Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm not alone

The thought of living the rest of my life with Violet is so physically painful that I rarely go there. My body cannot take the thought of it. I have a very physical reaction. Heart racing. Sweating. Hyperventilating. Almost throwing up. Pounding headache. I cannot handle the thought of it. So, I try not to think that far ahead very often. But, sometimes my mind wanders there without being able to stop it. Usually when it's quiet. When I'm alone. When I'm driving. So, I try to prevent these moments. I watch stupid TV at night. I blast music or talk to Lyvi while I'm driving. I try not to be alone ever. But, sometimes it can't be prevented. I started a little job yesterday. It helped to get out and do something. On the way home my mind wandered. I started getting panicky, which isn't a good combination while driving. I tried to calm myself down. It wasn't working. My whole life. Every single second that I live will be without Violet. Forever. No more Violetta Villalobos. Ever. If I'm alive in 20 years she still won't be here. This is the cycle of panic. It is paralyzing. It incapacitates me. I can't think. I can't breath. How am I supposed to do this. Why would I even try? What's the fucking point of this life anymore? Lyvi. Rich. My family. My friends. Violet. Even though she isn't alive anymore I have to live for her. I have to. She didn't get to live so I have to. I have to. I don't have choice. If I die tomorrow at least I know I tried to keep living for Violet. Always for Violet. The cycle goes like this. I know I have to be here, but I don't know if I can do it. I truly do not know how to get through each day, let alone the rest of my life. These are the thoughts that crowded my mind on my drive home. I ended up at a long stop light so I pulled out my phone (bad I know, I put it away before I started driving again.) and checked my email. There were a couple emails from the MISS forums, an email from a new friend who is also in this horrible life, and I took a breath. I'm not alone. Even though in this moment it feels like I am the only person who has lost their soul mate, the only mother who is grieving the loss of their beloved daughter. I'm not alone. I'm not the only person expected to live the rest of their life with this searing pain. There are others out there, like me, going through this cycle in their heads over and over. Trying to figure out how to live. Trying to figure out what the purpose is anymore. I'm not alone. A few weeks back a friend from my mothering group wrote me. She isn't on our Facebook group so she wasn't aware of Violet's death for a few weeks. Needless to say she was shocked and distressed. She said something to me that resonated. I'll paste it here. 

There is only knowing that you are not alone, there is a vast sea of other women since the dawn of humanity and even alive on the earth today who have also had to find a way to keep going after the loss of a child.  Try to close your eyes and imagine their collective strength out there in the ether as an intangible source of power you can tap into to help prop you up....the strength of millions of women who have somehow coped with enduring any mother's worst nightmare, and the power of finding a way to not dissolve into the wind from the total incapacitating pain of it.

And, I'm a sobbing mess. I haven't read that in a few weeks. It brings me such comfort. To think of all the energy of all the women who, like me, lost their precious innocent child since the dawn of time surrounding me in their warmth. Holding me up. Breathing life back into me. Helping me to be open to feel my Violet. When I don't think I can go on anymore, I think of them. And, I take a breath. I ask them to help me keep pushing. Keep fucking pushing. I truly can feel all their warmth and energy with me. I can feel them telling me it's not ok. It will never be easy, or get better, they know this. Better than anyone else. All of their energy helping me navigate these treacherous waters. Maybe one day I can help hold another grieving mother up. That's the only good that could ever come from this. I want to be able to help someone else keep pushing. One day. Not yet, I can't even handle my own grief. But, one day I would like to be able to hold someone else up. One day, I'd like to be able to tell another grieving mother that she isn't alone.

Hi baby girl. I miss you so much. The thought of this life without you is so unappealing. Why would I want to live any amount of time without you? I don't. I would rather curl up and die. I know I can't. I know you wouldn't want me to do that. I know Lyvi and your daddy need me. I know. I just don't want to do it. I will. I will try my hardest. I will put on my good mom hat and be here for Lyvi. I will do what I have to do, and I will do it for you. Always for you my sweet darling Violetta. Keep pushing me. I can't do it without you. I love you my fat baby. I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars.

So, I'm going to start adding videos on here. My awesome brother helped me figure out how to use this damn computer and get them uploaded onto youtube since the blogger video upload is not great. Here are a couple videos of Vi and Rich. They used to have these grunting battles back and forth, we tried to get it on video and never really did. She does grunt a little bit in these videos, but not as much as they usually did when their grunt battles got going. 


  1. Keep pushing. You are incredibly strong.

  2. Michelle, I think about you and your family constantly. I don't know you and I didn't know you before this horrible shitty thing happened to you. But your pain is so real, I feel like I can touch it all the way across the country. I'll be driving in my car, or I'll be making dinner, and your words will randomly pop into my head. It makes me cry; my heart breaks. The strength you exude is inspiring. Keep pushing on. I'm thinking of you.

  3. I think about you and your family all the time I have to keep on your blogs I feel the need to. I can feel your pain and heart ache. My heart breaks for you and I cry for you I wish I could take your pain away stay strong. Your strength courage and pain is all so real. I am so sorry Michelle.

  4. Michelle you are an amazing strong woman. You are all in my prayers. Blessings and love.

  5. reading this broke my heart, yourself and your family have such courage. I cried for you xxxxxx

  6. Hi. I'm in the same horrible club. I'm so so so sorry you have had to join. My 18 mo old son Colum was killed (we were hit by a man on drugs 12/24/11) and died on Christmas day, we had to take him off life support. I live in Utah also and I'm not religious :). If you ever want to talk my email is packx4@yahoo.com, my blog is packoffixations.blogspot.com xoxoxo

    1. Hi Kelly. I am so sorry about your sweet Colum. That is so terrible. Makes me sick. Thank you for reaching out, I'm sure you know how important it is to have friends who are also members of this horrible awful shitty club.