Pompeii

Right after Christmas I made a little video for my Instagram about how great our year was. It was pictures of Lyvi, my pregnancy, Violet's birth, her life up to that point, and our family pictures. I used the Bastille song "Pompeii." I loved that song the first time I heard it. It just struck a chord with me. I loved the lyrics, even though they really didn't relate to my life at all. Ever since Violet died I have heard that song everywhere. I know it is still a popular song, but it has been everywhere since we lost her. It plays every time I'm in the car. It plays in stores while I'm there. My sister randomly started singing it out of nowhere one day. It is just everywhere. I haven't been able to listen to it though, I either change the station, try to tune it out at the store, or tell my sister to shut up. Today though, I finally gave in. I had taken Lyvi to lunch and while we were there a nice lady came up and was talking to Lyvi. She said something along the lines of, "Oh how fun! A mommy/daughter date." How can we  be having a mommy/daughter date when one of my daughters is missing? I have 2 daughters, not just one. I should be on a mommy/daughter date with both of my girls. I cried in Zupas while trying to make everything seem normal. Like I hadn't just lost my daughter 3 weeks ago. After that we left and went to visit my sisters. I was so sad. I felt so guilty for taking Lyvi anywhere without Violet. It felt so wrong. I know it isn't. I know I have to make life as normal as possible for her. So, if that means I have to cry in Zupas then I guess that is what I will do. When we got in the car to leave my sisters house I was trying so hard to hold it together. I was on the verge of a breakdown and I didn't want to do that in the car. Right then, Pompeii came on the radio. Instead of changing it I turned it up. I finally listened to the damn song that has been haunting me. I cried. Hard. Harder than I have in awhile. The lyrics take on a completely new meaning now:

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

When I close my eyes I can almost feel her. I can almost smell her. When I close my eyes I can almost feel like nothing has changed at all. I can feel like I am in a place I have been before, when she was still here. When she was still alive. But, then I open my eyes. And, reality sinks in. The dark clouds roll in and I remember that this is my reality. This is my life now. All of my walls tumble down. I crumble again. How am I gonna be an optimist about this? 

My sweet girl. You have been gone for 3 weeks. They have been the worst 3 weeks of my life. The absolute worst. I'm a mess. A complete disaster. Not having you hurts so much that I truly do not know how I am still alive. How can a person be in so much pain, but still be breathing. Still be living. How can I still be living when you died? Right in front of my eyes. How can a mother still live after their child dies? But, I guess really, I'm not living. Not in the way that I used to be. I will never live the way I did before I lost you. I will never live the way I did when my life was perfect and I had everything I could ever dream of. I will never live the life I was supposed to have, because your life was taken away from you. It is so unfair. You should not have died. It makes absolutely no sense. None. You are supposed to be here. You were supposed to grow up, do amazing things, and grieve when I die. Not the other way around. I shouldn't be the one grieving you. It makes no sense. I miss you so much that I am in literal physical pain. All the time. Everything hurts. But, nothing hurts more than my heart. I don't understand how my heart is still beating when it hurts so bad. I know I need to live for your sister and your dad. I know that. But I don't want to live this life without you. I'm so sorry sweetheart. I am so sorry this happened to you and that I couldn't save you. I miss you desperately. I hope you are safe and warm. I don't know if it is you making me hear Pompeii everywhere. Maybe? If so, thank you. Even though it's hard for me to hear because it makes me think of you and everything we had. I'm so sorry you were cheated out of the wonderful life I could see for you. I love you. I will always love you.