Tuesday, April 8, 2014

She is supposed to be here. She is gone.

Violet is really gone. This hits me every single day. I wake up and realize I am still clutching her blanket. She still isn't here. She never will be again. Ever. She's the first thought I have when I wake up and the last one I have when I go to bed. I am never not thinking of her. I am always thinking about what she would be doing now if she was still here. Rich, Lyvi, an dI have been going on bike rides lately. We pull Lyv in a bike trailer, and all I think about is how much Violet would have hated it. She would have been just crazy in it. She would pull Lyvi's hair, scream, whine, try her hardest to get out of it. She would have hated it. We probably only would have taken her a couple times before deciding it wasn't worth it. We went to the park with Shay and her cute kiddos the other day and all I could think about was pushing Violet in the baby swing. I was so excited to push her in a swing. I think she would have loved it. She was a daredevil already. How disgusting is it that she never got to sit in a swing at the park. Disgusting. I desperately wanted to be sitting with her in the sand, as she tried to eat it. She was such a mouthy baby I know she would have gotten at least a couple handfuls in her mouth. But, she never got the chance to try. We got ice cream cones afterwards and all I wanted to do was put a teeny tiny taste on Vi's tongue and see her make a silly face. She never got to taste ice cream. Instead of riding in a bike trailer, swinging, and tasting ice cream she is dead. She is gone and I will never get her back. 

She's gone, but I feel her still. I can feel her sweet energy with me. I don't know what happens after someone dies. I don't have any sort of faith. I struggle daily, and my beliefs change daily. But, last weekend I was shaken. I'm sure you've all noticed I have been closing my posts with "Wait for me, lets go to the stars," lately. I say it to her constantly in my head. Lyvi and I went to breakfast with my sister and her family one morning last weekend (or the weekend before... I truly have no idea when this happened, as time makes no sense to me anymore)  Rich was out of town. On the way there the Mumford and Son's song "I will wait" was on the radio. I didn't think anything of it, I love that song and have heard it a million times. After breakfast I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (they have the cutest things to put on graves, in case you were wondering) and when I turned the car on "I will wait" was on again. Odd. But, it's a popular song. I mindlessly changed the station and "I will wait" was on that station too. That's when it hit me. That's when I felt her. It was like an epiphany. She's waiting for me. She's with me, and she's waiting for me. I cried so much. I heard that song at least 3 more times that day. And, I haven't heard it once since then.   

How is she gone? She was so perfect. So healthy. Never ever sick. She. Was. Perfect. I really don't understand. I just don't understand. I want her back. I need her back. I need to hold her. I need to watch her grow up. She is supposed to be here fighting sleep, crawling, pulling up, eating solids, nursing, bugging her big sister, playing, causing ultraviolet havoc, cutting teeth, enjoying the beautiful weather, going on walks, playing at the park, "helping" me pack for our new house, having pictures taken in the orchard like Lyvi's at 9 months, swimming this summer, camping, learning to walk, turning one. She's supposed to be here growing up. She's supposed to be here. I will never get past this feeling. I will never be one of those people who comes to understand and accept their child's death. There is nothing wrong with those people, I wish I could be one of them. I'm just not one of them. I never will be. I will always know she is supposed to be here. I will always think of her and what she would be doing if she was still here. She is supposed to be here. 

I hate that Lyvi doesn't get to take baths with her sister anymore.
I miss her
You are supposed to be here baby girl. I don't care what anyone says, I don't care that I always knew in my heart of hearts that I would lose you. It doesn't mean you aren't supposed to be here. You should be here growing up and causing trouble. I want nothing more than to see you grow up. A baby. A toddler. A kid. A tween. A teen. A young woman. A woman. That's all I want. Just you. I just want you. I need you. I need you back. I don't understand any of this. I am so sorry my silly baby. I miss you so much. I'm trying to stay present. I am trying to remember all the good things we still have. We still have your big sister. But, we don't have you. She doesn't have her baby sister anymore. No matter what we will never be complete. I am really trying not to let that consume me. I am trying. I am pushing. I just miss you. I love you sweet Violet. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. 

I want to nurse her again so bad.


  1. I wish more than anything you could have all those firsts with Violet. <3 My heart breaks for you. I think of Vi all the time, I look at the stars and see her above us, watching over you.

  2. We always have a ton of ugly weeds pop up this time of year at our house...this year the weeds are all violet colored for the first time in 5 years. I looked out my window and thought of your baby. She is still making herself known all over the world in little ways.

  3. I am reading your blog and "yesterday" by the Beatles is on.... I cannot imagine the pain you feel michelle. My thoughts are with you in this moment...and so many more moments since this tragedy.