|Violet 1 day old|
|Violet at 2 months|
I nursed Violet like normal on the 30th. She ate fine, she was completely fine. I feel like I need to keep saying that, she was fine. Until she wasn't fine. I was able to nurse her at 1 AM, right before we left for the ER, once right before they took us by ambulance up to McKay Dee, once at McKay, and then that was it. I had no idea that was the last time I would ever nurse her. She didn't nurse very well since she was trying so hard to breath, but she did nurse. I can't believe that was the last time I nursed her. We fed her some of my expressed milk through a medicine dropper once. It breaks my heart to think about that. I try not to, but I think about that moment so much, especially at night. Its no wonder I can't sleep anymore. She was so hungry, ravenous, her mouth was so dry. All she wanted to do was eat, but she couldn't. She couldn't breath enough to suck. The one thing that she relied solely on me for I couldn't give her. She ate close to 4 oz, but ended up spitting a lot of it up because having a full tummy put more pressure on her lungs. The nurses let us give her some sugar water, she went crazy for those too. She was so hungry. Her mouth was so dry from breathing so fast. They did end up putting a feeding tube down her nose and slowly fed her my milk through that, but again it made things worse for her breathing and it didn't help with her dry mouth. They were feeding her super slowly, but her tummy wasn't digesting anything.They came in and sucked what was in her tummy out, just to see how much was in there. Basically, everything she had eaten since we got to McKay was still there. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I know it's because her body was shutting down.
Drying my milk up was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through. Not physically, but emotionally. It goes without saying that I was in some serious discomfort. My breasts were so engorged. Hard as a rock. I lathered them in peppermint essential oil, put cabbage leaves in my bra, and took Sudafed to help dry my milk up. But I didn't want it to dry up. It was for her. It was doing such a good job. She was so healthy. So happy. If it dried up it meant she didn't need it anymore. That she was really gone. My breasts would leak at night, it was like they were crying for her. They ached for her. To me, it seemed like the universe was kicking me while I was down. "Hey, yeah your baby just tragically died, but here lets make your breasts ache for her too." It is a constant reminder that she's gone. It took about 5 days for the engorgement to go down, and about 10 days for the milk to be gone. I didn't want it to be gone. I don't want it to be gone. It means she really is gone.
This part may seem inappropriate and weird, just a warning. I was finally out of The Chair and at Kohls with my sisters. It was just after my milk had completely dried up. We were looking at shirts. I realized that I was able to get a size smaller than I normally would because my boobs are so small now. I said such to Angie and Lisa, they looked so sad, so I grabbed my boobs and called them my "empty sacks of sorrow." We all laughed. It really isn't funny. But, it is. The size difference is substantial. They are so empty and sad now. It's so stupid, but every time I call them my empty sacks of sorrow it makes me giggle. It's the little things that keep me going. I don't even know where that nickname came from. It just popped in my head. It's the perfect thing to call empty sad boobs. I hate my empty sacks of sorrow. They should be big and full of milk to feed my fat happy baby. Not empty and sad. Not a constant reminder that my baby no longer needs me. Not a constant reminder that I watched my daughter die. Hey empty sacks of sorrow, fuck off.
Hi sweet girl. I miss you. I can't even put into words how much I miss you. There are no words that can even come close. I keep replaying everything we did for that week before you got sick. Where could you have gotten the flu? We barely went anywhere. It doesn't make any sense to me. It is 2014, how is the flu still a thing? How is the flu still killing people? And, how is it possible that the flu killed you? How. Is. That. Possible. I'm so sorry sweetheart. I wish I could have had you a month earlier, that way you could have gotten your flu shot and none of this would have happened. I'm so sorry I failed you. I'm your mom. I'm supposed to keep you safe from harm. Not only did I not keep you safe, but you died. You didn't just break your arm or need stitches, you DIED. That is no ones fault but my own. It was my sole responsibility to keep you and your sister safe. And now you're gone. I'm so sorry Vi. You were my missing piece. You made me whole. I don't know how to live without you. I don't know what to do without you. How do I live the rest of my life without you? I know that you are never coming back, I know that. But, I cannot accept it. I keep thinking that someday I will get you back. That you will just one day be in your carseat looking at that damn monkey mirror. Or one morning I'll come out of my bedroom with Lyvi and you'll be laying on the ground smiling and screaming at us. I can hear Lyvi saying "Oh, Baby Vi! Mama, it's Baby Vi!"I don't know if I can do this. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, but you know the truth sweet girl. You know I am a shadowl of the person I used to be. You know that I am nothing without you. You know that I need you back. I am so sorry. I love you more than words can say. I would give anything to have you back. I hope you are ok. I hope you are warm. I love you.