Wednesday, May 7, 2014

This is what I get for making plans

This wasn't the plan. This wasn't how my life was supposed to happen. I wanted to live a boring happy life. I wanted to raise our beautiful girls, in a beautiful home. I wanted to bicker and fight and fall more in love with my husband every year. I wanted to have a boring life, where the saddest thing that happened was maybe needing to put our dog down. I could see it all unfolding in front of me. Everything was so perfect. Rich and I had never been stronger than we were after we had Vi. My girls were happy and feisty and growing. Everyone in my life was happy. Everything was great. I will even go so far as to say everything was perfect. My life was going exactly where I had always planned for it to go. We were talking about buying a home. Rich was very happy with our 2 girls, and I was leaning strongly to being happy with just 2. I could see it. It was all within my reach. I could feel it with the tips of my fingers. And then, in a matter of seconds, it was gone. All of it. Violently ripped out of my reach. Ripped to shreds. Set ablaze. That beautiful boring happy life I so wanted to live was gone. I still have Rich, we are staying strong somehow. We still have our Lyvi-loo. We are buying our dream home. We still have the rest of our family. But, there is a giant hole. A deep dark black hole where Violet should be. We are all walking disasters. My parents. My siblings. My cousins. My friends. My Lyvi-Loo. We are all walking around with gaping holes in our hearts. People who don't even know me are aching for Violet. Her loss is profound. It changes the way you look at life. Her loss has changed everything about me. Sure, I survived. I'm surviving. But, am I? Am I really? No. I'm not. I died when she died. I am not and will never be the same person I was before January 31st, 2014. This just wasn't supposed to happen to us. It wasn't. Violet was supposed to grow up. I can't stand this. I loathe this. All of it. Everything about it. I hate having to tell Lyvi that her sister died. I finally said those words to her today. I have never said those words out loud to Lyvi. I have always just told her that Violet got sick and she had to go away  she is in the stars, and she will never be able to come back. But, I knew at some point I needed to start being more upfront with her. She doesn't know what die means. When I told her today that Violet died she looked at me with big sad eyes, eyes that comprehend more than we give her credit for. Eyes that are slowing starting to get it. Eyes that break my already shattered heart. Don't get me wrong, Lyvi is fine. Lyvi is happy. We are trying as hard as we can to keep her life normal. But, she is sad. She misses Violet and that is fine. It's healthy. She should miss Violet, and she should be sad. This is a sad sad thing. I realized the other day that if we aren't able to give Lyv another sibling for one reason or another she will never have the chance to be an aunt. How fucking sad is that. I love being an aunt. Aside from being a mother, being an aunt is the next best thing. Lyvi deserves to be an aunt. And, a mother if she wants that. So did Violet though and we all know how that turned out. Apparently this is what I get for making plans. I have always been superstitious. I have always had a feeling that I was going to jinx something, anything, by saying specifics. I never realized that this is what all that was about. I never realized that by making plans for what I wanted out of life, that I would lose my daughter. The universe is kind of a dick.

Hi my sweet girl. I hope you are ok. I hope you are happy. All I want is to get you back, but since I can't have that I just want you to be ok. I wish I could know that. I wish I wasn't so skeptical and logical. I have been sleeping without any pills for a couple weeks now, but you still haven't visited me. I want you to visit me in my dreams, even though I know waking up will be like losing you all over again. This is so terrible. I hate it so much. I hate that of all the 6 billion people in the world, that this happened to you. So unlucky. I miss you so much my sweet fat baby. I would give anything to get you back. I love you my Violetta Villalobos. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. 


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  2. I haven't stopped thinking about you and your beautiful family. Lots of hugs

  3. Michelle,

    I am so sorry about your precious Violet. What a beautiful girl. I too lost my precious baby girl Zoe, at 7.4 weeks of age in 2001. When the loss was new and raw I felt like you do now. I was in a dark place for a long time but am much stronger now. I still cry sometimes and mourn the future I will never have with her. She was our last baby. We had four other precious children and when I was so lost in my own grief the relationship with them suffered. I have regrets about that. Lyvi needs her more than ever. Please don't make the same mistake. Lyvi can never be as sad as you are about Violet's loss. No one can be. Only mothers have that capacity. Even Zoe's dad didn't feel the loss as deeply as I did. I had a nine month jump on our relationship after all. He felt that he needed to be strong for all of us and he was the rock that kept the family together until the day I could laugh again. He had cradled my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes and gently said, "we have grieved enough, we have a life to live". And he was is for the living. Violet will never be forgotten and she made a mark in her short stay on earth. Why did it happen to her? To you? It's nothing you did or didn't do. The whatifs are endless. But it wasn't in your power to change it. No one is punishing you. Stop punishing yourself. You are not to blame for something you didn't know. People die, babies die...every day. It's the circle of life. Have another baby. S/he won't replace Violet...Violet is irreplaceable but your heart will be opened to a new happiness. I became a midwife to honour Zoe and everyday I am blessed to witness the miracle of life...that is my new happiness.