Thursday, March 6, 2014

My life is not normal.

My life isn't normal. My life will never be normal again. I would give anything to have my normal boring life back. To be able to say all I did all day was nurse my baby and chase around my toddler. I wish I could still complain about being stir crazy because my baby was fussy all day and we couldn't leave the house. I wish I still had the energy to care about stupid petty drama. I used to live for that stuff. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Somedays I can talk about normal things, and somedays I can't. Today was one of those days. I have been pretty angry the last few days. Which I think is allowed. I am allowed to be pissed off. I am allowed to be short tempered and get pissed off at people for caring about stupid shit that doesn't matter. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I shouldn't have to feel bad about getting mad. People should understand that my brain is at capacity. I can't even handle my own stuff, so I obviously do not have room for anything else. Especially stupid drama that doesn't matter. My baby died 5 weeks ago tomorrow. That is 35 days that I have had to live without my daughter. 35 days is not nearly enough time for a grieving mother to be able to handle other people's meaningless shit. I should not have to feel bad about that. I should not have to explain myself. Some people get it, and for those people thank you. You know who you are. I know my grief is scary. It can be overwhelming to try to figure out what to and what not to say to me. I know that. But, oh well. I'm not going to act like I am ok, and that my life is normal. It's not. It never will be. Living in a world without your daughter is not ok. It is not normal to have to bury your child. Especially when that child was perfect and healthy and only lived for 5 months 12 days of the lifetime you should have had with her. Violet completed me. She was my soul mate. She was the best part of me. Not to take away from my Lyvi-loo, she is all of these things too. But, my Violet. Ask anyone who saw her and I together. She got me. She knew the depths of my soul, she knew me better than I know myself. I could see it in her big green eyes. She was an old soul, she knew things. She was so happy, so determined, so headstrong. She knew what she wanted and she always got it. She could look at me with those big green eyes and see me. Really see me. I miss her more every single day and the thought of living without her is too much for me to comprehend. Acting like she was never here and never happened is not ok. That will not help me. I need to talk about her. I need people to understand that I will never be ok. I need people to understand that I didn't just lose my daughter, which is terrible, but I lost my soul mate. I lost the one person I had been searching for, for my whole life. When I got pregnant with her I knew she was different. I knew she was going to complete me in a way that I could only dream of. When I had her, it's like my puzzle was complete. I found this quote on a blog I read, and it is exactly how I felt when I had her. 

I had been searching for something my whole life. I found the love of my life, I had my first amazing beautiful daughter, but I knew someone was missing. I knew. I could feel her telling me that she was waiting for me. I was looking for her, and I finally found her. And, then I lost her. To act like she wasn't here and that she didn't die a terrible death that she in no way deserved does not help me. Words won't help me. Nothing will ever really truly help me, but acting like everything is normal makes it worse. My biggest fear is that people will forget her because she was here for such a short amount of time. I do not ever want anyone to forget my Violet. A piece of me died with Violet. I will never be the same person that I was. Believe me, I would do anything to be that person again. Violet shouldn't have died. I should not have had to bury my daughter. I should not have to teach my 2 1/2 year old daughter graveyard etiquette because we are there so often visiting Vi's grave. I sure as hell shouldn't have to feel bad because people just don't get it. If my grief scares you, then that's your problem. Take 5 minutes and try to imagine living your life without one of your children. Is that too hard to think about? Well try living it. If you don't know what to say to me, just say something. Not something normal, because I am not normal. Say something about Violet. Talk about how unfair all of this is. Tell me a memory you have of her. Send me a picture of her. Talk. about. her. That is all I want. Yes, it will make me sad, but not anymore sad than I already am. I am sad all the time. I will always be sad. Don't be afraid to bring her up. I want to talk about her. I need to talk about her. Sometimes I need to talk about the night she died. A lot of the time I want to scream about how unfair this is. If you don't want to talk about those things with me, then don't talk to me. This is my life now. My life is bullshit and some people can't take that. I get it. Grief is scary and overwhelming. I know that before I lost a child I didn't really get it either. Granted, I have never had anyone close to me lose a child in this way so I don't know how I would have reacted prior to this. But, I know now. I know I would never tell them that it was their child's time, or that God needed another angel, or that she/he is in a better place. I would never have said that before, that much I know, but now I know I would always talk about their child with them. I know I would go over and just sit by them. Sometimes that is all you can do. Just sit and be sad. Because this is really really sad. I do not need to feel bad about anything else in my life. My Violet died. I have to live the rest of my life without her. If that is 1 more day or 100 more years, it doesn't matter. Any amount of time without her is pure torture. I am in agony 100% of the time. If you don't want to have that in your life that's fine. I understand that it's a lot to take, but never make me feel bad about that. I will talk about Violet for the rest of my life. I will always be sad. And, this will never be ok. If you want to talk to me and are willing to navigate this endless sea of sorrow with me that's great. And, at some point I will talk about other things too. Somedays I already can talk about normal stuff. Other days I cannot. On the days I can't I need people who can understand that and are not afraid of that. Those are the people I need in my life. My child died. I am not ok. I am not well. My life is not normal. End of story.

I have to live in world without her. That will never be ok. 

I miss you so much. Your dad, Lyvi and I went to lunch and to go look for a cedar chest for some of your things. How is it possible that this is real? That instead of you being with us, we are without you and trying to find a beautiful cedar chest to put your things in. I just don't get it baby girl. This was never supposed to be the outcome. You and I were supposed to be together. I was supposed to keep you safe. I was supposed to raise you and help you become the great woman I know you would have been. You are supposed to be here. I was not supposed to out live you. I want you back. It isn't fair. We are taking Lyvi to Disney on Ice tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to do anything without you. I know I have to, I know Lyvi deserves to have as normal of a life as possible after something like this happens. We should be taking you with us. Or, your daddy should be taking Lyvi while you and I stay home. Either way it's not ok. I hope I can enjoy watching your sister's reaction. I know I will be sad and my thoughts will be on you. I just want you back. I don't want to do anything without you. Nothing feels right, nothing. You should be here being your ultraviolet self, making things difficult because you just want to be on my person. Screaming like a crazy person because you are tired but don't want to go to sleep. Trying to bite my face and steal my food. This was never supposed to be the outcome. I still can't sleep without sleeping pills, and I hate it because it is a black sleep. No dreams. I'm scared that I will have dreams and they will be scary and awful, but I want to be able to risk that so that I can dream about you. I want you to visit me in my dreams. But, if that isn't possible since I have to take stupid pills, will you visit someone else so that they can tell me about it? So that maybe they can feel like you are ok? I worry so much about you, I just want you here so that I know you are ok. You should be here nursing and sleeping in my nook. Instead I will go cuddle up next to your sister while I have your blanket in my nook. I hate this. I love you so much my fat little baby. I am so sorry. I miss you so much. Goodnight baby girl. I hope where ever you are that it is warm and you are ok. I love you. 

Those eyes. 


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  2. Landed here because I typed "why can't my life be normal". I assume you to be in your thirties, and here I am a sixteen year old. But I could feel your every word you wrote, not exactly the way you felt it while writing. That emotion, that sadness, that brokenness is never ending. It remains there, it has become us. I lost my mother three years back, opposite of what you experienced. But this is the first relatable thing I ever came across. You are so right, nothing seems to get normal ever again, it never will. Life moves upside down and you become a completely different, strange person you never imagined to be. Even if you act normal and fine to the outside world, what you are feeling never changes and nobody can truly understand this, nobody. We become a mess inside, and sometimes everything seems meaningless. You could be so motivated in the morning and at night, all of it feels unworthy of a try. And this is just the way it is now. It's never going to change. This is what you've become you will continue to be. It's so devastating.