Thursday, March 27, 2014

This baby

This. baby. Look at this baby.

Let me tell you a little bit about this baby. This baby is my missing piece. I loved her before I had her. The second I got a positive pregnancy test she had my heart. The second I saw her beautiful face my soul went "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you." The second she was placed in my arms I knew she was special. Her body was molded to my arms. She fit there perfectly. She didn't want to be anywhere else right from the start. All the nurses tried to make me lay her down so I could get some sleep, but there was no way. Neither of us were having any of that. One nice nurse even came in, got her wrapped up nice and tight and sleeping, laid her in the bassinet and left. Within 5 minutes my strong headed 5 hour old baby was crying. She wouldn't sleep anywhere but on my person. She took right to nursing and was such a champ. We didn't have any issues with breast feeding at all. She was a natural, and I am so lucky. Her little tummy was an asshole and caused her quite a bit of discomfort for a couple months. I am so glad I was able to nurse her, I can't imagine the havoc formula would have caused her poor little tummy. (Not that formula is bad, I just know Vi wouldn't have tolerated it.)
My girl pissed from a tummy ache and gas drops
So calm after the drops kicked in.
She had everyone's hearts the second they saw her. I had a C-section so I wasn't able to hold her right away, but Rich took her back in the hospital room with my family. He wouldn't let anyone hold her. She had him immediately. 

She had a way of grabbing onto your heart and not letting go. She would look at you with those big green eyes, and she had you. I remember one random night I had to go over to my sister Lisa's house. Violet was little, maybe a month old. I took her with me, I can count on one hand how many times I left her anywhere. Anyways, we were just talking. I was telling her about Vi's poor tummy and how grumpy she had been lately. And Lisa just said, "But she is so sweet. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just so sweet." It is so true. There was something about that little babe. She was just the sweetest damn thing that has ever been on this Earth. She radiated sweetness. Even when she was being UltraViolet, she was still just the sweetest thing. She could be screaming for hours, but then when she finally gave in and went to sleep I would just stare at her. I would watch her breath, I would smell her, kiss her, love on her. She was just so sweet. I try to think of what she would have been like as a toddler, a kid, a tween, a teenager, an adult and my shattered heart breaks some more. I know she would have been such an amazing person. She would have done great things. She would have been kind and generous and loving. Even at 5 months old she loved fiercely and completely. She wasn't afraid to let you know how she felt. If she wasn't happy you knew it. If she was pissed off, oh you knew it. That mixed with her sweetness would have taken her places. She would have done so much. She should have done so much. This world is a far far worse place without my Violetta.

She was absolutely delicious. Those cheeks. That belly. Those damn eyebrows. Her dark fuzzy hair. She smelled so good, so sweet. Those thighs. That butt. DAT ASS. We were justifiably worried for her teenage years with that rear end. We were in so much trouble with this one. She was just beautiful, with the personality to go with it. She had the best qualities of Rich and I packed into that tiny fat little body. Feisty and strong headed like her daddy. Stubborn and content like me. Sweet and amazing like Lyvi. Even with all the traits she got from us, she was still her very own little person. She was just amazing. UltraViolet. No one else can ever compare. I don't know how one person can be so lucky to have gotten this sweet Violet, and then so incredibly unlucky to have her ripped away in just 5 months 12 days. I had the best luck to have gotten her at all. But, I lost her. I don't get to ever have her again. Lady Luck obviously isn't on my side anymore, I must have done something to piss her off. You can take your luck and shove it straight up your ass, Lady Luck. Bitch.


In short, I miss her. Desperately. Madly. Irrevocably. She was the most amazing spirited little girl. I am so lucky to have gotten her at all, but so beyond unlucky to have lost her. I want to try to start writing more about the time we had with her. It's hard to do that when I am overwhelmed with the sadness and trauma of what happened to her. But, I need to remember her. She deserves to be remembered for the happy, fierce, feisty, stubborn, strong-headed, sweet, beautiful, amazing UltraViolet that she was. I miss her.

My Violet. I miss you. 8 weeks tomorrow. 8 weeks ago right now you were getting uncomfortable and breathing weird. 8. weeks. It has been 8 weeks without you. It feels like just yesterday, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm still really struggling with exactly what I believe. All I know is that I believe in you. Thank you for visiting Lyvi in her dreams last night. She woke me up at 4:30 this morning and asked to look at pictures of you. She has never done that. She only ever asks to look at pictures of you before bed. I asked her when we got up a few hours later if she dreamt about you. She told me yes. This is how our conversation went, "Did you dream about Baby Vi last night."
"Mmmm hmmm"
"Was she happy?"
"Is she ok?"
"What did Baby Vi tell you?"
She didn't say anything, she just patted her heart,
"She told you she's in your heart?"
Tears. This makes me cry so much. I don't know what I believe. But, Lyvi has never told me about a dream before. She has never woken up at dawn and asked to look at pictures of you. I think you visited her. Thank you so much for that. I wish you would visit me, but I think until I can sleep without sleeping pills that isn't going to happen. I love you my darling girl. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry you got dealt such a shitty hand. I miss you. Thank you for all the good that's been happening to us lately. I know none of it would happen without you. I love you. I hope you are warm. Wait for me, let's go to the stars. Goodnight my sweet girl. 


  1. She was such a beautiful little soul. And it is absolute bullshit that this happened. It's not fair, and I'm so so sorry. Lots of love <3

  2. What a beautiful gift that dream is! I think the little people in this world are so open minded and so believing that they know what the rest of us have a hard time believing. They just know.

  3. I can only imagine your pain..our children are our heart even before we know then..such a precious baby