Saturday, March 29, 2014

Let me wake up

You're telling me I can never hold her again? I can never kiss her face? I can never tickle her neck? I can never bite her toes. NO! no. Absolutely not. No. This cannot be real. She will be here tomorrow. She didn't die. The fucking flu didn't kill her. I didn't do everything I could to keep her in me until 37 weeks, just to have her snatched away at the ripe age of 5 months and 12 days. I didn't watch her die. This is all a bad dream. I am stuck in a dream. I have some crazy secret that some high power agency wants so they went all inception on my ass and are holding me hostage in the worst dream anyone could think up. I give up! Take it. Take whatever the fuck it is in my brain that you need. I GIVE UP. Just let me wake up. Please. Let me wake up. Let me wake up. Please. 

This video was taken 3 days before she died. 3 days. This baby doesn't have the flu. She is fine. Perfect. Healthy. Trying to crawl and being feisty. I watch these videos and I want to die. How did I not know that 3 days later she would die? How could I be so naive? How did I not know I only had 3 more fucking days with her? How did I not hold her and kiss her and never ever ever ever put her down in those last 72 hours? I barely did, since she was always on my person normally. But how did I not know? How did I not know that she was going to die, truly and cruelly die, 72 fucking hours after this video? How? Why? Fuck this world. How am I supposed to raise my beautiful Lyvi-Loo in this fucked up world? How am I supposed to teach her to love and be happy and live and trust, when 72 hours after I recorded her amazing little sister in this video, she was dead. Gone. Just gone. How do I teach her to live, when I don't believe in a fucking thing anymore. I don't need help. I don't need saving. I need Violet. I need my Violet. My Violet that I worked so hard to get. My Violet that I tried so hard to keep healthy and growing. My Violet that I cherished and loved for every second that I had her. My Violet that I love more every second that I am alive. My Violet, my Sweet Violet. Why her? Why me? Why do I have to live in this purgatory? Why does everyone else get to keep their babies? Why do they get to kiss and hold and nurse their babies, while all I get to do is watch videos of mine and try to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart? Why didn't I die? Why couldn't I give my life for hers? Why couldn't I give her my heart and lungs and immune system? Why didn't I make her strong enough to fight the fucking flu? What did I do wrong? Why didn't I make her strong enough? Why wasn't my milk enough? Why wasn't my love enough? I just don't understand. Yes, these are ramblings of a broken person. Yes I said I want to write more about who she was, not just about her death. I will try to do that, but tonight I am broken. I broke. I listen to her sweet little voice and her crazy little growls and I break into a million more pieces. I didn't put headbands and bows on Vi that much, I had the sense to know what was important. Call it mother's intuition or convenience, but either way I just didn't. I see these people using their sweet innocent babies to further themselves and to make themselves look good and I want to puke. Do you not know you child could die tomorrow? Do you not realize that nothing is promised? Fuck the hair bows and uncomfortable clothes. Pick up your baby, Love that baby. Cuddle that baby. Smell that baby. Examine every detail because nothing is promised. Yes I put bows on Vi and Lyvi. yes I loved to doll them up and yes I still love to doll Lyvi up. But, after something like this you really realize what is important. I am so glad that I cared more about holding and kissing and cuddling Violet than I did about taking one million pictures of her in a huge fucking bow and ridiculous outfit and spending countless hours making sure she won some stupid contest. I would never forgive myself if I did that. But, she never would have gone for that. Ever. She knew what she wanted and she got it. I gave my all for that sweet baby girl and I would give my life for hers, but there is no rhyme or reason to this world. #fuckeverythingandeatpizza.

Oh my sweet girl. I am a fucking disaster tonight. A mess. Just a hot mess. I miss you. I love you. I need to go lay down and drown in my tears. And listen to your sister breath because she needs me. I love you. Wait for me, lets go to the stars. I hope you are warm. I love you. I'm sorry. Goodnight my fat baby. 


  1. You sweet sweet mama, I just want to hug you and hold your hand and cry with you. Please email me if you ever need a friend . Praying for strength for you. Xoxo

  2. I couldn't make it through half of this entry without crying. I had to stop grab my two year old and my two week old put them in my bed and lay with them hugging them and crying. If I was able too I would do anything to give you back Vi I don't feel bad for you I just feel your pain and I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away for you. Although I know I can't if ever you need someone to talk to email me as well I'm here . God bless you