So, that's where my head's at. I bet you're glad you aren't me right about now, huh. So, in short, having one kid is infinitely more difficult than having two, and I am very aware that if we have another child it may die. Also, if given the choice I would take Violet over a future imaginary child any day. Hands down. But, that is not an option. So, I would like to have another child and cross all my fingers and toes and anything else that can cross, that future imaginary child doesn't die. I say some pretty morbid things lately and I'm not going to apologize for it. I get to have sudden random cry attacks at very inopportune times. Like at a bridal shower in front of lots of happy women who don't have any idea why that crazy lady just started bawling and ran to the bathroom at the sight of a cute little baby. Or, in Wendover at a table eating buffet food (while being very very intoxicated) and randomly telling the table of men next to us to get their Flu shots because my baby died of Influenza A. (That one was kinda my fault, but also kind of not. I think I can tell whoever I want about Violet and spout off about how everyone who is over 6 months of age and not immunocompromised needs to get their goddamn flu shot.) So, no. I'm not going to apologize for saying awful morbid things because I'm entitled. I have a get out of jail free card for all social situations. Because my baby died.
I'm bordering on the angry side again my sweet girl. I can't possibly be as sad as I need to be, because I am convinced it would kill me. So, eventually it bubbles over into angerville. I like the Anger better than the mind blowing sadness. At least I can write a ton of gibberish and make awful morbid jokes and tell random people to get a fucking flu shot. The sadness cripples me, whereas the anger keeps me going. I'm just so mad that this happened to you. I watch the videos of you and my brain turns to mush. I just cannot comprehend how you were mine and you were here and I was so insanely in love with you, and then in 20 short hours (longest hours of my life) you were gone. Just like that. Poof. No more Violetta Villalobos. And, it fucking sucks. So much. I miss you so much sweetie pie honey buns. I would give anything to have you back. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.