Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fools

Today is 2 months since Violet died. 2 full months without her. How has it already been 2 months? It feels like just yesterday that she was here, happy and healthy. But, it feels like a lifetime since she died. Time makes no sense anymore. I just want to get through my day, but I don't want to at the same time. Every day forward is a day farther away from her. How has it been 2 months since I kissed her? This is my life now. And, it fucking sucks. Not everything about my life sucks. I have Lyvi and Rich, my whole family, friends. I do love my life, but I hate my life. I hate this life that I have to live without Violet. It's like I'm walking around with one leg. Just limping along, trying not to fall down. My entire life is an April Fools joke. It's like the universe is playing one huge joke on me. Not the Violet dying part, the I thought I could live the perfect ideal life part. Here I was just going along, happy as can be. I had my husband, my 2 beautiful girls, I couldn't have been happier. I had everything I could have ever wanted. I was happy. SO happy. And, then the universe just decided it would be fun to screw with me. One big huge cruel fucking April Fools joke. Oh, you thought you could be happy? You thought you could live the ideal life, raise 2 beautiful girls, watch them grow into amazing women? Haha, yeah no. I'll just go ahead and kill one of them, that'll be funny. That'll teach you a lesson. I'll just snatch that new fresh one right back up, yep give me that sweet one right there. This is how I feel. My entire life is a joke. 

This is all I have tonight. Since the last post I just haven't had the energy to write much. I am just so sad, and I'm bottling it up. Holding it in. I know it isn't healthy, I know it makes the breakdowns harder. But, it's the only way I can get through the days. I just hate this so much. I will never get used to it. It will never get easier. I still cannot even fathom the rest of my life without her. I cannot. It feels like this must end at some point, she will come back at some point. She has to. 

Hi baby girl. I hate that I haven't had it in me to write to you for a couple days. I miss you so much, but you know that. Just because I don't write you here doesn't mean I don't think about you constantly. I know you know that. I hate this so much. Do you hate it? I think you do too. All you ever wanted was to be with me, and now you can never be with me again. I am sure you hate that, but I do hope that you aren't as mad and sad as me. I know there isn't a reason for all of this, I know it is all just a sick twisted joke, but I do hope you are ok. I don't want you to be mad and sad. I want you to be happy and feisty. I love you so much my Sweet Violet. Meg and Misty got you a star. I love that so much. We are all star stuff. I am so sorry baby girl. I love you, I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

1 comment:

  1. You don't know me - but I've been reading for awhile now. I want you to know I'm thinking of you today, and I do often. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If I could send you strength thru the mail, I would. Keep pushing, you are so strong.