I really can't wait until the end though. It makes living worth it. Living just so I can die. How fucking depressing is that.

I wish desperately I could have my one year old Violet. She would be amazing, feisty, crazy, happy, fat, runnnnnnning, pissed off 63% of the time, happier than you could ever imagine the other 37% of the time. She would be SO UltraViolet. I miss her. I miss one year old Violet that I never get to have. I miss her so much.

Can you imagine the eyebrows of one year old Violet. My god they would be incredible.

Hey my fat baby. I miss you. I hate this so much. It isn't fair. It doesn't make a lick of sense. How am I supposed to live in this world that is complete nonsense? I don't really have a choice though do I. This is the only Earth we have, so unless I want to off myself I guess I'm stuck. I wouldn't do that. That wouldn't be fair to you. You died, you don't get to live. So, I will live with you in my heart. I will try baby girl. I really will. I'm not quite as foggy this week. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. I miss you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.


  1. Hi Michelle, I do not know you, yet from looking at your instagram pics and reading your blogs i feel like I do. I guess its just one of those "being a mom" things. I just want you to know that you are incredibly strong and brave. I have not read all your blog entries because honestly I just start crying, so I'm reading a little at a time. As a mom, I cannot even fathom the pain and emptiness you must be feeling. I have been praying for you and your family everyday, I don't know exactly what to pray for because I don't even know what can help you right now. I don't understand it, it's not fair, it's not right, it's not supposed to happen that way!! Your story has stuck with me hard, I don't know exactly why maybe because I almost named my little girl Violet. I ask God everyday what I am supposed to get out of this tragic story why I am thinking of this so much....and then my answer came. You are going to be day. That painful hole in your heart is slowly going to close up day by day, year by year, but your sweet little baby vi will always remain there forever. I will keep on praying for you, your husband and lyvi. Thank for sharing your little "fat baby" with me. Lots of love from California, Bianca (sweetbeescakes on insta in case you ever see a comment or like :))

    1. Thank you for your kind words Bianca. I do hope one day the hole in my heart isn't quite as gaping and huge.

  2. I feel EVERY SINGLE WORD of this, Friend…just like I always do. You are not alone…even though I know how very lonely this life feels…so separated from everyone. No one else will ever fully understand…nor do we want them too. But it's hard…because we kind of wish they would.
    I so get that cycle…that very cycle you described. A year and a half later, I still experience that cycle, but the stretches are longer between now. I go longer "not feeling"…and then BAM I feel it and it is staggering. You know. Oh how you know.
    You are loved. I am thankful you found me. Much love ~ Jenny

    1. Thank you as always for your kind words. "No one else will ever fully understand…nor do we want them too. But it's hard…because we kind of wish they would." This. I could never eloquently explain this feeling, so thank you for doing this.
      So much love to you friend. I am so very happy that I found you.