Shot to the Gut

It's late. I'm tired. I should be trying to sleep, but my mind is racing. It has been racing for days, but it's been too fast and scattered to even try to make sense of it. I haven't had the urge to write. It takes a few days or a shot to the gut to get my mind to slow back down. The shot to the gut happened tonight. Lyvi and I were laying in bed looking at pictures and watching videos of Violet, like we almost always do before bed. We had looked at a few pictures and started watching a little video. Out of nowhere Lyvi says, "Mommy. When Baby Vi coming back?" Damnit. Fuck fuck fuck. Can I please just die right now so I don't have to tell my almost 3 year old that her baby sister is never coming back. Ever. Death is not a concept a toddler's brain should have to try to understand. I'm 26 years old and I don't understand it at all. How in the hell is a 2 year old supposed to grasp the concept? I told her, "Baby girl, Violet can't come back. She's never coming back. She's in the stars forever and ever." Of all the things I have ever said in all my 26 years of life, this was the hardest. We have been up front with Lyvi about it all, as much as we have felt comfortable with. I have told her that Violet can't come back. I have never given her any reason to think that Vi might come back someday. But, apparently I've done a shitty job. OR maybe it's just that this whole thing is shitty. It's so shitty to have to tell your daughter that her sister is gone. Forever. Just gone. No warning, the last time Lyvi saw Violet alive she was happy and playing. The next day she didn't see me or Rich at all. And, the morning after that her sweet beautiful baby sister was gone. Never to return. Just gone. After I told her that Violet is gone forever she got sad. And quiet. She had tears in her eyes and her little lip was quivering. I could see her brain spinning, trying to understand, trying to put the words together to say how sad she is. But, she can't do that. She's so little. Her little brain is making new connections everyday, but the concept of death and how final it is just doesn't compute. But, I'm very sure that this is all shaping her. For the better or for the worse, I don't know. Hopefully for the better. I hope that she will not ever take life for granted. I hope that she will love fully and deeply, but will also not give her love over easily because she knows how bad it hurts to lose a love. I hope that she will always think about her baby sister, and if she ever has kids I hope she will tell them about their aunt Violet. My poor little girl's heart is broken. She misses her baby sister, and she just doesn't understand any of this. I have been thinking a lot about how unfair this is to me. I try not to venture there often because it just seems so petty compared to the injustice Violet was served with. But, now I really can't think about how unfair this is to me, because what about my Lyv. She lost her baby sister. She lost her mom, well her old mom. Now she has this shattered broken mom who is desperately trying to keep her head above water. Who loses her cool so much faster now because she is just so sad she can't seem to deal with the normal everyday stuff as easily. This mom who cries all the time and is forever talking about her dead baby sister with her in the vein hope that she will maybe remember her forever. This mom who looks like her old mom, but isn't even a shadow of that person anymore. This is all just so fucking shitty.

I miss you silly baby. Lyvi misses you so so much. I wish you didn't go. I wish you were still here wreaking havoc and making life difficult. I just miss you. I am still under some false fantasy that this isn't forever and that maybe just maybe someday I will get you back. I know I won't...but maybe. I love you sweet girl. Stick close to your big sister, she needs some comfort. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.