Lost

I have put a word to the emotion that I feel most of the time. Lost. I am just lost. It's like I was on a path. The path that I have always wanted to be on. I was walking along this beautiful path, surrounded by blue skies and wildflowers and streams and frolicking deer, minding my own business, enjoying everything life had to offer. Just having a grand old time. And then, BAM. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of some maze. You know those hedge mazes, one of those. Just smack dab in the middle of one of those. Something picked me up and dropped me in the center of a maze. Dark cloudy skies. I'm just lost and I don't know what to do to get out of here. I have to have something to look towards to keep going. In the first few days it was planning her funeral. After that it was going to Washington. After that it was waiting for friends, cousins, family etc to come over on whatever day they planned. Sometimes it something as going over to Shay's house to bake. The biggest thing now is the house. The house is keeping me moving. I have something to look towards, I have things to get for the house still. But, what happens after the house? What's next? I feel like I'm going to crash, and I'm going to crash hard. I think I might just sit down in the middle of this maze and die. I have to keep moving or I will stop and I will not get back up. I need to find something else to look towards. I want my beautiful path with frolicking deer and wildflowers back dammit. I know I will never get that. Not really. Maybe someday I will be out of the maze, or at least be able to see over the walls. Maybe.

Hi my beautiful fat silly baby. I miss the hell out of you. We took pictures of all of the grandkids for grandma for Mother's day. Topher held a big picture of you. It was so heartbreakingly beautiful. I was having a hard time feeling ok with the picture. On the way there I felt awful, I couldn't bear to do it. To have a picture of all the grandkids and you not really be in it. I was sick to my stomach, but then pompeii came on. I can always tell when it's you and not just a fluke. It was you, but just to get your point across the second Pompeii ended I switched the station and I Will Wait started. Then when we pulled in, I rolled down my window and Pompeii was on again on a different station in your Aunt Angie's car and it was on my station again at the same time. So, Pompeii 3 times and I Will Wait all in the span of about 10 minutes. If that didn't convince me to suck it up and have Lisa take the pics I don't know what would have. Thank you for that sweet girl. I needed that little push from you. I hate this, I can't stand that you aren't here sitting on Topher's lap trying to crawl away and eat dandelions. I hate every second of this. But, I love you. Oh how I love you. I'm not even going to mention how tomorrow is stupid stupid stupid Mother's Day. Stupid. I miss you sweet girl. So much. Wait for me, let's go the stars. 

Almost perfect. Almost.