For my own peace of mind I feel I need to clarify a few things from my last post. First off, I write for me. And, for Violet. If you take anything I write personally then you are reading the wrong blog. I stated in my post that all of my thoughts are irrational. I said that in plain english. I reread my post and can see how it could be misinterpreted. So, let me clear a couple things up. What I truly meant by all of that nonsense was that given the choice right now to get Violet back or have a new baby, I would choose Vi. I would choose Violet a million times. Because, I had her and lost her. I love her with every piece of my heart and soul. I do not know or love any future children I may have, but that does not mean that I wouldn't love any future child. Of course I would. Just like with Lyvi and Violet, if I see a positive pregnancy test I will instantly love that life inside of me. But, for right now, in this moment, I want Violet back. I would choose Violet. I would rip out my uterus and ovaries right now and never have another child again if it meant I could get Violet back. I was in NO WAY diminishing anyone else's loss or grief. My loss and grief has NOTHING to do with anyone else. Everyone's loss is unique and individual. No one reacts exactly the same way. Having a stillborn, a premie, an infant, a toddler, a child, a teen, or an adult child die is an unspeakable tragedy. No matter the age or way of the death, a grieving parent is a grieving parent. We are in this together. We are supposed to support each other and understand that we are going to say irrational things without thinking it through all the way. I am sorry if I have offended anyone, but this is my place. Yes, I probably should have read what I wrote before posting it and maybe explained myself a little bit better, but I didn't. Because this is therapeutic and it helps my shattered heart. I write what I need to write and if you don't like it then stop reading, because obviously even though you are on my "team" you aren't really on my team.
Sorry for that little tangent my darling girl. I'm worn out tonight, emotionally. I need to lay on the couch and lose myself in mindless TV. I love you so much. Oh, before I go let me tell you what your sister said to me today. It's been a hard day. We were driving to the store when I suddenly had a cry attack. It started out quiet but quickly turned into heaving sobs and huge crocodile tears. Lyvi, being the sweet little thing she is, told me to calm down. "Calm down mommy. Stop crying. It ok, Baby Vi in the stars." I'd be so lost without her. Stay close to her please. I miss you my fat baby, I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.
You are allowed to write exactly what you NEED to write in that moment. As your mother I am so upset that someone could bully you... it is unfair. You do not always have to be rational. I will not say more because I know that grieving mother took your post wrong, she is in a different place in her grief. Keep writing Michelle. I love you, Rich and our Lyvi Loo Hoo. She is right, Vi is waiting for you in the stars. We just have to look up and see and feel her.
ReplyDeleteWrite whatever you need to write, don't censor your grief. I'm sorry for whatever happened to spur this post. You can't please everyone , and right now especially, all you need to do is whatever helps you. What Lyvi said brought me to tears. She is so sweet, and so right. Sending you extra love, Michelle. I'm always here if you need anything at all.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you were trying to say. I am the same way. When I write it all down sometimes it sounds all jumbled. You have ever right to write how you feel even though sometimes it doesn't make sense to some people. I am the same way. I have to write everything down or I would explode, I learned the hard way. That is what "your" blog is for is to write whatever you want to write.
ReplyDeleteYou write to get through this horrible pain and conflicting feelings... It is YOUR thoughts and your heart and soul that you are bearing. No rights or wrongs here, just pain and raw emotion. You do not need to answer to anyone. Vi knows your heart, and so do those who love you. I wish somehow I could help.
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