She's gone, but I feel her still. I can feel her sweet energy with me. I don't know what happens after someone dies. I don't have any sort of faith. I struggle daily, and my beliefs change daily. But, last weekend I was shaken. I'm sure you've all noticed I have been closing my posts with "Wait for me, lets go to the stars," lately. I say it to her constantly in my head. Lyvi and I went to breakfast with my sister and her family one morning last weekend (or the weekend before... I truly have no idea when this happened, as time makes no sense to me anymore) Rich was out of town. On the way there the Mumford and Son's song "I will wait" was on the radio. I didn't think anything of it, I love that song and have heard it a million times. After breakfast I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (they have the cutest things to put on graves, in case you were wondering) and when I turned the car on "I will wait" was on again. Odd. But, it's a popular song. I mindlessly changed the station and "I will wait" was on that station too. That's when it hit me. That's when I felt her. It was like an epiphany. She's waiting for me. She's with me, and she's waiting for me. I cried so much. I heard that song at least 3 more times that day. And, I haven't heard it once since then.
How is she gone? She was so perfect. So healthy. Never ever sick. She. Was. Perfect. I really don't understand. I just don't understand. I want her back. I need her back. I need to hold her. I need to watch her grow up. She is supposed to be here fighting sleep, crawling, pulling up, eating solids, nursing, bugging her big sister, playing, causing ultraviolet havoc, cutting teeth, enjoying the beautiful weather, going on walks, playing at the park, "helping" me pack for our new house, having pictures taken in the orchard like Lyvi's at 9 months, swimming this summer, camping, learning to walk, turning one. She's supposed to be here growing up. She's supposed to be here. I will never get past this feeling. I will never be one of those people who comes to understand and accept their child's death. There is nothing wrong with those people, I wish I could be one of them. I'm just not one of them. I never will be. I will always know she is supposed to be here. I will always think of her and what she would be doing if she was still here. She is supposed to be here.
|I hate that Lyvi doesn't get to take baths with her sister anymore.|
|I miss her|
|I want to nurse her again so bad.|