Saturday, March 8, 2014

Sadness with a heaping scoop of anger

Today was a hard day. I was grumpy and mad. Just so very mad that this happened. I was short tempered with Rich and Lyvi. I hate that. Rich gets it. I just have to tell him I'm mad and I miss her and he gets it. That's saying a lot for him. He has never had the patience for my grumpy moods before now. Really though, he just doesn't understand hormones and how they affect moods. He pretty much hated me through my whole pregnancy with Vi, which is fine because I hated him too. Haha, pregnancy is a beautiful thing. But, since we lost Vi he gets it. He lets me be mad, and sad, and grumpy. He just smiles at me and squeezes my hand.  He's mad and sad too. He is the only other person who truly gets what I am going through, because he's going through it too. I love that guy. And, he doesn't deserve to go through this. 

Back to the hard day. I woke up and was just so tired. I couldn't pry myself out of bed. That's how most of my mornings are, but today was bad. It takes everything just to get out of bed anymore. Luckily Rich was off today so he got up with Lyvi and let me sleep some more. Grief is exhausting. You wouldn't think it would make your body so damn tired. But, it does. It affects every single piece of you. I'm achey all the time. Tired all the time. Anxious all the time. I tend to have harder days when I have been up and about for a few days in a row. We took Lyvi to Disney on ice yesterday. It was so hard to be there. All these happy families with all their kids in their perfect little bubble. Everyone had 2 kids I swear. I have 2 kids, but I only get to take one of them to Disney on ice. We got Lyv some cute crazy overpriced things, and I got Violet a little wand for her grave. How the hell is that possible? How is it possible that I am buying my dead daughter things at Disney on ice instead of taking her with us and having to stand out in the hall because she's being her crazy ultraviolet self? The family sitting in front of us had 3 little girls, one was about Lyvi's age. She had dark hair like Vi, and the same little button nose. She looked like what Vi would have looked like if she would have gotten the chance to grow up. This is the third time I have looked at a child and saw my Violet. I know this will keep happening. I fought back an anxiety attack the entire time, and looking at that little girl helped me. I've had a hard time feeling her with me lately, but I think these little things are her. This little girl was antagonizing her sisters just like my Vi had started to do with Lyvi. She reminded me so much of Vi. I kept my shit together for the whole performance. I couldn't write last night, I was too mentally exhausted to even attempt to put words together. Honestly, I am still too mentally exhausted to be writing but I needed to try so that maybe I could sleep a little bit tonight. I've been so mad today. I haven't been able to feel her with me today. I notice on the days that I am angry I can't feel her as much. Which is ok, I know I need to be mad sometimes and I don't want her to be mad. 3 separate times today other people have felt her and told me. Angie and Lisa were both driving and right as they thought of Violet Pompeii came on. At different times and in their own cars. Then just now, as I am sitting her struggling with my anger my beautiful friend Shay texted me out of nowhere and told me that she KNOWS Vi is close by. That she can feel her and she feels such love. The farther I get on this lonely sad road the more I am understanding my beliefs. I think that when my anger boils over she can't show me that she's with me, so she goes to other people. People who love her and love me. People who she knows aren't afraid to talk to me and tell me when they feel her. I'm such a mess. Sadness with a big heaping scoop of anger. I just want her back. I want her back to myself. So I can be stingy and not let anyone else hold her and secretly be so happy that she only wanted me. She was never supposed to be apart from me. So I have to believe that she's still with me, not in the way she should be though. Never in that way again. So unfair.

Violetttta Viiiillalobos!!!!! I miss you. I hope you still smile when I say your name like that. I'm really angry today. Well, the last few days. I hope you aren't mad. I hope you are at peace, even though this never should have happened. Even if there is some sort of higher purpose and reason for this (which there is not) it would never be a good enough reason. There could never be a good enough reason that you were taken away, that you got cheated out of the life you deserved. That's why I am angry. I'm not mad for my loss, I am mad that you got so cheated. I will always be angry about that. And, I will always be unimaginably sad that I have to live my life without you. I miss you so much sweetie pie. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I will never understand this or accept it. So, when I am too angry for you to show me that you're with me pleasepleaseplease go to someone else who loves you. Show them you're still here, make them text me randomly or call me or anything. Just anything that will make them think of you. It's daylight savings time tonight. I should be dreading it because it always throws babies schedules off. Instead I am here without you pissed off that it isn't going to throw your schedule off. Screw this shit. I miss you baby girl. I love you. Thank you for being with me even when I'm not open for you, and for being with your aunts. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are warm. Goodnight my baby girl. 


  1. Michelle i can feel ur anger,greef,and frustration and I think U are such amazing Mom to b able to put ur feelings into words your sweet baby Violet well always b with U and little Livy,and Rich will b so thankful to U as time goes on that u have had a mothers great courage and love to talk of Violet everyday u might not feel it today but u are truly a amazing person I hope in even a small way u will feel sweet Violet today

  2. I hope you feel her sweet energy today

  3. I think of her every time I hear that song! I'm so sorry you guys are having to go through this, if you ever want to talk I'm here to listen ♥