Tuesday, March 18, 2014

March 19th is a bitch

She should be 7 months old tomorrow. 7 months old. She would have been so much fun as a 7 month old. She was SO much fun as a 5 month old, just imagine what 2 more months would have done for her. Her personality was already blossoming at just 5 months old. She was so fun. I remember just playing with her for as long as she wanted to. She was forever grabbing anything in her reach, and if she couldn't reach it she would scoot herself closer to it, roll to it, scream until I got it for her. She was so fiery. Feisty. Excitable. Full of life. She had so many toys already, but a few of her favorites were this little lamp her Aunt Lisa got her for Christmas, a little round rattle thing her Aunt Angie got her for christmas, a rattle with wooden rings on it, a plush square toys with lots of dangly things on it, Lyvi's hair, her daddy's face, my hands. Her binky, she was FOREVER taking that damn binky out of her mouth and chewing on it. She had started to put her feet in her mouth all the time.

All of those toys she only got to play with for a little over a month. 36 days to be exact. 36 days is all she got to play with all her new Christmas toys. 36 days. Disgusting. My parents got her this awesome toy that I was so excited for her to be able to play with. She didn't really ever get to play with it, it was more like a 12 month old toy, but I made her get it anyways because it is so amazing. She never got to play with it. She got a beautiful purple Minky Couture blanket for Christmas that she loved... that is now buried with her. Makes me physically ill. The majority of her toys are put away in a cupboard. The hospital told us that we had to wash everything that she had toughed, since Influenza A is extremely contagious. I can still see my mom and Aunt Carol sobbing as they stripped off the covers to her swing and rocker chair to wash, as they took lysol wipes to all her toys. Then they put them in a cupboard, and I haven't looked at them since. All those toys should be strewn across my front room. They should be everywhere, covered in Violet spit. Not in a basket stuffed in a cupboard never to be played with again. I just don't understand this. She was so strong. So ahead in everything. She had such a strong will and such determination. She was so strong, so how did she die? How could this perfectly healthy be taken out so easily? Fine one day and dead the next. She was swatting at toys by 2 months old and putting toys in her mouth by 3 months. She was so determined, if she wanted something it was going to be hers and she was going to get it to her mouth. She despised her little vibe chair with dangly butterfly toys. Despised it. All she wanted was to get those damn butterflies in her mouth. I wish I would have sat her up so she could chew those butterflies to her hearts content. All she ever wanted in life was to chew on those butterflies. I kept that vibe chair upstairs on the kitchen table. I would put her in it every morning while I got Lyvi and myself some breakfast. She would scream at the butterflies the whole time, and eventually she would actually get pissed off so I'd pick her up and love on her while trying to eat breakfast. Angie told me today she hates her kitchen table now, she has a hatred towards it because Violet should be sitting in her butterfly vibe chair on that table when she gets up in the morning. Grief makes you take your anger out irrationally. So, she can hate that table all she wants. I am so mad that I will never get to experience 7 month old Violet. I remember Lyvi at 7 months. So much fun. She started crawling at 7 months, she was so giggly, so happy, so content. Violet would have been all of those things plus a big helping of feistiness. She would have been crawling with ease by now, she'd absolutely be pulling herself up to standing, she'd be chasing Lyvi around, following me around whining and crying as I tried desperately to clean up, pulling all the toys off the lowest shelves, nursing in quick spurts because she'd be getting distracted by everything, especially her big sister, eating all sorts of solids, she had already started to get excited when Rich came home so at this point I imagine she would have been even more excited to see her daddy. How can she be gone????? How will I not have her here tomorrow snapping pics left and right so that I will always remember what 7 month old Violet looks like? I will never have a picture of her older than 5 months 12 days. I have boxes and boxes of clothes from Lyvi that I saved for Violet. So many cute outfits I couldn't wait to put her in this summer. Violet will never get to wear any of them. I miss her so much. I miss all the memories that we will never get to make with her. I miss everything about my old life. My life inside my happy little bubble. I miss my Violet.

It feels like I haven't written to you in so long my sweet baby. I know in reality it has only been a couple days, but a couple days without you is equivalent to a hundred years in my new life. I am ancient on the inside. It's like everyday I turn a little more into stone. A life without your entire soul is so long, even if I died tomorrow I will have lived a hundred hundred years in my soul. I'm so sorry you will never be 7 months old. I was so looking forward to 7 month old you. How did we get here? I went up and visited GG today, her and my Uncle Rick bought me a beautiful locket so you are always near my heart. Your aunts and I went to Tai Pan Trading, we were just killing time. There was so much Paris stuff there, one of them remarked about how we should have gone to Tai Pan to find Paris stuff for your grandma's birthday. We should have gone to Tai Pan that terrible day because then you wouldn't have gotten the flu. Instead we went to Target and Gordman's. If we would have gone to Tai Pan you would still be here. I know the what if's probably aren't healthy, but that's where I'm at now. I just miss you so much and I will never forgive myself. Even if one little thing would have changed, maybe you wouldn't have gotten the flu. If Lyvi would have thrown a fit before we left or if you would have needed a diaper change or if I would have forgot to grab my sunglasses and had to run back inside, it could have thrown things off just enough that maybe I would have picked a different cart. Maybe we wouldn't have crossed paths with the person who passed it to you. I would give anything to go back. Anything. I'm so sorry sweetie. I love you so much baby girl. I love you more everyday. I hope you are safe and warm Vi. 


  1. Violet should be in your arms. I'm so sorry. She was so special, so amazing. I'm thinking of her today even more than usual, and sending you all my love.

  2. Stay in there. :-) :-)