Thursday, February 13, 2014

My Violet, My Sweet Violet

When I got pregnant with Lyvi I thought for sure she was a boy. And, I was fine with that. When we found out she was a girl I was shocked. And, so so excited. When I got pregnant with Violet everything was different with her pregnancy, so my logical mind thought she was probably a boy. But my heart knew. My heart always knew my Violet was in there. We found out she was a girl and Rich didn't believe it at first. The second time the doctor confirmed we were having a girl he finally believed it. But, I always knew. From the start I always knew I was meant to have my Violet. 

Lyvi was so calm in the womb. She hardly moved at all. I had to do kick counts just to make sure she was ok in there. Her pregnancy was routine, very low stress. She was breech and we ended up having a planned c-section. I never had a real contraction with Lyvi. We went in on July 11, 2011 and had our beautiful Lyvi-loo. Violet's pregnancy was the exact opposite of Lyvi's. I felt Violet moving early, crazy early. So early that I wouldn't let myself believe it was her moving until I got to 12 weeks. I was terrified I was going to lose Violet early on in the pregnancy, and those fears became real to me when my progesterone was low. It wasn't scary low, but it was low enough that my doctor prescribed progesterone pills. I took them and a zofran (anti-nausea, its hard to throw up all day when you have to chase a crazy toddler around) everyday and we made it out of the first trimester. Everything was going great from here. Dr. J was concerned about my cervix since I have had more than a few procedures on mine, so I  had frequent ultrasounds. Everything was great with Vi. I was mentally and physically a mess, but that was fine as long as my baby was healthy. Then at 30 weeks Dr. J checked my cervix and found that it was soft. He didn't like this so he gave me steroid shots for her lungs and prescribed weekly progesterone shots. At about this point Lyvi and I caught a yucky tummy bug. Puking, diarrhea, and overall yuck. I was so caught up in taking care of Lyvi that I didn't realize how sick I was. I ended up in Labor and Delivery at 32 weeks for frequent consistent contractions. After a couple of shots they were able to get them to stop. I was put on bed rest. This was a challenge since I had a toddler. Luckily between Rich, Lisa and Angie (my sisters), and my mom I was able to stay in bed. At 36 weeks Dr. J told me I was fine to move around. I truly thought we were going to make it to our scheduled c-section date at 39 weeks. But, Violet threw us for a loop and my water broke at 37 weeks 3 days.We went to the hospital and Violet was born by c-section .

 She was perfect. Beautiful. Feisty. She would not lay in her bassinet. No way. She had to be on my person. I was in heaven. How could it get any better? I had 2 perfect beautiful girls. They were so different. Lyvi was the calmest baby ever. She slept through the night right away. She was always content. She rarely cried, and if she did I was able to calm her down almost immediately. Violet on the other hand was so feisty. She could cry. And, she did. The first 2 months of her life was mostly filled with crying and nursing. Her tummy just wasn't quite ready for life on the outside so she got lots of tummy aches. But oh man, when that little girl was happy it was infectious. She had the best smile. Brightest happiest eyes. Eventually the crying spells slowed down. She just got happier and happier. She was still very particular about how she was held and who was holding her. There was an elite list of people who were allowed to hold her. She lived on my person. I wore her in a Moby wrap a lot. She wouldn't sleep soundly at night unless she was laying next to me. She nursed multiple times a night. I was in heaven. 

The days and weeks flew by. Before I knew it Violet was a real baby. She was playing with toys, laughing, interacting with her sister, sitting up, and almost crawling. She was so amazing. So full of life. She was healthy. She never got sick... until she got sick. 

My  Violet, my Sweet Violet. Baby girl, you gave me everything I ever needed. Between you and your sister I was content. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. You taught me so much about life and how to live. You were stubborn, determined. You didn't let anything slow you down. You made sure everyone knew how you were feeling. You always got your way. You had everyone wrapped around your chubby little fingers. Everyone who met you instantly knew how special you were. I don't know how I am going to live my life without you. I can't breath. I can't sleep. Your spot in my bed is so empty. It radiates with emptiness. I am empty. When you left a huge chunk of me went with you. Life will never be as good as it should have been. I will try to be the mom I know Lyvi needs. I know you wouldn't want me to abandon your big sister. But, I will never be the mom I was when you were here too. I will never be the same person. The world destroyed me when it took you away. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I miss you with every cell of my body. I wish so much that this wasn't real. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that you are gone. Forever. This isn't temporary. You are gone. I hope you are safe. I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.

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