I don't want to be this sad forever, I don't want to be this mad forever. I don't want to feel this despair constantly. I don't want to feel like this forever. How long can someone feel like this before they turn into a bitter old woman? Even though my body is young, my heart and soul are aging. I am 187 years old on the inside. How long can I feel like this before my heart and soul die and I am left with a shell of myself? I can't do that to my Lyvi-Loo. I don't want her to grow up with a bitter anger sad mom. Yes I will always forever have angry, sad, bitter moments, but I don't want to be a bitter angry sad woman. Make sense? I don't want the sadness and anger to change me for the worse. I want it to change me for the better. I want to be a better person because Violet lived. I want to be a better person because she made me me. I want to be a better person, because if on the off chance I do get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint Lyvi. I don't want to disappoint Rich or anyone else who loves me. I know I have a free pass to feel and act however I want. But, I don't want to take advantage of that and let it make me a sad empty person that no one wants to be around. This terrifies me, because at this point I feel like my anger and sadness and despair are what keep me connected to Violet. Which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense since she was none of those things. Not at all. She was the polar opposite of sadness and anger and despair. Well, she had quite the fiery temper, but she wasn't angry. She was UltraViolet. I want my happiness, laughter, memories, and yes sometimes my sadness to keep me connected to her. I will always be sad that she isn't here, and I think that is ok. But, I don't want the sadness to paralyze me. I want to be able to live the life that Violet never got to live. I want to be the mom that I know she deserved. I want to raise her sister, and maybe someday another of her siblings to be amazing people. I want to keep her memory alive. But, if I let the anger, sadness, and despair make me a bitter empty person then someday I won't be able to keep her memory alive. It will hurt too much. And, she would leave me. So, this is something that I want to work on. In time. Not now. Not anytime soon. But, this is where I would like to head someday. There will still be anger vulgar hateful posts in here. There will still be sad sad sad posts. It's only been 11 weeks tomorrow since she died, that is not NEARLY enough time for me to try to start healing. But, I have had a mini-breakthrough. I guess. If that's what you want to call it.
A kind woman, who is also a member of this dreadful club, reached out to me recently. I asked for some support through the MISS foundation. We have only emailed a couple times, but I have read a lot of her writing. She is peaceful. I want to be peaceful. Someday. She sent me this poem and it is so perfect for how I feel about my Violet.
"This world is no match for your Love.
Being away from you
is death aiming to take my soul away.
My heart, so precious,
I won't trade for a hundred thousand
souls.
Your one smile takes it for free"
-Rumi
Violet. Sometimes I just have to say your name out loud. I need to hear your name. You were real. You are mine. You will always be mine. I am teetering on the edge this week. I don't know why, but I am scared. I know when I fall this time it is going to be hard and fast. And, debilitating. I need it, I know I need to fall sometimes. But, this time feels different. I'm scared. I just miss you so much that it's too much to feel sometimes. I know you want me to work towards being less angry and sad and bitter. But, you have to give me time to get there. I need to take my time with this. I truly do not even have a time that I would like to have this accomplished by. I think one day, I will just wake up and feel a little bit lighter. But, at this point I am still so very very angry and filled with despair. And, just so sad. Unexplainably sad. I love you my sweet silly baby. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.
I am proud of you! I know you can do it! Just because you won't be a sad and angry woman you can still remember her. I don't think you will ever forget her. She is your daughter and always will be. And it's ok to have those sad and angry moments at times. You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteSo often do I read your words, Sweet Michelle, and I feel as if I have read one of my very own blog posts. It is so strange that we can feel the same things and fear the same things...things I never ever once imagined feeling or fearing before losing my child. And now another Mama expresses my own very exact thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe fear that people will think I am "getting over it" is still very present. In the beginning I was evn hesitant to post a pic of me smiling for I HATED the comments from people that said "it's so nice to see your smile is back!" I took it like they were saying "its so nice to see that you're back to normal again...that you're all better...that you're over the horrific death of your daughter..."!!!! Sometimes, a year and a half later, I still hold back from laughing out loud too hard in a public setting.
But you wrote some things here that touched down deep in me. I don't want to be a bitter old woman either. And I see myself going there. So much lately. I even struggle with keeping my blog current because it hurts too much. But it convicted me to read that you don't want to get to that place were keeping her memory alive hurts too much. I fear that is where I have let myself wander to. I must change this. I cannot let this grief damage the efforts to keep my Vienne alive.
Anyway. Thank u for sharing. It was good to read. It gave me things to think upon.
Love to you dear fellow grieving Mama. Xoxox
Oh Jenny. I am so sad that my words can touch deep down in you. I really truly vehemently hate it. I do not want you to be a bitter old woman. But, would never ever bear judgement on you if it happened. I understand and wish I could give you a big hug. Nothing could ever fix any of this, but a hug couldn't hurt, right? :) I'm glad I was able to give you things to think upon. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.
DeleteSo much love and light to you.
Yes I love this !!! Love love love this :) and your whole family
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty. And realness. I have no doubts you will be with Violet again and I don't know you personally. Does this make me crazy? Nope. Just a perceiver of great love. Violet accepts you on your angry and bitter days. But she won't leave you there. She is going to see you through for her big sister. You are reaching people Michelle by fighting the good fight. God and the universe bless you abundantly dear. And I continue to pray you feel Violet near all the time. Sweet momma. Sweet baby Violet.
ReplyDelete