The First of Many...

Today is Valentine's Day. The first of many thing you will never get to experience. I should have dressed you up in an over the top Valentine's outfit and had your Aunt Lisa take 6 month pictures of you. That had been my plan for months. Instead your dad, sister, and I wandered Target for things to put on your grave. I had to buy things to put on my daughters grave. That sentence will never sound normal. 

I'm so mad. I am so mad about all the things you will never get to experience. You will never have real food. I was going to give you real food this week. I was going to go buy a big organic sweet potato and puree it for you. You would have loved it. I know you would have. You were such a chunk and you had been trying to steal my food for weeks. You will never get to eat a piece of candy. You will never get to run away from me in a store. You will never get to go to school. You will never get to annoy your big sister just for fun. You will never get to have a sleep over. You will never get to go to a high school dance. You will never get your heart broken. You will never have babies of your own. This list is never ending. You were so full of life. You would have done so much in your life. I am so mad. 

This time 2 weeks ago things started to get really scary. You were getting so much worse way too fast. I knew things were bad. But, I had no idea how bad things were about to get. Those last few hours are such a blur. I know that they gave you another breathing treatment and it didn't do anything. Your heart was racing. You were breathing so fast. I knew you were getting tired. I knew you had been working too hard for too long. I knew you needed help. I was desperate. But, there was nothing else they could do. They had done everything they could do at that hospital. At the time I didn't think about it, but now that I look back your last nurse Mindy knew how bad things were. She stayed in the room with us the whole time. She had tears in her eyes. Your legs started getting splotchy. I thought it was a rash. I remember thinking "Oh great, she's having a reaction to something, this is the last thing we need." Mindy kept rubbing the splotches, and I kept asking what that rash is. All she would say is "We'll keep an eye on it," and she would gently rub your chubby little legs. Now I know what that "rash" was. That is what happens when people are dying. Now I know. 

I am so mad this happened to you. It shouldn't have happened. I hate when people tell me you are in a better place. I know that gives comfort to some people. It comforts your daddy. But, it does not comfort me. You should be in my arms. What better place could there be than your mama's arms. I'm so sorry baby girl. I hate this. I hate that this happened to you. I love you. I miss you more everyday. every second. It gets harder everyday.