You should still be here my love. Don't listen to all these assholes saying it was your time and you were too perfect and you're in a better place. I know this pisses you off too. You had so much of me in you, so I know this shit makes you crazy too. That's why you played Pompeii for me in the car. I could feel you so strongly. I don't know if you were telling me to chill out, or that you were pissed too, or just letting me know you are here. But, whatever you were feeling it was strong. It seems to come in waves still, this grief. I bottle it up for a few days, then the sadness and despair hit, then I have a long hard ugly cry session, then I get so angry that I can't even see straight. Repeat. I know I can't go to the sad dark place every day, I wouldn't make it back. I would get lost. I would lose the tiny bit of myself that I still have. I feel guilty for not going there everyday. I want to be sad, I want to be in the dark place all the time. But, I know logically I can't do that. I have to be here, as much as I can be, for Lyvi. So, for now, this cycle seems to be getting me through the days. I know it hasn't fully hit me, the finality of this. That you really are not coming back. Ever. I haven't fully realized that yet. It has to come in small bits. I would literally die if it hit all at once. That doesn't mean I don't think about you constantly, because I do. 100% of my brain is on you 99.9999999% of the time. That other tiny portion is for Lyvi and driving and such. You know, the things I have to do. If I had my way I would go to the dark place and never leave, until I died. That's the only thing that feels right. Well, right isn't the correct word. Appropriate, maybe? Nothing feels right. But, if I have to be here without you all I want to do is curl up and wait to die. I can't do that. It's not an option. I still wish everyday that I would have died with you. If you had to die, I should have died with you. Or, I should have been given the fucking choice to die instead of you. It seems like that should be an option. You and Lyv would still have your daddy, and your grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles. You would have been just fine without me. I am not just fine without you. No one is just fine without you. We never will be. Everything we do will always have a dark cloud around it. Nothing will ever be perfect again. And, I don't want it to be. I don't want to live a perfect life anymore. I want to live a life full of sadness, anger, confusion, healing, coping, and love. Mostly love I hope. Love is all there is in the end. Love and sadness. I miss you baby girl. So much it hurts everywhere all the time. Especially my heart. And my soul. I still try to trade my broken shattered soul for your life. I try every night. I will continue to try every night. I love you sweetie pie honey buns. Visit me soon. In my dreams. Happy dreams please. No more zombie dreams with a touch of Violet. Just us, in a field of wild Violets. Playing, laughing, nursing, napping. Please visit me soon. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are warm.
Friday, March 21, 2014
I am so pissed off today
I felt you so strong today baby girl. The strongest that I have ever felt you. I so needed that. I have been pissed off today. Just mad. At everything. At everyone. Except you, never you. I was struggling to rein it in and control myself, and then you were there with me. In the car. Pompeii started and I could feel you. I cried, but not hard. Just silent tears, because I knew you were there with me. Your daddy said something similar happened to him today too. We so need you to keep doing that. To stay with us, and let us know you're still around. I did let my anger get the best of me today, but I think sometimes I need to let that happen. It's not healthy to bottle it up. Yes, I may have taken it out the wrong way, but it made me feel something other than complete and total despair. I just miss you so much, and sometimes I need to let that anger out. Maybe next time I will just punch a pillow, scream, run, kick box, drive up into the mountains and just be quiet for awhile. Something. I have to let it out sometimes or it will eat me alive. I am so fucking pissed off that this happened to you, that I have to live the rest of my life without you. It isn't fair and it never should have happened. Someone said you were too perfect for this world. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! Yes, you were absolutely perfect. Complete and utter perfection, but that doesn't mean you should have died! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am still in complete shock that people think that would comfort a grieving mother. To tell them "because your child was too perfect, she died." What in the fuck kind of paint did you eat as a child to think saying that is ok? That's saying that Lyvi isn't as perfect as Violet, and that's why she's still alive? That's bullshit. Bullllll fucking shit. Lyvi is just as perfect as Violet was, and I am thankful every single second that she is still alive and well. Violet's death has nothing to do with how perfect she was. Nothing. I just cannot wrap my mind around this. Even if I was a religious person I don't see how that would be comforting. To be told that since God gave you this perfect child, he's going to kill her. Because she's too perfect. I'm not good enough to keep Violet? I didn't love her enough to be trusted with her perfect soul? It is such an ugly offensive thing to say to a person. Not only are you being completely disrespectful and minimizing the loss of Violet by saying that, but you are also saying I'm not a good enough mother to be able to keep Violet. You can kindly fuck off.