Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Anger Fueled Mess of Words

I feel like I write the same things over and over. I miss her. I love her. I cannot believe this really happened. I will always expect her to come back to me one day. I will never fully believe that this happened. That this is my life. That my daughter died. I will never accept it, I will always be sad. For the rest of my life. I will be sad every single day that I am alive. I will always miss her. I will always talk about her. I am so afraid that people will forget her, that one day we will have a family party and no one will say her name. I don't care how sad it makes people to talk about her, we HAVE to talk about her. There is no other option. She isn't here, and that isn't ok. I owe it to her to keep her alive through my words. My memories. I will never let anyone forget about her. I will talk about her every single day. If I am still alive in 60 years I will still be talking about her. Lyvi might not have any real memories of Violet (I hope with everything I have that she will remember her) but I will make sure she knows her sister. I will never understand why Lyvi had to lose her sister. She misses Violet. She asks to see pictures of her every night, I never tell her no. How could I ever tell her no when she asks to see pictures of her dead sister. It just isn't fair. IT ISN'T FAIR. I am trying so hard not to let the anger consume me. I am constantly trying not to let the negativity take me over. All these people with their babies alive and well. Why was it my baby? Why did I lose my baby? Why didn't Violet get to live the full life that she deserved? Why did she get the stupid fucking flu? How did she get the stupid fucking flu? I wish I knew. I truly have no idea how she got it. We barely went anywhere. The only thing I can think is that someone who was sick went out, touched a shopping cart/door/can of beans, that I then touched, and then I touched Violet. I will never forgive myself for that. Ever. I know it's not something that I could have ever predicted, and even if I could I doubt I would have been able to prevent it. She showed no symptoms until the symptoms were so bad that she had no chance. She wasn't sick. Until she was sick. She didn't stand a chance against this terrible awful horrible dreadful virus. The flu murdered my baby. I am so angry. It's not like I can take my anger out on the flu, it doesn't work that way. I can't just go kill the flu right back. So, I will be angry at myself. And, at times, I will be angry at all the people who still have all their kids. I will be angry at the people who bitch and moan about stupid insignificant shit. They don't know what it is to lose a child, and they are SO LUCKY. I wish so much that all I had to worry about was money, silly family fights, my kid not sleeping through the night, my computer breaking, etc etc etc. Losing a child quickly and cruelly puts life into perspective. Things that I used to think were important are meaningless now. I know it is irrational to be angry at people for their insignificant complaints. They are lucky enough not to have had this swift reality check. I used to be one of those people. But now, all day every day I have to stop myself from commenting on the countless things I see on Facebook and Instagram. It takes all my energy not to constantly say "At least your kids are all alive," "At least you didn't watch your 5 1/2 month old baby die," "At least you didn't see the instant that your husband fundamentally changed because his daughter died and you had to tell him," "At least you don't have to explain to your 2 1/2 year old daughter that her sister, who was perfectly healthy the last time she saw her, died. That she will never see her again," "At least you didn't have to see your father sob and heave over you while you hold his dead granddaughter," "At least your brother didn't have to call your parents and tell them that his niece, their granddaughter, is dead," " At least you didn't have to see the innocence ripped away from your nephews because they are old enough to understand death, and their baby cousin died," "At least you didn't have to see the confusion and sadness on your niece's faces as they stand and look at their dead baby cousin." This can go on forever and ever. Fact of the matter, it is not fair. It isn't fair that my mom lost her granddaughter. She didn't deserve to watch her grand baby die right in front of her eyes. She doesn't deserve to see her baby, me, go through this. She is grieving for the loss of Violet, but she is also grieving for me. She lost me that day too. I sometimes forget that other people lost her too. It is so easy to get lost in my own grief and forget that other people are unimaginably sad too. I know my grief is deeper, harder, unending. But, that doesn't mean that all the other people who loved Violet aren't hurting too. My sisters are a wreck. It isn't fair that they lost their niece. I cannot imagine losing one of my nieces or nephews. Cannot even think about it. Both of Violet's Grandpa's adored her. They knew Violet was special, they loved her so much. It isn't fair that they lost Violet. My brother. I love him so much, and this isn't fair. He came up to the hospital, he hugged me, he stayed strong when everyone else crumbled. It's not fair that he had to stay strong. It's not fair that he lost Violet. I have a video of him and my dad playing with Violet less than 2 weeks before she died. It's one of my favorite videos I have of her. My grandma has had so much loss in her life. It's not fair that she had to hold her dead great granddaughter, especially after all that she has lost in her life. My sister in law lives in Texas, she never got to meet Violet. The first time she saw her was at the viewing. That isn't fair. Rich. My husband, the father of my children. How could this have possibly happened to him? Him and Violet had just started to get each other. They struggled at first, she was a fuss butt and only wanted me. But, finally in those last few weeks they clicked. They were finally connecting, and then she died. She died. Why did this happen to my family? What did we do to deserve this? We do not deserve this. Violet did not deserve this. This world makes no sense. Everything I thought I knew is false. My happy little bubble burst the second the doctor at the ER told me Vi had Influenza A. I am irrationally angry at a virus. It doesn't even make sense, but I am so angry. FUCK YOU INFLUENZA A. You killed my daughter. You stupid son of a bitch. You took the life of my husband's beautiful baby. You don't deserve to exist, you fucking prick. I will not sleep a restful night until you are irradiated, which I know will never happen. So I will never sleep a full night again. I will lay awake at night, planning a way to kill you back, the way you killed my innocent baby. I want to watch you suffer the way you made my sweet Violet suffer. You better watch your back asshole. The last person you want after you is a grieving mother. You messed with the wrong person dickwad.

Well, that escalated quickly. I'm not going to apologize for my language. My amazing daughter died, I'm allowed to swear as much as I want. I'm not usually this angry, but it got the best of me tonight. I think this will happen more and more often. I am planning to talk to a professional soon. I feel like I will need help to get through this. Well, I don't think I will ever really get through this, but I need help to learn how to live with this. I don't want to be angry all the time. I know I will be angry, at times, for the rest of my life. But, I don't want it to consume me. I don't want it to define the rest of my life. I want Violet to define my life. She has forever changed me. I am a better person because of her. She tested my patience and pushed me to my limits, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. She is the perfect daughter for me. I was always meant to have her. She was always mine. I still do not think there was a reason that this happened, but I know that she was always mine. I know in the depths of my soul that she was always part of me. And, she is still a part of me. I know I have said all of this before. But, I have to say it again. I will have to say it over and over again for the rest of my life. I hate so much that this happened to me and my family, but I hate even more that this happened to Vi. She should be here. If someone had to die, it should have been me. I have lived for 25 years. I have had fun, I have gotten in trouble. I have loved, I have been heart broken, I have broken hearts. I have found the love of my life, I became a mom, I have lived. She didn't get to live the life she deserved. She should have grown up. She should have been able to get in trouble, test her boundaries. She should have been able to decide what she believed and what she thought was bullshit. She should have been able to grow up. She should have been able to have a life, to decide if she wanted to be a mother. She was cheated in the worst way possible, and because of that I will never be truly happy again. There will always be a dark cloud around me, it may lift at times, but it will always come back down. It will always be hovering above my head. The only thing that would take it away was if someone knocked on my door and handed Violet to me, and told me that this was all an experiment, a cruel joke, that my daughter didn't really die. I know that will never happen, but I will always hope that it will. If you don't have hope, what do you have?

I'm sorry that I'm so angry tonight baby girl. But, I am so pissed. I am raging with anger and hatred. I miss you so much. I look at your pictures with your sister and I am in utter disbelief that you can really be gone. I need a sign from you. I need to know that you are still around me. A friend of mine in Washington posted a picture of a violet flower that randomly grew in her yard. Was that you? It feels like it was you. You are so loved. By so many people. Please keep sending signs to people. I would give anything to be with you. Just for a moment, just a minute. Because then you would need to come back here to live the life you deserved to have. You should be here. I'm so sorry Vi. I am so sorry. I will never forgive myself for not being able to save you. I miss you with every atom in my body. Please help me to not be so angry. I can't let it consume me. I have to be here for Lyvi. She dragged me out on the trampoline today, it was such a nice day. I was able to be with her and just enjoy the moment. I took a picture of her for the first time since you died. I haven't felt compelled to take any pictures since you left us, but I finally did at the beach. I took a picture of your name in the sand, and then today I took a picture of your big sister. Baby steps. One minute at a time. I love you so much sweetheart. I am lost without you. I will never be ok. I miss you more every second that I am here without you. I hope you are warm my Sweet Violetta Villalobos. That's all for tonight, I need to try to sleep at least a little bit so that I can take care of your sister tomorrow. Good night baby girl. I love you forever and ever. 


  1. What a wonderful thing to do, to write out your feelings, all the raw emotions.... hopefully you can connect with other bereaved parents who aren't able to express it verbally as well and it can help them to know they aren't alone in this dark swirl or horror.

  2. Anyone who makes you feel guilty for how you feel can shove it up their ass. It's not fair and you have every right to be angry.