Wednesday, February 19, 2014

What a Difference a Year Makes

She should be 6 months old today. She should have sat in a shopping cart for the first time today like I did with Lyvi on her 6 month birthday. She should have eaten sweet potatoes and maybe some banana as a treat. She should have had a million and one pictures taken so that I would always remember what 6 month old Violet looked like. She would have been crawling now. She was so close. She just needed a few more days, and she would have taken off. My baby will never been 6 months old. She will forever be 5 1/2 months. She will never be a day older than that. Forever frozen as my sweet 5 month 12 day old baby girl. The timing of things with Vi is insane. I opened up my Timehop app (shows what you did on your social media that day in prior years) and 1 year ago today I announced that I was pregnant with her. Exactly 6 months later I had her. And now 6 months later I am mourning her loss. What a difference a year makes. 

Today was a hard day. I knew it was going to be. I have been dreading today since the day she died. I knew I needed to sit in The Chair all day long. Lyvi appeased me for most of the morning. She sat with me and we watched a few shows. Eventually she got bored and started playing. She is really into hide and seek lately. She decided to hide from me without telling me. I could not find her anywhere. I looked in every single spot and still couldn't find her. I started to panic. I searched and searched. I ran downstairs, looked in every single room, behind curtains, in bathtubs, under beds, in closets, every single place I could think to look. I went in the backyard and the garage. I really started to panic. As I was running to the front door to look outside I had a moment of complete insanity and thought, "please don't tell me that I dreamed her too. Please." This is how my mind works now. I honestly believe sometimes that I dreamt Vi up. That I never really had her. How could I have had the most perfect baby, my soulmate, my missing piece, and just like that she's gone. Poof. Gone. I just do not understand how this happened. How can she be gone? To finish the story, as I was looking up and down our streets I looked back at the front door and Lyvi was standing there. I made her take me to where she was. Apparently she was hidden in the back of my nephews closet. I had a firm talk with her and hopefully I scared her enough that she won't do that again. Also, my brother in law installed toddler proof locks on all the doors that lead outside. Crisis averted. 

She has been gone for 20 days today. I am really struggling with where she is. Where is she? I never really thought about what happened to a person's soul after they died before now. Now it is all that I think about. I do know that she has to be somewhere. Her little spirit is too fierce to just be gone. Do I believe in heaven as a place in the fluffy white clouds with castles and unicorns. Not so much. Do I believe in reincarnation? Maybe. The only thing that kind of feels right to me is that her soul is with me. I feel like her soul was always a part of me, so it makes sense that she went back into me. Into my heart, to wait until I get to join her. From there I have no idea. I do feel like children take a piece of their mother and father's souls and if they die before their parents, that a part of them goes back with their parents. But, I also think she is everywhere. All around. With everyone who loved her. I don't always feel her, but I hope that's because I'm not ready to quite yet. She sent me the honey bee. That is enough for right now.

Lyvi asked about her tonight in bed. This is how our conversation went;

Lyvi: "Where Baby Vi at???"
Me: "Baby Vi is in your heart"
       "No! Baby vi go to doctor."
       "Baby Vi did go to the doctor. Baby Vi was very sick. She's not sick anymore though." 
       "Go see Baby Vi?"
       "We don't get to bring Baby Vi home anymore. But, we can always talk about her, and remember that she is in our hearts"
       "Oh, yes! Baby Vi in Lyvi heart?"
       "Yes baby girl."
       "Baby Vi in mommy heart?"
       "Baby Vi in Daddy heart?"
       "Yes honey."
        "Baby Vi in Aunt Angie heart?"
And, from here she named every single family member. I told her yes every single time. Then she said, "Lyvi in Baby Vi's heart?" UGH. Gut punch. I told her of course she is in Baby Vi's heart. Of course. She doesn't really understand. She wants Baby Vi back. I want Baby Vi back with every cell in my body. She really wanted to see Baby Vi, so we looked at pictures. She loved it. I let her watch a video of Vi. She was so excited. She yelled, "Baby Vi crazy!!" I used to say that all the time to Lyvi. She still remembers. I hope she never forgets. There is no handbook on what to say to a 2 1/2 year old after their baby sister dies. I have no idea if what I am telling her is right. We talk about Violet everyday. I tell her that Vi got sick and had to go away. I tell her that Vi will always be in her heart. I don't know what else to say to her. I just tell her the truth.

Violet got to live outside of my body for 166 days, almost to the hour. 166 days was all that I got with Vi. Well no, actually, I had her for longer than that. I loved her from the second I found out I was pregnant. Scratch that, I loved her from the second I had Lyvi and knew that my Violet was waiting for her turn. I loved her before I had her, and I will love her for eternity. 

Oh sweet girl. Today was hard. Really hard.  The whole incident with your sister hiding and me thinking I dreamt both of you up completely threw me over the edge. I just need you back. I need you here with me. It isn't fair that this happened to you. I will never accept that you died. That will never be ok with me. I hope you are with your daddy. He's in Alaska for work. I miss him. Lyvi misses him. We all miss you. I hate this. I am trying so hard not to crumble. Not to have a meltdown. Please keep me strong. But, please let me grieve you. I need to grieve you. And please understand when I do have a meltdown. I truly hope that you are at peace. I hope that you aren't sad and angry like me. I hope that if there is a reason for all of this (which i highly doubt) that you know that reason and that you are ok. And, even if there isn't a reason for this I hope you are ok. I wouldn't blame you if you are sad and angry. What happened to you is not ok. It will never be ok. You should not have died. You should be here with your family. You should be a big crazy crawling 6 month old. I miss you. My bracelet has about had it. It's falling apart. I don't know what to do with it. I might put it in the little box the hospital sent with your hand molds. I'm not ready to take it off yet, but the damn thing is about to fall off. I might just let it be until it falls off itself. That seems right. I miss you so much sweetheart. So much. I would give anything to have you back. I tried to sell my soul last night just to get you back. It didn't work. I know it doesn't work that way, but I will keep trying. I love you. I hope you are ok. I hope you are warm. I love you.


  1. I hate this. I hate that you are going through this. This makes me so incredibly mad. Why did this have to happen. I can feel her warmth just looking at pictures of her. She is beautiful mama. She is with you. She is watching over you. Keep looking for signs, because she will keep sending them,
    I will be praying for you...praying for whatever it is that you need to help you to continue living. Lots of love <3

  2. Your daughter is beautiful! <3 I am so sorry mama.