Sunday, February 23, 2014

This is Nonsense

I'm having a hard time. Obviously. I just don't understand this. What did we do to deserve this? We are good, honest, kind people. We love completely and without fear. We are good people. We don't steal, cheat, murder, or judge. Violet was the purest soul I have ever encountered. She had such pure joy and love that radiated from her. She did not deserve this. She deserves to be here. She was cheated in the worst way possible. Cheated out of the life that she deserved. We were cheated out of the life we should have had with her. Lyvi was cheated out of the best sister in the world. Rich was cheated out of his mini me. I was cheated out of my soul mate. The universe cheated me. It let me sit here and feel like I had everything I could have ever hoped for. I believed that I was going to have the life that I always dreamt about. It made me believe that I was the luckiest person to have ever existed. And, I was. I still am. I am so lucky that Violet is mine. I am so lucky that she chose me to be her mom. But, I have been cheated. In the worst possible way. My baby was snatched up in the blink of an eye. She was taken away from me so fast that I cannot even believe that I ever really had her. I know I had her. I know she grew inside of me. I know I had her for the most amazing 5 months and 12 days. But, I don't have her anymore. At least not in the way that I so need her. It takes my breath away, literally. I have to remind myself to breath. But, I don't want to breath if she isn't breathing. I don't want to breath with such ease when the last hours of her life were agonizing for her. The sounds of her trying to breath will haunt me forever. It should have been me struggling for every breath. Not her. Not my perfect baby. This couldn't have really happened to her. There is no way that I will ever fully believe that this is real. That this really happened. I will always hope that I am somewhere in a coma, dreaming all of this up, and she is healthy and growing and happy. I will always expect that she will come back to me one day. I wouldn't be surprised at all if one day I wake up and she is laying next to me. It stuns me every morning that I wake up and she isn't there.

Lyvi and I went to my niece's birthday party at a pool yesterday. It was so hard for me to be there. It doesn't help that right as I turned the car on "Pompeii" started on the radio. Every time without fail. I'm starting to think maybe it is her doing that. Or it's just the universe being a dick. The universe is such an asshole. I had a good cry on the way there, but managed to pull myself together when we got there. Being out in public is so surreal. None of those people have any idea that my baby died 3 weeks ago. None of them know that I am struggling just to breath. There were so many cute babies there. Violet would have loved the water. She never got to go swimming. There was this adorable little girl there, she was probably a year old. She had the chubbiest thighs and bubble butt. I know that's what Vi's legs and butt would have looked like at that age. I couldn't stop looking at that sweet girl and thinking of my Violet. I kept asking myself why this happened to us. To her. Why did she get taken away from us, when all these other families have their babies still. Why can some douche bag with a tattoo across his chest that says "White Pride" be allowed to keep his kids, but our baby was taken away? It doesn't make any sense. It is complete and utter nonsense. There is no reason for this. Don't tell me God has a bigger plan for her. Don't tell me she is up in heaven being cradled by Jesus. Don't tell me she has her angel wings. None of this helps me. None of this comforts me. Nothing comforts me, but that shit pisses me off. She should be here with me. End of Story. 

The only thing that gives me any sort of comfort is this :

This makes sense to me. She may be gone, but her energy isn't. "No energy is created in the universe and none is destroyed."She was here before she was born, and she is here still after she died. She was a part of me before I knew that she was mine, and she will always be a part of me. Her energy will forever live on. I hope one day I'm more open to feeling her presence. I hope one day she will show me without a shadow of a doubt that she is still with me. I hope that right now the wound is too fresh, too deep, for me to be open to any sort of comfort. I hope that she will know when the time is right, when I can handle it, and if that time ever comes I hope that she will embrace me in her warmth. In her everlasting energy. I hope someday, I will find some comfort. Because, right now nothing comforts me. Yes, I believe that her energy is still here, but it doesn't comfort me. It just makes sense to me. The only thing that could comfort me right now is her being dropped back into my lap, where she belongs. 

I'm sorry that I'm so bitter sweetheart. I know you understand why. None of this is fair. None of this is ok. I wish so much that you were here. I know you would have loved sitting in the shallow water and splashing. I know you would have laughed at Milo and Lyvi running around being crazy. You would have been so damn cute in a little swimsuit. Everyone would have commented on your huge thighs. I miss you so much. Is it you playing Pompeii for me all the time? I hope so. I have a feeling that all of this is going to get much much worse for me before anything gets better. Your daddy is home now, and that helps. But, it also makes me realize how much is missing. We were all cuddling on the couch last night and I couldn't help but be sad. You are missing. You should have been cuddled up with us, pulling Lyvi's hair, trying to eat my face, yelling at your dad. This is so awful. I'm so sorry. I will never forgive myself for this. Yes, I know logically that it isn't my fault. I didn't make this happen. I couldn't have prevented it. But, I also didn't save you. I am your mama and I am supposed to keep you safe. I love you my sweet girl. Forever. 


  1. I'm so sorry, Michelle.I hope that you can find some comfort somehow.

  2. I love reading your posts, I can see your strong bond you and violet have it is really special. I have nothing to offer for comfort I have no words to say but I recognize the LOVE every time you speak of her and it's so special.