Sunday, May 18, 2014

I'm in a fog

This week has been a fog. I don't know how it is Sunday night. I couldn't tell you what I did all week. Not a clue how so many hours have passed by. I do know that I have been more sad and more angry this week than I have for quite some time. I am just not digesting all this new information very well. I want to run away. I don't want to know that my daughter died from MRSA. I just want to run away and forget everything because everything hurts. I don't want to do this, I don't want this to be my life. I wasn't given a choice, she was violently ripped away from me. And, dammit it's not fair. It's just not fair. I feel like I'm back in those first few terrible weeks. Just existing, trying not to throw punches at people because I am so angry. Trying not to crumble into a million pieces because I am so sad. The waves this week have been brutal and unforgiving. The screaming in my head hasn't stopped one time since Monday when we found out what really happened. My tolerance for shit is at an all time low. I am on edge, and I will break soon. Some poor person is going to say something stupid to me and I am going to go bat shit crazy on them. Or, I will fall to the ground and die. Either one is very possible. I need a day to be catatonic. To do nothing but sit in The Chair and stare at a wall. No TV. No music. No book. No toddler. Just me and my shattered heart. 
I'm just so confused. What in the actual fuck. Thanks for that line Nicole ;). What in the actual fuck?! We are clean healthy people. We do not do drugs. We are not homeless. We are not in prison. We have NONE of the risk factors for a MRSA infection. She was perfect. Healthy. Growing. I don't fuuuuucking get it. I just do not get it. Yes, I know that most people have MRSA colonized on their bodies. But, how does it get from colonization of the outer body, to infection of the lungs. Just like that. Just swoops right in and kills. This scares me infinitely more than the flu. There is a shot to help prevent the flu. There is nothing you can do to stop this. I did everything right. We washed hands. We rarely left the house. She got sick one time. One. Time. And, then she got MRSA in her lungs and died. This MRSA did not come from the hospital, it came from the community. We were rarely in the "community" and when we were she was on my person in the mei tai or in her carseat. She was absolutely perfect. I did everything in my power to protect her. But, it didn't make a damn bit of difference. I just do not understand this. 
This is all so scattered. My mind isn't in a good place right now. I am terrified to start packing. We pulled out all our boxes from the storage closet and it sent me over. I was fine until I grabbed the box labeled "12 month clothes, mostly summer stuff." Those are the clothes Vi should be wearing right now. I packed those away when Lyvi outgrew them with hopes that I would have another daughter to put them on someday. I had another daughter. But, I never got to put her in them. I was so angry I couldn't even verbalize what was happening in my mind. so, I threw a plastic toy shoe as hard as I could. And, I went on with my day. This is the story of my life. 

I'm so angry. I'm so sad. I'm so confused. But, most of all I miss her. I miss her so much. Can this all be over yet?

Hi my baby girl. I haven't written in a long time. I'm sorry. I am so sorry that I had no idea what was happening inside of your body as I watched helplessly. I should have known it wasn't the flu. I should have known. I do not think it would have mattered, but I still should have known. I will never forgive myself for letting you die. It's irrational. I know. But I am your mama and I should have protected you better. I don't know what I did wrong, but I obviously failed you. In the worst way possible. I am so sorry baby girl. I know you wouldn't want me to feel this way. I know you wouldn't want to see me hurting like this. I am going to try my hardest to be better this week. I need to function more. I really will try. I miss you more than I could ever explain. I love you my fat fat baby. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 


  1. Oh Michelle. I just want to take your broken heart, and mend it. I wish it were so simple. You and your family, and Vi, didn't deserve this. I'm so, so sorry. Just know that I'm always thinking of you, holding you in my heart along with sweet Violet. Love you mama. I'm always here.

  2. Dear Michelle ~ I found you via a comment you left on another grieving Mama's blog. The part of this post that made me reach out to you is where you blame yourself.! It was not your fault. Don't allow those lies to torment your Mama are not to blame. Please know that I am praying for you and your family heart goes out to you all in this time of intense grieving. There are answers and there is hope. I will pray that you will find comfort and peace in the days to come. I am so sorry you are walking this most excruciatingly difficult path. It is absolutely one of the hardest things to face. Hugs, Camille