Thursday, March 13, 2014

Keep pushing.

A dear friend sent me this text message tonight.
"Alyvia and Violet are so lucky to have you as a mother. Keep pushing. Keep fucking pushing. The mission is to keep baby Vi alive in everybody's hearts. We will never forget that."
It was just what I needed to hear tonight. The thought of living the rest of my live without Violet is unbearable. It is so painful that I very rarely go there. I think in the moment. Get through this moment. Make it through this minute and worry about the next one when it gets here. When I do let my mind wander to the future, it suffocates me. You're telling me that this is permanent? She isn't coming back? I don't ever get to hold her again? I don't get to watch her grow up? I can't breath. I can't possibly make it through this. There is no way I will be able to live my life without Violet. How is one supposed to live without their whole soul? My soul is broken. There is a huge gaping jagged hole where Violet should be. This cannot possibly be real. In no world would it be possible that a baby like Violet was murdered by a virus. There is no way that this actually happened. No possible way that my beautiful perfect baby died 20 hours after she got sick. It cannot be real that I watched her die right before my eyes. That I had to hold her cold dead body. That I had to bury my daughter who was going to grow up to do amazing things. There is no way that all I have left of her is a wisp of her hair and molds of her hands. How can it be that I have all her clothes and blankets, but no Violet to dress and wrap up. It does not make any sense that I am a mother of 2, but I only have one living. You mean to tell me, she doesn't get to grow up? Lyvi doesn't get to grow up with her little sister? Violet doesn't get to do anything? How can that be? It is utter nonsense. I outlived my child? That is fundamentally wrong. You are never supposed to outlive your children. This tattoo on my wrist is for my dead daughter? What? How? Why? Why Violet? Why doesn't Violet get to live, but all these other kids get to? What could she possibly have done to deserve to die after only 5 months 12 days? She was perfect. PERFECT. She was so healthy. How can there still be things like the fucking flu out there that can kill perfectly healthy babies in 20 hours? It is 2014, how is this still a thing? How did this happen?! I just don't understand how this could happen. I'm a good person. Rich is a good person. My family are all great people. Lyvi is so innocent and sweet. Violet. My Violet. How can she be gone? Truly? She is really truly gone? Forever? I never get to kiss her chubby cheeks again? I never get to see her unexplainably chubby legs again? You're telling me that the last time I kissed her, in her tiny little coffin, her skin cold as ice and stiff, was the last time I will ever kiss her? The last time I will ever see her? All these things I still have of hers will have to be packed away eventually? What? All the plans I had to make my girls' childhood perfect are blown to pieces. I have 2 girls. I had plans. I guess this is what I get for making plans. Don't make plans, because if you do your baby will die. The sweetest most amazing soul I have ever encountered in my life died. Just like that. Poof. Dead. Gone. Forever. I can't breathe. This is madness. I cannot live this life without her. I have to, for Lyvi. But, why am I still alive? Why do I still get to live and she doesn't? Because I got my flu shot. That's why. If no one in this house had their flu shot I can guarn-damn-tee you that we would not just mourning the death of Violet. It is evil. Pure evil. The things it did to my baby are not something I have ever imagined in my worst dreams. It would have killed my entire family. So, tell me flu shots don't work. I dare you. I fucking dare you to spout your holier than thou shit to me. Do it. If I had a magic wand I would beam your ignorant ass into that dreadful hospital room so you could stand in the corner and watch what the flu is. You would be first in line to get your flu shot. To get your kids their flu shots. The flu is not the stomach flu. It is not a cold. It is not a bad cold. It is not a bad bad bad cold. It something you cannot even imagine. You think the flu shot
This is the evil son of a bitch that
murdered my daughter.
makes you sick? You think it gives you the flu? You have no idea. No idea what the flu is. This is the flu. This blog. This grief. This agony. This life without my Violet. This is the flu. The flu is pure evil. It murdered my baby. It murders people. Every year. I do not have the energy to debate, so I haven't said much about flu shots. But, I can tell you with certainty that had the other 4 children and 4 adults that live in this house not gotten their flu shot Violet would not have been the only one that died. I can say that without a single doubt. I only wish Violet would have been born a little bit earlier. She could have gotten her flu shot. She would still be here. I have had a lot of people say to me that they thought the flu was the stomach flu. It makes me sick. My beautiful strong daughter did not die from a stomach bug. That would not have taken her out, no way. Influenza A is a disgusting virus. It hits hard and it hits fast. It hit Violet so hard and so fast that there was no way she could fight it. No way. She didn't even have any symptoms before it hit. Her body didn't even have a chance to fever. I recently read that after exposure symptoms show up within 1-4 days. I can pretty much guarantee that Violet got the flu early afternoon of January 30th, at either Target or Gordmans. By 1 AM she was struggling to breath. And by 9:17 PM on January 31st she was dead. Get your flu shots or stay the fuck away from me. 

This is why I can't think about the future. I live moment to moment. Keep pushing. Keep fucking pushing.

I miss you my sweet fat baby. I discovered tonight that I can take snap shots during videos of you on my phone. I can take new pictures of you! It's absolutely vile that this is the only way I can ever get new pictures of you again. But, yay for new pictures! It's the small things that keep me going. Keep me pushing baby girl. I need you to push me to keep living, because I honestly feel like if I stop pushing I will die from this pain. It would be a welcome relief from this pain, to get to see you or feel you or whatever it is after this life, but I have to stay here for your sister and your daddy. And the rest of our amazing family. So keep pushing me. I saw a lady bug today. It made me think of you. Was it you? I feel like it might have been, since I instantly thought of you and felt warm. This isn't fair. It isn't ok that you died. It isn't ok that you don't get to live this life. I am so sorry baby girl. I love you so much. I miss you. Miss isn't close to the right word. I read some cheesy post somewhere about how in French they say "you are missing from me." That seems closer. You are missing from me. I know you are in my heart, I know that. But, you are still missing from me. A piece of my soul is dead, it died with you. I am so sorry Violet. I love you. I hope you are happy and warm. Goodnight, my love bucket.


  1. My heart is shattered for you. Violet will never ever be forgotten. Love you lady.

  2. Michelle,
    I stumbled across your blog totally by accident. You commented on a picture on Instagram of an account I follow and I nosily clicked on your page and ended up here. It's been an hour since I started reading and I cannot stop crying. I feel like I can touch your pain. Is that weird? It's like your grief is tangible. I want to take it away from you. I don't have any kids yet, and the closest I have to it are the twin boys my best friend gave birth to in November, so I obviously don't know what you're going through. In fact, most people can't fathom what's happening to you right now. But regardless, the pain you're experiencing: you're not alone. I'm virtually a stranger to you. I'm 22 and I live in New Hampshire - basically on another planet from you. But my heart is completely breaking alongside you and your family. And for your beautiful baby. What a sick and twisted world we live in. I feel so angry for you.

    Your grief and honesty have changed me. I will never forget about how boldly and lovingly you speak about Violet. I will never forget how quickly this broke me down into tears - grieving for a family I don't know. I never knew her, but I miss her for you. I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. I'm not really sure how to end this... I just wanted you to know that across the country, a friend is thinking about you and your daughters, and Violet will never, EVER, be forgotten. (She truly is stunning, by the way.)

    - Chelsea

    1. Hi Chelsea-
      Thank you for your kind words. Thank you so much for thinking of my Violet. That's all I want, if I can't have her. I just want her to be remembered. Thank you again.

  3. Hi Michelle, I just want to tell you how much your love letters to Violet have touched my heart. I ache for you and your family. It doesn't make sense and there is no good reason for it. Parents should not have to bury their children. Mama's should not have aching arms where their babies should be. I know you mentioned that you had reached out to Dr. Jo Cacciatore with the MISS Foundation. I found a phone number for them, and they should be able to put you in contact with someone local who is experienced in grief counseling. The number is 1-888-455-MISS. I apologize if you already have this information.
    My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you all the love.