Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter?

More like fucking awful Easter. It actually kind of shocked me how awful it was. Usually the days that I expect to be the worst aren't. The bad ones tend to sneak up on ya. But, today was just as dreadfully awful as I expected. I hated every second of it. I, of course, loved watching Lyvi have fun and be adorable. But, it was so very obvious that Violet was missing. The void was palpable. On Saturday Lyvi and I went to an Easter egg hunt with my friend/BFF/sister/soul mate Shay and her adorable fiery red heads. I felt so naked. It felt like everyone there could see my shattered heart and jagged soul. I didn't know what to do with my arms. I should have been holding Vi. It should have been a chaotic mess of me chasing an almost 3 year old and an 8 month old. She would have been 8 months old yesterday. Instead Lyvi was very well behaved and I stood there with my arms folded, unfolded, at my sides, in my pockets, hugging Shay, holding Lyvi's hand when she would let me. But, never holding my sweet Violet like I should have been. I felt so naked. Here are a few pics of Lyvi, I tried to snap a couple with the reds but didn't manage to get a good one. 

How could I not keep going when I have that beautiful amazing weird little girl? I have to. But, it is so very very hard. I managed to only have one real break down today, and it happened to be after my shower and Lyvi's bath. I just lost it. In front of her. I try not to break in front of her. It's a delicate balance. I don't hide my grief from her, I want her to know that it's ok to be sad, that Violet dying is absolutely something to be sad about. But, I also don't want to traumatize her. So, I try really hard to keep her life as normal as possible. She hates it when I cry. She really hated it today, but I couldn't get myself under control right away. She just wiped my eyes, said "Mommy, you miss Baby Vi?", patted my shoulder, told me to stop crying. It just isn't fair. None of this. Violet being dead. Lyvi having to wipe her mom's tears. Me not having both of my children here on Easter. None of this makes any sense at all. 

We did get Lyvi an Easter basket. She woke up bright and early and was so excited to see her stuff. We didn't do much today. Just hung out at home most of the day. My parents came over for a bit, Rich's parents came over for a bit. We took both sets of parents on a walk through of our new home. It isn't done yet, but there has been a lot of progress. We let Lyvi play outside and blow bubbles. Then we took Violet some flowers. 

Why do I have to take flowers to my daughter's grave? How did this happen? How is this my life? How was she here one minute, and the next she is gone? Forever? I don't get it. I think if I had to choose a stage of grief that I am in right now it would be bargaining. I know she is dead. I know she is never coming back. I know that. But, I constantly have thoughts of if I do this, that, or the other then she'll come back. I know she won't, but I am bargaining. I need her back. I would do anything. Anything. I realize there is nothing I can do, but the thought of never seeing her again is too much. It's just too much. So, I bargain. Because it's the only way I can move past this day. Into another new day without my Violetta Villalobos. I felt her around quite a bit today. There were a couple bumble bees around throughout the day. Pompeii came on right as we were talking about what flowers to get her. My sister stumbled upon a little nook of purple wildflowers and felt her there. None of that will ever be enough. I love getting little signs, but it will never be enough. 

My heart is so heavy tonight baby girl. Today was most decidedly not good. Not a good Easter. How is any of this real life? I have been in a fog for a couple weeks, kind of just pushing all these feelings down. They are trying so hard to burst through. I know I need to let them, but it just hurts so much. I'm so sorry you never got an Easter. You would have been so fun. I would have let you try a teeny bit of candy. I would have taken ridiculous pictures of you in Easter ears with your big sister. Instead, all I got to do was take you flowers. Seeing all the happy whole families is so hard. I am stuck in this place of hating them but also feeling so happy that none of them know what this feels like. I wish I didn't know what this feels like. I will never understand why this happened to you. To me. To us. It doesn't make sense and it fucking sucks. I love you my sweet fat silly Violetta. I miss you so much I can barely breath. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

1 comment:

  1. I feel so guilty sometimes reading about your pain while still having my healthy baby. I wish there was a way to take your grief for awhile. There is a meditative practice I learned from Buddhism where I breathe in your pain and breathe out peace and comfort. Wouldn't that be amazing if the whole world could practice that and actually share the pain and grief of all the grieving parents! I don't know if things like that work, but I do it anyways just hoping. In memory of Violet and what was supposed to be her first Easter, I dressed my baby in purple yesterday and she wore the cutest little bow that we bought when our gym did a memorial workout for your baby. We will never forget her or your family in our prayers and in our thoughts!