Friday, April 11, 2014

Double digits

70 days. 10 weeks. Double digit weeks. How can that be? I am 70 days into this life without her and it is even more wretchedly awful than anyone can imagine. The pain isn't dulling at all. It gets more intense everyday. Everyday it becomes more real. Each new day I realize all over again that I can never get her back. That this really did happen. I really did have the sweetest baby ever. I really did take care of her and love her more deeply than words can explain for 5 months 12 days. She really did get Influenza A. And she really did die. She is never coming back. I had her, but I don't have her anymore. I try not to get caught up in the what if's, because I know that won't bring her back and it only makes me hurt worse. I wish I could have kept her in me for a little longer. Even just another week, that would have changed everything. Maybe it would have changed the course of events that landed us at Target and Gordman's that day. I know it wasn't her strength that killed her. She was STRONG. So very very strong. That disgusting virus would have killed me and I'm a healthy almost 26 year old woman. She was strong enough to fight it off if she would have gotten the fucking chance. It just went too fast and too hard. She didn't have a chance. I just wish I could change one tiny little thing, and maybe just maybe she wouldn't have gotten the flu. She would still be here. I wouldn't be writing about how she has been dead for 70 days. My daughter is dead. And, there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I am helpless. I am like a fish out of water flopping all around trying desperately to find my way back into the ocean so I can breath. But, in my case that will never happen. I will never be able to take a full breath again. How can I when a piece of my soul is missing, bleeding, jagged. Fridays are awful. It's like salt is being poured into my wound. Another week without her is done. One week closer to when I can be done here and join her. One week closer to being able to go to the stars with my Sweet Violet. 

Stick close to me today please baby girl. Today is hard. I miss you so much. My arms feel so empty. My soul is hollow. My heart is shattered all over the floor. I think you have been sticking close to Lyvi, she talks about you randomly. It's almost like she is talking to you sometimes. I'm sorry this happened to you sweetheart. I am so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you more than I could ever explain. Please stay close to me today and everyday. Wait for  me, let's go to the stars.

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