Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Feeling detached

I've been feeling pretty disconnected lately. I'm in this weird spot of being really really sad, yet still functioning. I just avoid all the things that trigger me to really realize that this happened. So, I get up, feed Lyvi breakfast, eat my eggs and drink an obscenely huge cup of coffee, get us ready, and leave the house. I find any excuse to leave because being here makes my realize Violet is missing. Sure, she's missing from my car, from the shopping cart, from the stroller, from my person (meaning she isn't on me in the Moby wrap or Mei Tai) etc etc. But, her absence is most noticeable at home. Everywhere in this house is a memory of her. My bed is where she slept every night. My couch is where I spent countless hours nursing her. The toy room is where I would sit with her and play with Lyvi, or where Lyvi would jump around and make her laugh. The bathroom is where I would sit her in her rocker chair while I tried to get ready, and where I gave her baths. Lyvi's room is where I would get her changed into her jammies at night, or rock her in the glider, or lay her in the crib for a little nap while I tried to shower, or let her roll around on the ground, or let her play with Lily. The kitchen table is where her bouncy chair always was, she despised that damn chair. Everywhere I look is a place she once was. Even this damn computer chair. I sat her and Lyvi in it and took a picture of them in outfits for our first (and only) family pictures. And, I rocked her in this chair a lot in the last few weeks. She is missing from this house. So, I detach myself. I leave. I try not to be here alone at all. I just feel disconnected. It makes my life harder trying to be away from home as much as possible with my almost 3 year old. Toddlers do not function like well behaved human beings in public for long. It doesn't take long before she is sprawled on the floor like a rabid animal, foaming at the mouth and screaming like a banshee. It's a lot of fun. 



It's almost been 3 months. I am not any closer to feeling "ok" about any of this. 3 months is such a small amount of time. In case any of you are wondering, I am not ok. I am not "over this" or "through this." I still have a lot of trauma and grief and shock. I still need to talk about what happened. I still say morbid awful things. I still need you to check in, ask how I am, and honestly want to know. If I tell you I'm awful, I want you to understand. I don't want you to tell me this will get better. I don't want anyone to tell me it's time to start moving forward. I would still love to hear memories you have of Violet, or see pictures you have of her. I want to hear how sad you are, how much you miss her, how this has affected your life. Even if you didn't see her often, or even if you never met her. It means a lot, A LOT, to know her life affected others. Even if only her death brought her into your life. I desperately need to know that she made an impact and that even though she hasn't been alive for just about 3 months, people are still thinking of her. I need to know that I am not the only one still sad about her tragic, awful, untimely, useless, terrible, wretched, unthinkable, preventable, traumatic, abrupt, chaotic, pointless, heartbreaking, soul-crushing death. I just need to know that she's still here, even though she isn't here.

Hey baby love. I miss you. I am so ready to move into the new house, but I am still so scared. I don't know how I am going to react leaving the last place you ever lived. I know we need to get out of here, but I don't know if I am really truly ready. I don't think one can ever be ready to leave the last place their child was alive. I just have to bite the bullet and do it. This is a sad house. I think I will have a hard time being in the extra room at the new place because that should be your room. I think I'll avoid that room for awhile. I just miss you. I know I look ok and am functioning this week, but it's just a show. You know my mind is an ongoing catastrophe. I just miss you. I love you. Wait for me let's go to the stars.  


8 comments:

  1. Thinking of vi tonight! I want to see your new place. I would love to help you move. Kyles muscles will be of good use. I wish i was a better friend and met her :( she is gorgeous i got pulled over and the program for her service was in my glove box by my registration im glad i saw that gorgeous face.. Im so glad you have so many pictures

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  2. I think of you and your family daily. I know I wasn't that close to you but I loved seeing pictures of both your girls and you are such a great mommy. you'll get through this your own way and in your own time no one can or should tell you to do so. you will when you're ready.
    your daughter is so beautiful and this is so horrible and she should still be here.
    I hope that you know people think of her daily. I loved seeing her pictures or little videos you'd post. I don't go a day without thinking or praying for your family.
    Please know you're loved and so is violet and she always will be!!-

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  3. I have never met you or Violet, and it wasn't until after her death that you came into my life. I got to your blog from a comment on another blog - and I haven't left since. I check in daily to see how you are holding up and to see pictures of that beautiful little girl. I have a 5 month old son - there are many times a day I think of you and hug him extra tight. I think of you and Violet often, sometimes life is funny that way - how is it that someone I've never met has made such an impact on my life? I just thought you should know. Keep pushing!

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  4. I think of your family every day. I talk to my friends about Violet - a baby I never knew until she was gone - and we've cried over her. The power and love and life your beautiful daughter still exudes is tremendous. You and strong and amazing, and you are in my thoughts more than you know.

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  5. I read this blog all the time and my heart completely breaks for you and your family! Your family and sweet baby are always in my thoughts and hopes and your words are very courageous and raw and I love it! I know this is not a situation anyone should be in but the fact that you can express exactly how you feel and nothing less is truly amazing! Her memory will always live on through everyone's hearts and your words. The love you have for your children is beautiful and no one can ever take that away. There is no ideal word and people will make many mistakes.. but I hoped to let you know she has affected many lives and how admirable you are. I hope people are mindful with their words, actions and shower you all with love!

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  6. I have never met you or your sweet family, but the impact you've had on my daily life has been huge. I have a little boy just a few days older than Violet and I hug and kiss him so much more every day because of her. You are so strong and so beautiful with two incredible little girls. Violet has changed who I am as a person and as a mother...I am 100% certain of that. I have gift that I have been carrying around hoping one day I will run into you in town and I can just hug you or scream with you or cry with you, then give you this perfect thing that should have been hers. We go to the same places. Maybe one day it will happen. Until then, I'll hold onto it and just let is serve as a reminder of the kind of mom I want to be for my boys.

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  7. I have just come across your blog tonight and I am weeping reading through your posts. I wanted to tell you that already I love that little Violet, that marvelous little babe, and she will never be forgotten and my heart aches deeply for your anguish. Thank you for your brutal morbid honesty and for baring your soul, though it should never have been this way. I send you love and I will be thinking of you and your love and your two daughters every day, and share your story.

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