Well, that escalated quickly. I'm not going to apologize for my language. My amazing daughter died, I'm allowed to swear as much as I want. I'm not usually this angry, but it got the best of me tonight. I think this will happen more and more often. I am planning to talk to a professional soon. I feel like I will need help to get through this. Well, I don't think I will ever really get through this, but I need help to learn how to live with this. I don't want to be angry all the time. I know I will be angry, at times, for the rest of my life. But, I don't want it to consume me. I don't want it to define the rest of my life. I want Violet to define my life. She has forever changed me. I am a better person because of her. She tested my patience and pushed me to my limits, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. She is the perfect daughter for me. I was always meant to have her. She was always mine. I still do not think there was a reason that this happened, but I know that she was always mine. I know in the depths of my soul that she was always part of me. And, she is still a part of me. I know I have said all of this before. But, I have to say it again. I will have to say it over and over again for the rest of my life. I hate so much that this happened to me and my family, but I hate even more that this happened to Vi. She should be here. If someone had to die, it should have been me. I have lived for 25 years. I have had fun, I have gotten in trouble. I have loved, I have been heart broken, I have broken hearts. I have found the love of my life, I became a mom, I have lived. She didn't get to live the life she deserved. She should have grown up. She should have been able to get in trouble, test her boundaries. She should have been able to decide what she believed and what she thought was bullshit. She should have been able to grow up. She should have been able to have a life, to decide if she wanted to be a mother. She was cheated in the worst way possible, and because of that I will never be truly happy again. There will always be a dark cloud around me, it may lift at times, but it will always come back down. It will always be hovering above my head. The only thing that would take it away was if someone knocked on my door and handed Violet to me, and told me that this was all an experiment, a cruel joke, that my daughter didn't really die. I know that will never happen, but I will always hope that it will. If you don't have hope, what do you have?
I'm sorry that I'm so angry tonight baby girl. But, I am so pissed. I am raging with anger and hatred. I miss you so much. I look at your pictures with your sister and I am in utter disbelief that you can really be gone. I need a sign from you. I need to know that you are still around me. A friend of mine in Washington posted a picture of a violet flower that randomly grew in her yard. Was that you? It feels like it was you. You are so loved. By so many people. Please keep sending signs to people. I would give anything to be with you. Just for a moment, just a minute. Because then you would need to come back here to live the life you deserved to have. You should be here. I'm so sorry Vi. I am so sorry. I will never forgive myself for not being able to save you. I miss you with every atom in my body. Please help me to not be so angry. I can't let it consume me. I have to be here for Lyvi. She dragged me out on the trampoline today, it was such a nice day. I was able to be with her and just enjoy the moment. I took a picture of her for the first time since you died. I haven't felt compelled to take any pictures since you left us, but I finally did at the beach. I took a picture of your name in the sand, and then today I took a picture of your big sister. Baby steps. One minute at a time. I love you so much sweetheart. I am lost without you. I will never be ok. I miss you more every second that I am here without you. I hope you are warm my Sweet Violetta Villalobos. That's all for tonight, I need to try to sleep at least a little bit so that I can take care of your sister tomorrow. Good night baby girl. I love you forever and ever.