For my own peace of mind I feel I need to clarify a few things from my last post. First off, I write for me. And, for Violet. If you take anything I write personally then you are reading the wrong blog. I stated in my post that all of my thoughts are irrational. I said that in plain english. I reread my post and can see how it could be misinterpreted. So, let me clear a couple things up. What I truly meant by all of that nonsense was that given the choice right now to get Violet back or have a new baby, I would choose Vi. I would choose Violet a million times. Because, I had her and lost her. I love her with every piece of my heart and soul. I do not know or love any future children I may have, but that does not mean that I wouldn't love any future child. Of course I would. Just like with Lyvi and Violet, if I see a positive pregnancy test I will instantly love that life inside of me. But, for right now, in this moment, I want Violet back. I would choose Violet. I would rip out my uterus and ovaries right now and never have another child again if it meant I could get Violet back. I was in NO WAY diminishing anyone else's loss or grief. My loss and grief has NOTHING to do with anyone else. Everyone's loss is unique and individual. No one reacts exactly the same way. Having a stillborn, a premie, an infant, a toddler, a child, a teen, or an adult child die is an unspeakable tragedy. No matter the age or way of the death, a grieving parent is a grieving parent. We are in this together. We are supposed to support each other and understand that we are going to say irrational things without thinking it through all the way. I am sorry if I have offended anyone, but this is my place. Yes, I probably should have read what I wrote before posting it and maybe explained myself a little bit better, but I didn't. Because this is therapeutic and it helps my shattered heart. I write what I need to write and if you don't like it then stop reading, because obviously even though you are on my "team" you aren't really on my team.
Sorry for that little tangent my darling girl. I'm worn out tonight, emotionally. I need to lay on the couch and lose myself in mindless TV. I love you so much. Oh, before I go let me tell you what your sister said to me today. It's been a hard day. We were driving to the store when I suddenly had a cry attack. It started out quiet but quickly turned into heaving sobs and huge crocodile tears. Lyvi, being the sweet little thing she is, told me to calm down. "Calm down mommy. Stop crying. It ok, Baby Vi in the stars." I'd be so lost without her. Stay close to her please. I miss you my fat baby, I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.