Sunday, March 23, 2014

For just a moment...

I woke up to her voice today. Her happy screams were coming from the front room. For a moment she was back. For a moment I forgot. For a moment all was right in the world. Then I remembered she died. But then, for a moment, I thought Rich went and got her back. Somehow pulled the right strings to get her back. Just for a moment. The next moment, reality hit me square in the gut. She isn't here. She never will be here again. Rich was just watching videos of her. Or, I was hearing things. But, for a moment she was here. I went back to sleep. How do you get out of bed when you woke up and believed that your baby was back where she is supposed to be? You don't. You close your eyes and let sleep take you away for a few more moments. That was the first time that's happened in awhile. In the first weeks I would wake up, panic while trying to feel for her next to me, then remember she died. That had stopped finally. I wake up sad with no motivation to get up, until Lyvi makes me. It's been awhile since I actually forgot that she really is gone. Lyvi is starting to get it, and it's breaking my already shattered heart. I think she just hit some developmental milestone. Her speech has skyrocketed the last week, and she's saying more about Violet. The other night we were watching videos of Violet when all of a sudden Lyvi got very very sad. She was kind of whining, but not her normal whining. She had tears in her eyes and said "I miss Baby Vi." That took a hammer to the shattered pieces of my heart. How do you live with your broken heart and your child's broken heart? I always thought she would be too young to have this really affect her in the long run. Now I'm not so sure. She misses Violet. A lot. We were watching videos again tonight (we do every night) and she got excited and said "Look! Baby Vi come back!!" I don't know why or what she really meant, so I just told her "No honey, baby Vi can't come back." She got sad and confused and said a few more times that she wants baby Vi to come back. #ouch. I think the only thing that might help Lyvi's broken heart is another sibling. Not that a new sibling would replace Violet in Lyvi's eyes. That's not the point at all. But, she needs to be able to grow up with a sibling. She should be growing up with Violet, and she's not. So, as a mother I feel like I need to give her another sibling. Someday. Not sure when. This has been heavy on my heart lately. I'm not ready to delve into details, but it's on mine and Rich's minds. 

I didn't try hard enough to take pictures of Lyvi and Vi together. I don't have nearly enough of them together, and I will never forgive myself for this. Ever. It was hard to get them both together, and not have one of them crying. I should have just taken pictures of them together regardless of moods. I do have quite a few of them together, but not as many as I should. I hate myself for this. Hate hate hate. Just add that to the endless list of guilt. I'm feeling sad and at a loss of words tonight. So I'll leave it here, with a bunch of pics. 

The day Vi was born, my last belly pic

This is the last picture I have of them together, it was a week before Violet died. I have some videos of them after this, but no more pictures of them together.

I can't leave here without talking to you baby girl. Where are you? I hate days that start out like today. When I forget you are gone. I hope your days aren't like that. You know I struggle with what I believe, but I do feel you. I believe in you. I know you are still around. At what level, I don't know. But, I do feel your strong feisty energy. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to get more pictures of you and Lyvi together. You were such a grumpy butt sometimes and Lyvi is a busy body 2 year old. I should have tried harder, that's not an excuse. I will never forgive myself for that. I have more then what I put here, but still. It will never be enough. I wish I could focus on all the happy memories I have of you. I am stuck in that hospital room still. Stuck watching you die. Stuck in the helicopter. Stuck sitting in that rocking chair holding your cold stiff dead body. I can't get those images out. It's a camera reel over and over and over and over. I don't want to remember you like that. I want to remember you as the beautiful vibrant strong healthy full-of-life baby you were. Even when you were dying you were so strong. If I would have known the outcome would be your death regardless of how hard you were fighting, I would have told you to go sooner so you didn't have to suffer like that. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I love you more everyday. Forever and ever. Let's go to the stars together. Wait for me. I love you, I hope you are warm. Goodnight my sweet fat fat baby. 


  1. The "surprise bath" picture has always been my favorite and I'm so glad you keep sharing these pictures because it helps me remember your lovely Violet. Sending you much love from New Mexico, Kim D.

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