Monday, February 17, 2014

I'm a Disaster

The last couple of days have been really hard. I miss her so much. I've been out of the house quite a bit lately, and for some reason that makes me feel guilty. Should I really be out of the house, acting like everything is normal, when in reality nothing is normal. Nothing will ever be normal again. I know in my head that I am not ok. On the outside I look fine, but  my head is a disaster. I was at walmart today getting Lyvi play dough. It was so surreal to be there, to have so many people around me going about their daily lives. Happy as can be, when in my head I am screaming. I am a disaster. All of these people have no idea that my baby died 16 days ago. They have no idea that this completely normal looking lady is an absolute disaster. They have no idea that my world ceases to exist. It is so strange. It makes me wonder if I have been in a store, before I was a member of this club, and walked past a parent who had just lost their child and I had no idea that their world was at a standstill. That they were screaming on the inside. That at any second they could have a complete meltdown. 

I'm waiting for my meltdown. I haven't had a total and complete meltdown since the first few days. I know it will happen. I can feel it brewing. I almost had one when I was wandering Target to find Valentines things to put on her grave. I know it will happen, I just hope it doesn't happen when I am somewhere alone with Lyvi. I hope that my mom brain will kick in and at least let me get her home before I break. I'm a disaster waiting to happen. 

Certain things you'd think would be a trigger for a mom who just lost her baby aren't bad for me. I was able to walk into the hospital, stand right by the room where it all happened, and I stayed calm. I wasn't even close to breaking. It was, in a way, comforting to be back there. It was the last place I held her before she died. I can see other peoples babies and I'm ok. But I still can't listen to music. I used to play music constantly. I don't know why that is a trigger for me. A lot of grieving parents find comfort in watching videos of their child, but I can't watch many videos yet. I have watched a few, but I know my limits. I am so happy I have all the videos. I plan to watch them all at some point. But not until I'm ready. I didn't drive for over 2 weeks. The thought of looking in my rear view mirror, seeing the little monkey mirror on the backseat, and Vi not being there was too much. It made me sick. It still makes me sick. I have driven now, but its not easy. I look in the rear view mirror and honestly expect Vi to be there. Screaming at that damn monkey. It shocks me every single time I look and she isn't there. Every time I hear a helicopter my heart races. It's happened 3 times now. It seems weird to me that out of the handful of times I have left the house that there has been a helicopter 3 times. I'm sure there have always been that many helicopters and I just never noticed them. Because they were just helicopters. Now they aren't just helicopters. They are a reminder of that day. They are a reminder that my Violet is gone. For the first little while just the sight of her soap sent me over the edge. I bought her that soap for her Christmas stocking. It's almost all the way full still. She barely got to use it. But, now I use that soap. I smell like her. I like to smell her. I hope at some point all of these triggers will be like her soap. Maybe someday I will find comfort in the things that remind me of her.

I miss you baby girl. I wish you were here screaming at me. I would give anything to be pacing the floor while you had an ultraviolet meltdown. Lyvi misses you too. She asked about you a few times today. She gets sad when I tell her that you got very sick and had to go away. I tell her that you are in her heart, because you are. I know you are still here with us. Not in the way that I so badly need you to be. Not in the way that you deserve to be. But, I know you are still here. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't make you better. I will try my hardest not to let the anger and guilt consume me. I miss you so much I literally ache. All over. I miss you. I hope you are safe and warm. Love you so much my Violetta Villalobos. 

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