Sunday, April 6, 2014

This is my life?

I haven't written in awhile. I just haven't had the energy. I've been too sad. I'm always sad, but the past few days have been hard. Just hard. I have had some distractions to keep myself standing. Lots of time with my family. Lots of talking about Violet. Lots of loving on Lyvi. But, everything always has an undertone of sadness. It's just been a hard few days. I  worked on Thursday and was teetering on the edge all day. I was so anxious because Violet's grave had nothing on it for the first time because lawn maintenance started. We have to clean her grave off every Wednesday night, and can bring everything back after 5 on Thursdays. It made me so anxious that she had nothing on her grave, it's the only way I can take care of her anymore. Making sure her grave looks pretty. So that whenever anyone is at the graveyard they will know how loved my Violet is. She is so loved. I stopped by her grave on my way home Thursday evening. I think it was my first time there alone. It is still so hard to see my babies name etched in stone. I put a cute metal easter egg there, it was the only thing I had in my car. I cried. I talked to her. I told her how sorry I am. I cried. Then I had to pull myself together so I could go home and see my Lyvi-Loo. When I got home there was a package waiting for me. I looked at the name on it and knew immediately it was going to send me over the edge. It was from my Due Date Club moms. I opened it, it was a box full of cards from them all. So thoughtful and so sweet. I love those ladies. I had a good long cry sesh. I so needed it. 

I still just cannot believe that this is my life. I received a box full of heartfelt cards from some amazing women because my daughter died. I watched Violet die 2 months ago. My daughter is a statistic. A sad sad statistic. She got Influenza A and it killed her. We had to plan her funeral. We had to figure out where to bury her. We are a family of 4, but only 3 of us are here. I just don't understand. I hate that my daughter is a statistic. When the report of deaths from the flu in 2014 is made next year, she will be on it. She will be one more person on that list. Just another baby that died. But she isn't just another baby. She is MY baby. She is my Violet. She should be here. She shouldn't have died from the fucking flu. It is such bad luck that she got the flu. How does that even happen? This doesn't really happen to people. I hate everything about this. Everything. I hate thinking about the rest of my life without her. I hate watching my family grieve for her. I hate trying desperately to keep her memory alive in Lyvi's little brain. I hate thinking about her body forever being in that tiny casket 6 feet in the cold hard ground. I hate my tattoo for her, I hate all the tattoos I have planned because she died. I just hate this. I love her. I love all the memories I have of her. I love the 5 months 12 days I had with her, I wouldn't trade those days for anything. I love that I am her mama, I love that she is forever mine. I love so much, but I hate everything about my life now. I miss her. I miss my old life. I want to be naive. I want to think that nothing bad happens. I want Violet back. I want to watch her grow up. I want to see her turn into an amazing beautiful strong woman. I want her to hold my hand when I die, I want her to grieve my death. This is against nature. You aren't supposed to outlive your children. I hate that no matter what happens in my life from here I will never be fulfilled. I might be happy again someday, but not fully. Never again will I be a truly happy person, and I hate that. I will never again be the Michelle I was before January 31st 2014, that Michelle died with Violet. That Michelle is gone.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days sweet girl. You know you are in every thought I have. I just haven't had the energy to write my feelings down. I've just been too sad to sit and think. This house is so sad without you. It is heavy. It is so hard to be here still. You are missing. I can't wait to move, but I am terrified to leave the last place you were ever alive and well. I am terrified to pack up your things. I don't know what to expect when I have to finally do that. I don't know if it will be healing, or if it will break me. I don't know. I know we have to get out of here though. Lily won't even come downstairs anymore. She knows it's sad down here. She actually did come down with us tonight though. I was getting Lyvi in her jammies and holding back my tears as I stared at your crib full of your things. Lily came in, laid next to me, and put her head on my foot. She stayed there staring at your crib with me for a long time. You had just started to notice Lily, I have pictures and a video of you tugging on her ears just 11 days before you were gone. She's sad. She misses you. She sticks to me like glue when I am having harder than normal days. She sat curled up next to me for those first 2 weeks in The Chair. She's such a good dog. 

Sad eyes tonight.

I miss you baby girl. So much. I just need you back, and since I can't have that I just want to get through this life without you. I will try to enjoy it. I will try to see the good things I still have. I really will. I will try to be more positive someday. Not yet though, this is all way too fresh. I love you Violet. I miss you. I love you I love you I love you. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. 

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