Wednesday, March 12, 2014

40 days can suck it.

 I miss you so much today sweet girl. I don't know what is different about today. But, it has been so hard. You've been gone for 40 days. I don't even know how that can be. How can that be possible? I think of all the things we would have done in the last 40 days and it makes me physically ill. I would have been chasing you everywhere, baby proofing everything. You would be eating solids and loving them. We would be going on walks because the weather has been so nice. I would sit on the tramp with you while Lyvi jumps. You would laugh your fat little butt off at Lyvi while she jumped, you always loved watching her jump. You would have discovered grass, you never got to touch grass. You would have gone swimming for the first time. You would be taking baths in the big tub with Lyvi all the time, you only got to do that a couple of times. We would be planning a fun summer full of camping, swimming, lagoon, parks, blowing bubbles, learning to walk, your first birthday. Instead of all that amazing simple stuff I am sitting her clutching your jammies choking on my tears because the only way I can talk to you anymore is in my head and in this blog. Instead of all that fun stuff, the last 40 days have been the worst 40 days in my life. I lost you. We had to tell your sister that you went away forever. I had to plan your funeral. Pick out your headstone. I had to find your a dress to be buried in. I have to live everyday without you. Leaving the house should be a huge ordeal like it used to be. You crying in your carseat and Lyvi running away from me. I should have to worry about when I would need to stop to nurse you, if you needed a clean diaper, where your damn binky is. I should be a frazzled mess by the time we get back home because you need to eat and your sister needs a leash. But, now I just have to get your sister out the door. Logistically it is easier to just take one kid, I used to leave Lyvi with your daddy because of this reason. Now I would give anything to have 2 kids to take with me everywhere. I would give anything to hear you screaming in the backseat, to have to tote you in your carseat into the house while holding onto Lyvi's hand, and then scoop you up and hug you tight. Kiss your sweet little face. Nurse you. Rock you to sleep, and hold you until you wake up. I will always wonder what I did wrong, what could I possibly have done to deserve this. Because, I know you did nothing to deserve this. You were so perfect. So amazing. You didn't deserve this. You should still be here growing up, getting into shit and driving me crazy. How can it be possible that I am holding your jammies and you aren't here to wear them? I just want you back. Whenever people ask what they can do for me I have to stop myself from saying "You could get Violet back for me, that'd be great." That would just be mean. The people asking what they can do for me miss you too, it wouldn't be fair for me to rub salt in their wound. I have to stop reading news stories. All these parents killing their kids. They have no idea how lucky they are. They still have their kids, and they want to kill them?! I don't get it. I wanted you, I want you, yet you are gone. I just don't understand. All these drug addict mom's get to keep their kids. They get to get pregnant over and over again and neglect their kids, yet they get to keep these kids. I am a good mom. I took great care of you. I did everything right. I went on bed rest to keep you cooking. You never had anything but my breast milk. You never got sick, you were so smart and so strong. But, you died. Just like that. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore my sweet girl. I don't know how I am supposed to go on living in a world that makes absolutely no sense to me. It doesn't matter if I am a good person, if I do all the right things. Bad things still happen. Bad things seem to happen to the people who don't deserve it most of the time. Why is that? Why punish the good people? I write all of this in here because I know I have to keep going on, I know I have to be here for your sister. And your dad. But, if I don't get it out of my head I won't be able to keep going. I didn't write last night, maybe that's why today was so hard. Or, maybe it's because I got the cedar chest to put your things in when I am ready. Which as of now will be never. How do I put your things away? Why would I? You are supposed to be here, if I put all your stuff away it's like you were never here. You were here. You made an impact. You changed my life. You changed me. You made me a better mom. A more patient, loving, caring mom. No matter what, even though you are gone, you made an impact. I will never let anyone forget you. Ever. You will always be my Sweet Violetta Villalobos. I will keep you alive with my memories and my sadness. 

It is so hard for me to do normal things anymore. Cooking? No way. I have made dinner one time since we lost you. Laundry is a joke. Your daddy has been picking up the slack on laundry and your Aunt Angie has been making dinner. I don't clean anymore. Cleaning without having to pick up all your toys and clothes and diapers is too hard. I did do laundry today. I knew I had to, Lyvi and I had no clean clothes. So I sucked it up. I even put all of your sister's clothes away. Somehow 2 of your burp cloths ended up in her laundry. I got to put those away in your jammie drawer. The drawer that I haven't been able to open since you died. All your clean jammies and socks folded waiting to be worn by you. I broke. I had a nice meltdown in there, holding your woombie and my favorite pair of your pants, the gray and white striped ones. Your woombie still smells like your spit up, which normally would be gross, but I don't ever want that smell to go away. Ever. It's proof that you were really here. Proof that I didn't just dream you up. No matter what it is I'm doing I always have guilt. "Why am I at lunch when my daughter died 40 days ago? You shouldn't be here, acting like everything is hunky dory." These sorts of thoughts constantly go through my head. Always. Whether I am at the grocery store, at lunch, putting laundry away, putting my make up on. Constantly. Nothing feels right without you here. Drinking my coffee in the morning is like taking a bullet. You always, always ruined my coffee in the morning. Your morning nap was always right when I got my coffee. You would scream and cry and all I wanted to do was drink my coffee. I would give anything to have you ruin my morning coffee again. Anything. Now it's just my tears that ruin it. I miss you so much honey buns. I am so sorry this happened to you. It makes me so mad that it happened to you. Before I lost you I never really thought about that aspect of a child dying. I mostly just thought how sad it was for the parents and the family. Now all I think about it how awful it is that this happened to you and to all the other kids and babies that die. It is so awful that you were robbed of the life you should have had. My sadness is nothing compared to how unfair it is to you that you died. It should not have happened to you. And, if I read one more comment about how the Lord called you home I might just punch someone. You should be here, end of story. Period. Not up for debate. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are warm, and I will always hope that this is all a cruel cruel joke and you will be given back to me soon. Always.
Vi in her woombie
My favorite of her pants

The jammies that threw me over the edge today
These ones too.


  1. I want you to have Violet with every fiber of my being. I know you didn't dream her up. She was here and she was perfect. <3

  2. Michelle I agree it's not fair that shitty moms get to keep kids, you're a dedicated mom and the girls are so lucky you're the mom they get forever! Eff the flu