Saturday, February 15, 2014

Pictures Tell the Story

Ever since I got pregnant with Lyvi I have taken pictures non stop. I have thousands of pictures starting from my pregnancy with Lyvi up until January 31, 2014. I have weekly belly pictures from both pregnancies, daily pictures of my girls, tons of videos of them, but it will never be enough. The pictures stop abruptly on January 31st. This is the last picture I took of Vi when she was still my healthy happy baby.

She was starting to get grumpy and wanted to chew on my finger. This was around 7 PM on January 30th. The last 2 pictures of Vi on my phone are heartbreaking. One is her in my arms at the hospital, with the little nasal canula on her. The last one is a picture that a hospital worker took for me after Vi had crashed. She took it to comfort me, she thought she was being kind. She didn't know Vi, so she didn't realize that the light had left her already. She was already gone. Her heart was beating, but only because of all the medicine they pumped into her. She was gone. It is just the top half of her face. She has tape around her mouth from the tube they put in her throat to try to keep her breathing. There are little tubes up her nose. Her eyes are partly open, but the light is gone. Her precious beautiful soul had already left her little body. I'm thankful for this. I am glad that she didn't have to endure the beating that her little body underwent to try to keep her here. It is a kindness that whatever higher power there is took her out of her body. I can't bring myself to delete this picture. I know it probably isn't healthy to keep it. But, how am I supposed to delete the last picture that was ever taken of my baby? I know it isn't really her. I know that she was already gone. Maybe I will delete it someday. I don't know. I know that isn't how I want to remember her. But I can't bring myself to delete it. 

I hope I can start taking pictures again someday. Lyvi deserves to have pictures taken of her again. Since Vi died I have only taken a few pictures. A couple of my favorite flowers we got, one of the dress we buried her in, and one of the things I put on her grave for Valentine's day. I can't imagine taking pictures. That means life is going on without Violet. My camera roll will fill up with pictures, but none of those will be pictures of my sweet Violet. I have tons of pictures of Vi, but not enough. Not nearly enough. I should have a lifetime of pictures of her. Instead I have 5 1/2 months worth of pictures of her. The pictures stop abruptly on January 31st, just like my life. 

My life has stopped. The day after Vi died I talked to her pediatrician, Dr. N. His son tragically passed away a few years ago, so he is one of the unlucky few who know what I am going through. He was the first one to put into words what is going through my mess of a mind. He told me that my world has stopped, but that everyone else is still moving. That is exactly how this feels. I feel like I'm in one of those scenes of a movie, where someone is standing in the middle of a New York sidewalk and people are zooming by. I know life goes on for everyone else. It has to. Babies and kids die everyday. My life has gone on when other people have lost children. Now my life ceases to exist.

 I move for Lyvi. I do things for Lyvi. I take her out of the house. But. Its not really me. I put a smile on my face for her. She genuinely makes me happy. She lost her sister. That breaks my already broken heart. My sisters are such a huge part of my life and I was so looking forward to watching their relationship blossom. I knew they would fight like crazy, but they would love like crazy too. It makes me so mad. It is so fucked up. Not only did I have to watch my beautiful baby die right in front of my eyes, but now I have to watch her big sister grow up without her. That will never be ok. It is one of an unending list of things in my life that will never be ok. 

It has been 15 days baby girl. It feels like just yesterday, but it feels like a lifetime. Only someone who is part of this stupid club knows what I mean. I hate this. I hate that this happened to you. It is not fair. I can't sleep without you. I can't breath without you. Where are you? I wish so badly that I was one of those people that had undying faith in God. I struggled with that before you were so violently ripped away from me. I know you are somewhere. You have to be somewhere. I tell your sister that you will always be in our hearts. And I truly believe that. I know you are with us still. Your blankets still smell like you. It will rip me apart when they don't anymore. I'm not ready to dream of you yet, but I hope one day I am. And, I hope you will come to me in my dreams when that day comes. I love you so much sweetie. I miss you. I hate that this happened to you. 

1 comment:

  1. Michelle, you probably don't remember me, I'm a friend of your sister Lisa. I heard about everything the day after it happened. I was moving that day, but it was in the back of my mind all day long. A couple days later I heard the details. I thought about posting my condolencses on Facebook, but everything I thought about saying didn't seem right. I heard about your blog and made up my mind not to read it, that it would be too hard to read. But it too has been in the back of my mind all day until I had to give in and read. I am sitting on my couch as I read your posts and I'm weeping. Something stuck out on this particular post to me though, and I think I finally know what to say. You said your doctor put into words what you are feeling, that your world has stopped and the rest of the world is going on all around you. I want you to know that, while that is true to an extent, you are not alone. Every day since I heard about your sweet Vi my heart has been with you. I have cried almost every day for you, I have prayed for you, you and your family are constantly in the back of my mind. I know you probably think I'm some crazy person that doesn't know you well or what you're going through......And you're right, I don't know what it's like to lose a child personally. But I know what it's like to be the 2 year old sister. My mother lost my sweet little sister as a baby, and I was 2. I remember my parents coming home from the hospital, and wondering where my baby sister was. I remember my moms heartache and not completely understanding what was going on and why my parents were so sad. I remember how protective my mother became after that, with me, and my future younger siblings. I know she was never the same because of it.

    I do not know what it's like to lose a child, but I do know what it's like to have your world stop. My mom and best friend passed away unexpectedly just 2 days before my second child was born. My world stopped. I spoke to her just two hours before she passed, and she was fine. For months I asked myself the same questions, was it all a horrible nightmare, why couldn't I wake up? Was my mom going to walk through my door any minute and ask what was wrong with me? That year was the worst year of my life. I'll never forget, Michael Jackson passed away a few months after my mom, and my husband coming home asking if I'd heard the news. I lost it, how could he possibly care about some dumb celebrity when my heart was aching so bad for someone we actually knew and loved. Each milestone my child hit, I thought of my mom, and how she was missing it and not able to see her grandchild. My life was over.

    I know that is not the same as losing your own child, but I hope you can find just the slightest bit of comfort in the fact that not all the world is continuing the same. There are those who feel your pain, and weep with you. My own husband does not understand how I can cry everyday for someone I don't know very well. But I can't help it, the pain I experienced with losing my mom is something I would never wish on my worst enemy! Every time someone loses a loved one I grieve too. It's something you have to go through to truly understand. Time has helped me heal for the most part, but there will always be a hole in my heart, there's always the questions of "What if?" or the "I should have done this.....", every holiday is bittersweet, every birthday...... My mom was young, she shouldn't be gone. Just as your sweet Vi shouldn't. Your world has stopped, and it will take a long time to feel apart of it all again, and that's ok, trust me, it takes a long time, but you are not alone. You and you're family are in my heart and prayers. I hope you can someday find the thing that will bring you peace and comfort. I'm so sorry you have to endure this, no mother should. You are a strong and amazing person to post your thoughts and feelings.