I don't want to be this sad forever, I don't want to be this mad forever. I don't want to feel this despair constantly. I don't want to feel like this forever. How long can someone feel like this before they turn into a bitter old woman? Even though my body is young, my heart and soul are aging. I am 187 years old on the inside. How long can I feel like this before my heart and soul die and I am left with a shell of myself? I can't do that to my Lyvi-Loo. I don't want her to grow up with a bitter anger sad mom. Yes I will always forever have angry, sad, bitter moments, but I don't want to be a bitter angry sad woman. Make sense? I don't want the sadness and anger to change me for the worse. I want it to change me for the better. I want to be a better person because Violet lived. I want to be a better person because she made me me. I want to be a better person, because if on the off chance I do get to see her again, I want her to be proud of me. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint Lyvi. I don't want to disappoint Rich or anyone else who loves me. I know I have a free pass to feel and act however I want. But, I don't want to take advantage of that and let it make me a sad empty person that no one wants to be around. This terrifies me, because at this point I feel like my anger and sadness and despair are what keep me connected to Violet. Which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense since she was none of those things. Not at all. She was the polar opposite of sadness and anger and despair. Well, she had quite the fiery temper, but she wasn't angry. She was UltraViolet. I want my happiness, laughter, memories, and yes sometimes my sadness to keep me connected to her. I will always be sad that she isn't here, and I think that is ok. But, I don't want the sadness to paralyze me. I want to be able to live the life that Violet never got to live. I want to be the mom that I know she deserved. I want to raise her sister, and maybe someday another of her siblings to be amazing people. I want to keep her memory alive. But, if I let the anger, sadness, and despair make me a bitter empty person then someday I won't be able to keep her memory alive. It will hurt too much. And, she would leave me. So, this is something that I want to work on. In time. Not now. Not anytime soon. But, this is where I would like to head someday. There will still be anger vulgar hateful posts in here. There will still be sad sad sad posts. It's only been 11 weeks tomorrow since she died, that is not NEARLY enough time for me to try to start healing. But, I have had a mini-breakthrough. I guess. If that's what you want to call it.
A kind woman, who is also a member of this dreadful club, reached out to me recently. I asked for some support through the MISS foundation. We have only emailed a couple times, but I have read a lot of her writing. She is peaceful. I want to be peaceful. Someday. She sent me this poem and it is so perfect for how I feel about my Violet.
"This world is no match for your Love.
Being away from you
is death aiming to take my soul away.
My heart, so precious,
I won't trade for a hundred thousand
Your one smile takes it for free"
Violet. Sometimes I just have to say your name out loud. I need to hear your name. You were real. You are mine. You will always be mine. I am teetering on the edge this week. I don't know why, but I am scared. I know when I fall this time it is going to be hard and fast. And, debilitating. I need it, I know I need to fall sometimes. But, this time feels different. I'm scared. I just miss you so much that it's too much to feel sometimes. I know you want me to work towards being less angry and sad and bitter. But, you have to give me time to get there. I need to take my time with this. I truly do not even have a time that I would like to have this accomplished by. I think one day, I will just wake up and feel a little bit lighter. But, at this point I am still so very very angry and filled with despair. And, just so sad. Unexplainably sad. I love you my sweet silly baby. I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.